A Whiter Shade Of Pale
by Jelly Bean Jenna
Summary: When a woman is silent she is either over-thinking, tired of waiting, falling apart, crying inside or all of the above. So when Andy comes home, why is she so quiet? And why is Sam so heartbroken when he discovers that she's lost what he loves the most about her? Will it stay gone or will Sam be able to get it back? Will Andy let him? Nominated for 2 Rookie choice Awards 2013
1. Chapter 1- Time Away

**Summery; When a woman is silent she is either over-thinking, tired of waiting, falling apart, crying inside or all of the above. So when Andy comes home, why is she so quiet? And why is Sam so heartbroken when he discovers that she's lost what he loves the most about her? Will it stay gone or will Sam be able to get it back? Will Andy let him? Could a heart that was already dead, break?**

**Disclaimer: Anything you recognize is not mine, anything you don't, well that's all mine, including any mistakes! **

**Thanks to Kelly2727 & all my awesome regulars! Welcome if you're a newbie!**

**Hope you enjoy!**

**Chapter 1- Time Away**

**The days had come and gone, turning from anticipating minutes, to wondering hours, to longing days, before they subsided into wanton months. **

**Swirling the whiskey around in the glass, the amber liquid rippling against the side of the glass he stared blankly into its deep ocean. **

**Tonight was like numerous others that had slated by over the last six months, he would sit at the bar of the Penny, watching the door, and waiting. **

**Waiting for her to suddenly come storming through the door and announcing she was back, waiting for her to take the empty stool next to him and ask if she could still have that drink, the one he promised her would be a good place to start the night she left. **

**The night she left. **

**The night she turned his world upside down, crushed his final hope of ever rectifying the biggest mistake he had ever made. **

**The thought caused a shudder to run through him as his heart sagged a little more than it already was when he noticed the time, it was a little after 1am. **

**Swallowing the last glistening sips of the whiskey, he threw some notes down on the bar top before making his way out of the Penny, once again having spent his few free hours waiting in vain. **

**But she was worth the wait, and if there was free time tomorrow, he would be back and he would willingly do it all over again. Just like he had been on and off for the last six months. **

**The first few weeks he had been full of anger, and avoided any human contact, especially the type that would be drinking. **

**The consequences of that could be disastrous. **

**He spent his time at work in solitude, riding alone, doing paperwork alone, his anger seething under the surface enough to force everyone to steer clear of him. **

**Those that were brave enough to venture close were few and far between, all fearing his wrath. They were the closest to him, but even they knew their limits when it came to pushing his boundries. **

**That was how life progressed until two hours after a shift, when one overly drunk Oliver nearly drove through his front door before managing to park his car over the lawn when he pulled up outside. Having nearly ripped the door of its hinges in a bid to free it of its locks, to open it and let all the pent up anger flow out onto whoever dared to drive up his front pavement, until his eyes met the sight they were seemingly destined to see. **

**Oliver opened his drivers side door, fumbled with his seat belt and fell out the car in his attempt to climb out. Watching that, seeing Oliver do that, was just so wrong on so many different levels. When he had finally helped Oliver up to his feet and inside, away from the prying eyes of the neighborhood, he would hear the story of how things between Oliver and Zoe were coming to an end, she filed for a divorce and he was served the papers minutes before leaving the bullpen. **

**Hearing those words, after having seen twenty years of marriage shared between two people, the anger faded. It just seeped away to be replaced by regret. Guilt. And a lot of longing. Not only for his brother, but for himself. And her. **

**Once Oliver passed out on the couch, he grabbed his keys and drove like a raving lunatic over to the Shaw house, all sensible thoughts escaping him. **

**He spent three hours trying to understand how such a smart woman can be so naively stupid. She screamed and he yelled. She let tiny crocodile tears dribble down her cheeks, he pinched his nose just above the bridge while letting out huffed sighs on ragged breaths. She talked and he listened. Then he talked and she cried. By the time those three hours had sagged away through time, Zoe knew she was making a mistake by letting Oliver go, a man like that only comes along once in a lifetime. The only reason she understood was because the person begging and pleading for her to give Oliver another chance, knew what he was talking about when he said that this divorce would destroy Oliver, it would break him beyond repair. **

**He knew because that was where he was, how he felt. Every word he uttered in his friends defense was born out of truth for his own reasoning as to why he was in current circumstances, wrapped up in his own misery. **

**His eyes flashed with truth, while his heart broke at muttering words to save a marriage he truly thought would stand the test of time, last for all eternity. **

**Things would get better, Zoe allowed reason to settle in around her, she was willing to hear Oliver out, once he slept it off. That was all he needed to hear, all he needed to know, before issuing a sincere goodnight, and making a hasty retreat back to his own territory. **

**Territory where he would spend countless sleepless nights, wondering if she was okay, if she was warm, or had dinner, had hot water for a shower. Desperate to know if she was still such a bad liar, in situations that could cost her, her life. **

**That night had changed his mindset, turning him back to more of the old person he used to be. It gave him a sliver of hope that if there was a tomorrow, there would be a chance to fight for what he wanted, a chance to fight to get her back. He just needed her to come home in order to do that. **

**That's how the free time on his hands evolved to spending a little time everyday waiting for her. He had moved on after that night, his life settling back into the less rigid routine it once had. Although it had been empty for longer than six months, it had been empty since he made his mistake. **

**Before she left. **

**The time spent waiting was equaled by his time spent working out any frustration in the gym, or pounding pavements, running all the dreaded thoughts from his mind. It was also spent studying for and eventually passing his detectives exam. **

**Now all he needed was her to come back. And give him the chance he had asked for, a chance to make good on his words of making her dinner and getting a dog. A chance to do everything. **

**A chance to take back his words, well some of them, with a chance to prove some of his other words. **

**Oliver and Zoe had spent some time working on things, although Oliver was still renting an apartment downtown. But they were getting there, they even had date night once a week, and a family day once a week when he was off shift, with the kids. **

**Arriving home as the memories faded, he didn't have to wonder if tonight would be another sleepless wrestling session with his pillows and blankets, he just knew it would be. It had been ever since she no longer slept there, ever since her lingering scent obliterated from his house purely from her absence.**

**Walking into the darkened room, a small smile tugged at his lips as he kicked off his shoes, tomorrow was another day, and as long as there was tomorrow, there was a chance. **

**Six months she had waited for this day to arrive. Six months she had patiently let herself and her heartbreak hide behind a fake name, with a fake story, now in a few hours her fake life would come crashing down as reality would force it aside like the garbage they had been working. **

**That's what these people were, uncivilized, dirty, disgusting garbage. **

**Looking over to the other people in the room with her, she caught sight of the only connection she had to the real her. He smiled knowingly. He too had been hiding. Hiding what he could no longer run from, no longer deny. And today, like her, he too would be facing what he had been hiding from... if it was still there. **

**The thought caused a rattle to take over her hand as the soft trembling caused her hands to mess some of the white powder across the table. **

**"Ashley, are you stupid!". The voice droned in her ear, yelling a remark that made her defiantly turn to face its source. She wanted nothing more than to wipe that stupid look off of his face, with a brick. **

**The way he treated his 'staff' was ridiculous, he was cruel and belittling, and always up in her face. Had she been in her uniform right now, her baton would have been a useful accessory. **

**She whispered a soft 'I'm sorry, take it of my pay' before turning back to weighing the finely ground white powder, and funneling it into the tiny plastic bags. **

**The only thought present in her mind, 'just a few more hours'. **

**She had spent six months of her life sucking it up, taking the torture of being far away from home, away from civilization and dignified people, no point in wasting that time now by letting him get to her. She exhaled a deep breath, as the thought of home cascaded through the anger.**

**She had made more than one tiny little mistake before leaving, but her biggest mistake was not leaving, it was not asking him to wait.**

**Going home was all she had wanted to do since she left, but now that the time was rushing towards that moment, that impending freedom, she couldn't help but drift off into thoughts of what she would find when she was given her life back, her real life.**

**She knew this would be hard, she was warned numerous times how quickly things could go sideways with this specific kind of UC, every possible precaution drilled into her mind for over a week before they were let loose, but having been through it now, she knew it changed her. She knew she had become a little tougher on the inside, a little more jagged, and who knew, maybe she lost a part of herself along the way, but these things happen, it was natural.**

**She instinctively knew that she would never do this again, could never do this again, it was not something she was made for. How people could do it over and over again was beyond her, how they could punish themselves to willingly put themselves through seeing the things she had seen, and worse, repeatedly, was something she could not fathom, could not wrap her mind around. **

**It explained a lot, when she rallied the thoughts around one person she knew that was testament to repeatedly having done this to himself, and now she had a new found understanding of why he was so distant, so shut down, so…himself.**

**It would have been crazy to have done this and not let it change you, not let it become part of who you are.**

**Over the last six months, he had consumed her nightmares, images of the last day she had seen him taking a turn for the worse and she would wake up screaming after her mind changed the scenery to him holding a live grenade and looking her way before he was engulfed in flames of red, orange and blue.**

**He occupied her daydreams, and her thoughts, and even her dreams the few times she had peacefully succumbed to slumber without waking up from a torrent of sickening images that left her trembling and visibly shaken.**

**She often wondered how he would react to seeing her once this was over, or if he would be part of the team to make the bust. If she ran when they came through the door, would he chase her? Would he be the one to present her with her own set of shiny new silver bangles, before arresting her and stuffing her into the back of a squad car before taking her down to the barn and locking her in a cell for the sake of keeping up appearances.**

**Would he even look her way, or muster a smirk while she was led away handcuffed by another familiar face?**

**The last thought to run through her mind before doors burst open and loud voices carried through the spacious warehouse was, would he even be here?**

**Time stood still in that instant, all movements ceasing, all voices silent, until a booming "Run" sounded from somewhere distant.**

**What ensued thereafter could only be described as chaos.**

**The violence that erupted was only outweighed by the shrilled screams that ripped through the air, followed by the loud gunshots that echoed through the silence.**

**Sharp footsteps raided the concrete as a wave of blue uniforms swept into the room, guns drawn and flashlights flickering their radiant beams across any surface they met.**

**Bodies scattered in all directions at the order to run, wreaking havoc on any strategic plan that may have been in place by the TPD to collect the occupants in a closed off area.**

**The first shot rang out just a little to her left, causing sudden panic to surge through her as she realized that it was one of the scumbags that was firing shots towards her friends clad in blue.**

**In the back of her mind, the thought that things could get messy always lingered, hanging by a thin thread that was only matched by the knowledge that if there was a familiar face on the bust team, they were professional and they were trained for this, and most importantly, they had eachother as back up.**

**Ducking down behind her wooden work table to avoid being riddled with bullet holes, she inhaled a shaky breath as she reran the flashes of faces that were in her line of vision for milliseconds since they came barging through the door, her mind subconsciously searching for her single vice, the one thing that she was counting on if things went sideways, was having him here, watching her back, but no where in the kaleidoscope of images was his face, so there would be no leaning on him, or trusting him to get her out of here alive.**

**More shots rang through the air, just as a strong hand grabbed onto her and began dragging her up and forwards. Looking up into the hard face of Bobby, she noticed the dark color of the gun pointed at her face as her heart that was already stampeding gave a flutter before it felt like it stopped. **

**"Up". He yelled at her while she tried to find her footing on the smooth surface of the floor. **

**"Bobby, let her go", a familiar, sweet voice sounded out firm and strong.**

**"Babe she's our ticket outta here". Bobby whispered before turning too see his loving wife with her own gun pointed at his head, her sandy brown hair pulled up out of her face, her cold blue eyes glazed over with an icy stare. **

**"Sorry Sweet-Cheeks, but its over". Sally's voice was laced with sarcasm using the name he usually addressed her by. **

**The next few seconds moved in slow motion as realization dawned on Bobby, as he let out a snarl while his hand tightened around the woman he now had the intention of holding hostage and using as a human shield. **

**His finger on the trigger twitched before his eyes closed down to mere slits as his elbow lifted, bracing for the kick back the gun would deliver when he fired it. He had every intention of firing. **

**His hostage cast her eyes from Sally to Bobby before pinching them closed, waiting for the expected loud bang, which suddenly came, along with the feeling of wetness gliding down her face. **

**She had expected the ground to come rushing up to meet her, but instead she felt his tight grip loosen, before it slipped away, his body hitting the ground forcefully next to her. **

**The sudden brightness from opening her eyes, delayed them focusing on the smiling face in front of her, before a hand stretched out towards her holding a torn piece of material, that just happened to magically appear out of nowhwere. **

**"I got this one, its only splatter" the words carried out as the slight dimple of her left cheek sunk in. **

**"Clean up, you're under arrest, and no way are you getting into the back of my squad car looking like that". **

**Twenty minutes later, cuffed in the back of squad car 1531, they pulled up in the sallyport of fifteen division. Noelle had been casting worried glances at her throughout the drive over here, infact she had been casting her worrisome looks since she had arrested her. **

**She seemed different. **

**Booking was a buzz with activity, they couldn't even make it through the door, so without hesitation, Noelle pulled her gently by the arm to walk around the building, heading straight for the front door. It was customary to welcome back a successful UC by parading them through the bullpen still in their cuffs, it was a 'walk of fame' as they termed it, and it was never cheered, or applauded, it was done in silence, in a way in memory for those who never made it back. **

**Noelle's smile came out in full as she pulled open the door and led her suspect into the barn. **

**Today had been a long, exhausting day. It started at four am with a call-out to an assassination style homicide at the marina. He had requested that late night calls always come to him first, before going to Nash. **

**The only reason being that he knew she had a kid at home, and would have to find a sitter at really short notice all hours of the night. **

**He loved working with her, and it was nothing personal, he just thought that life would be easier for her and her kid while they adjusted their lives to now living with the empty void Jerry had left behind. She was really good for Jerry, and a good mother, and when she found the courage to go back on the detectives rotation, he tried his best to be there for her any way he could. **

**It took them six hours to process the scene before he made it in to the barn, only to find it mostly empty. No surprise there, considering everyone was out on patrol. **

**Filling out paperwork and ordering pizza for lunch, he noticed the sudden burst of extra faces in the bullpen as Frank waived around issuing orders and sending the blue bodies in the directions he wanted them to go in. **

**Before he could leave his office and find out the cause of commotion, the call came down the hallway that they were coming in hot, as several cruisers pulled into the sallyport, while extra uniforms walked past him, brandishing shotguns, ready to do heavy duty guard in the holding cells. **

**Looking towards the movement that caught his attention at the front door, he noticed a familiar face walk through the doors, his head hanging low as though to hide his identity. Holding onto his arm was a smirking Oliver, who looked towards him, before darting is eyes away to the floor. **

**He watched as Collins lifted his gaze to survey the room until their gazes met, a hard, cold glare being driven on by Collins. **

**He drew in a ragged breath as he understood what he was seeing, they were done, and they were back, she would be here soon, if she wasn't in the holding cells or an interview room already. **

**Tomorrow had arrived, and it was in time to be today. **

**He perched on the edge of his desk, watching and waiting for her presence to be more than a myth, as time strung by in slowness. **

**He hadn't even bothered with his pizza when it arrived, he just sat there watching for any sign of her. Sure enough his eyes eventually found her when Noelle opened the door and led her in. Standing up, he moved slowly to stand in front of the glass windows adorning his office, as he watched her being led in, right past his glass windows. **

**Noelle looked up, and shook her head, showing him that it would be better if he stayed away. **

**She had her head kept down, her eyes tracing the floor, while her dirty hair hung in a curtain covering her face from him. But she felt his heated gaze, and looked up towards him, visibly paling more than she was when her eyes met his. **

**Her face was void of any emotion, her eyes burnt out, a dead brown rather than the flickering orbs they had once been. Her skin was paler than he had ever seen, her brown tan now merely a memory, and her healthy glow was missing. She looked like crap, and he hoped that the marks up her arm and across her cheek were nothing more than dirt. **

**She watched him as she walked past, the smile she often flashed him in the past, now absent, and her usual rosy red hue when he flashed her the dimples like he did now, never graced her neck or face. It was just...stolen away. **

**He watched as she turned away before disappearing from sight as his heart shredded itself up until there was nothing left. **

**Andy Mcnally had lost her blush. **

**The one thing he had hoped to see when she returned, the one thing he missed the most about her, the only thing he was counting on happening when she came back, was not there. **

**A knock on the door pulled him from his dark thoughts before a soft breeze washed over him and a familiar smell snuck into the room, as a sweet voice filled the silence. "Sammy". **

**Turning to face the intruder, he felt literally sick to his stomach as he turned to face her before snarling out her name "Sally". **

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .͡▹**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	2. I Dream

**Wow, you guys certainly blew me away with the response to Chapter 1! **

**Thanks for all the awesome reviews, they really are my addiction!**

**Thanks to Kelly2727 & all my regulars, if you're a newbie, welcome to my world! **

**Chapter 2- I Dream**

**Eighteen hours, that's how long she sat in debriefing for.**

**They took her out of the holding cell, someone murmuring a "lets get this one processed next" before she was led out by Noelle and ushered towards the locker room to grab a shower and a clean set of clothes that vaguely resembled some of Traci's.**

**She stood under the hot spray of the water and scrubbed and rinsed the tainted skin that still had dried spots of blood clinging to it. It wasn't the first time she had been splattered with a gunshot victims blood, and it probably wouldn't be the last, but this time it was different, this time having the blood of an animal cling to her skin made her feel sick, sick and poisoned.**

**She was glad Noelle had given her such powerful smelling shower gel and shampoo, it smelled richly of lilac's rather than the strong scent of sweat and burning fumes of all the drugs in the warehouse that seemed to burn her throat when filling her lungs.**

**The memories of her time away caused a shudder to run through her, as the sickening feeling made her stomach clench in knots worse than pretzels. **

**Worse than an irish love knot. **

**Finally dressed she was escorted to interview room 5, away from prying eyes, to find Luke and Oliver waiting to take her statement.**

**They grilled her for a little over six hours, before letting her get some sleep on a couch in Luke's office, with the blinds closed and someone always sitting silently in the room with her. She was roused almost three hours later, the welcoming smell of food and hot coffee pulling her out from under the wrap of sleep.**

**Twenty minutes later, she was back in interview room 5, Luke joining her, but this time alone.**

**She was raided with the feeling of being watched, eyes boring holes into her from behind the two way mirror, and she knew he was there, watching, listening.**

**Andy would be right, Sam was there, lingering behind the barrier that prevented her from seeing him, although he suspected she was aware of his gaze.**

**He took in her cleaner appearance, but noted that the marks were bruises and not dirt, the sight causing a low growl to eminate through the tiny room filled only by his presence.**

**Andy looked like crap, even after the shower, sleep, and food he ordered and had taken to her.**

**Even coffee seemed to fail at lighting the missing spark in her. **

**She was incredibly pale, and had lost a ridiculous amount of weight, that she really couldn't afford to loose to begin with. She was jumpy and shaky, in a lot of ways resembling a withdrawn junkie. **

**Her hair was stringy, even though it had been washed, it was lacking its vibrant brown shine, its healthy bounce.**

**Life had not been good to her while she had been away.**

**The thought made him want to inflict a serious amount of pain on Callaghan for letting her do that to herself. **

**Sam let out a sigh as he ran his hand over his face, it had been a long day, but there was no way he was leaving here without seeing her, seeing that she was okay, and in one piece, even if he had been here for over eighteen hours, and awake for more than twenty-four. Just watching her for now was enough to let the curiosity subside just a fraction. **

**She was in one piece, but the words okay, and fine did not resemble the image of her before him now, she was everything but. **

**He left the speaker off, so her statement was uttered in silence, her lips moving but her voice contained to the ears of Callaghan and earlier Oliver. **

**Anything she said was not for him to hear now, if there was something she needed or wanted him to know, she would have to tell it straight to him. **

**Sam watched her glance occasionally at the mirror, she knew he was still there, but she made no attempt to find the smile she always wore. Instead her eyes were wondering and filled with more hurt than he thought he would ever see in them. **

**The door to the viewing room opened to reveal Sally once again lurking around fifteen, causing another growl to slip into the silence.**

"**Relax Sammy, I just came to check on her" the door clicked closed as she stepped into the room.**

"**You did good with this one, she strong, and she has so much heart" Sally said as she stepped up to the glass.**

"**mmm-mmm" came Sam's dead-panned response.**

**He never liked her, and that was not about to change, he just wished she'd get the memo.**

**"So you worked Dakota". It came out as a known fact rather than a question. **

**"Yeah, six years. I married Bobby to get in". Sally's tone was flat as she gave her answer. **

**Sam never expected that answer. She had become a valentine UC cop, and didn't sound like she regretted it. He very well knew that the lack of morals and dignity ran through her bloodlines, but that, that was just beyond ...well normal! **

**"I didn't know what to expect when I heard she was the one they were sending in, but after a while it wasn't hard to see why". **

**Sam's head snapped up at that remark. Sally said she'd been on Dakota for six years, so what exactly had she heard about Mcnally. **

**Andy felt him letting his gaze sweep over her the minute she set foot back in fifteen. **

**His presence had always managed to find a way of picking up on her 'Swarek Sensor'. **

**Taking a walk through the bullpen she couldn't help but seek him out, her eyes slightly shocked to find him clad in jeans and a black shirt rather than his uniform. **

**His eyes seemed to light up when she looked his way, as though they had been dulled by her lack of presence. **

**There were slight traces of his face softening as the feint hint of a smirk threatened to take over his lips, the small craters in his cheeks barely visible. **

**Andy sighed as she felt Noelle gently squeeze her arm, her warm hand trying to convey reassurance, as she was led past his window. **

**If she didn't know better, she would have thought that Sam was actually happy to see her, happy to see that she was back. Until the memories of her real life came rushing back, her mind no longer able to push them away as the reality surrounding her was now that of the real her, the real Andy Mcnally, ex girlfriend. **

**So then why the hell was he looking at her like he was lost in some kind of dazed amazement, like the sight of her was making him totally catatonic. **

**Andy felt the color drain from her, as she stared at him, knowingly already probably really pale. **

**He lost the right to give her longingly, whispered looks. **

**She had spent the last six months with him consuming her every waking moment, taking over her daydreams and nightmares, and now that the moment was here where she could actually see him, reach out and touch him because he was really there. **

**Six months of sleepless nights where she would try to sleep if she wasn't out working the case, six months of Nick gently shaking her arm or calling her name because she was either crying or screaming in her sleep. Fitful dreams of his dimpled grin engulfed in flames as the grenade went off in his hand because she let him pry it from her grip. **

**Sometimes it would morph into her walking away to be stopped by his hand engulfed in flames and resulting in her jacket sleeve catching alight, when that happened she was physically swatting her own arm in her sleep. **

**Nick was lost with how to handle the situation after the third week, so he sat her down one night after they spent their required hours 'working' to pack the stock for the day to be resold. **

**Nick took the bull by the horns that night and told her to get it out her system, tell him what was wrong and why she was falling apart or he would tell Luke or their handler to have her pulled. **

**So she told him. **

**Everything. **

**He already knew some of Sam and Andy's story anyway, after all, he was her break up buddy, she just filled in the finer details. The true feelings and secrets she tried to keep hidden, the ones she denied. **

**She told him how Sam had chosen the worst time to tell her he loved her, and how he tole her he wanted her back, hours before they left, she mumbled how sorry she was that she left, choosing being a cop over being with Sam when that was all she wanted. **

**She made his words of "All you wanted was to be a cop and all I wanted was you" come true. **

**Andy had sobbed when she said that she had become just like her mother, by taking off in the middle of the night. The one thing she had never forgiven anyone for was that, and yet she found it so easy to do the same thing, the one thing she promised herself she would never do, she became the 'one kind of girl' she never wanted to be. **

**The only thing Nick could say was that it would be okay, things would get better, and shushed her until her soft cries died off to deep breaths as she drifted off to sleep. **

**Andy seemed more focused after that night, but was still caught up in an emotional torrent on the inside, she just became better at hiding it. If she didn't then this UC would fail, and she would fail, and that would make her look weak. **

**That simply was not an option. **

**So she hid it, and really well, she smiled on cue, laughed when it was warrented and even mananged to be her old self, the old self Nick knew when they were home alone in their crappy one bedroom cover apartment. **

**That was how things stayed, until one thursday, when she failed. She failed to keep her head screwed on, she failed to do what she was supposed to do, she became that weak person she was so determined to stop herself from becoming. **

**That day set off a new vengeful force of nightmares, so she stopped sleeping, then as days drifted by, she was too tired to eat, so she simply gave up on that too, only eating enough to keep up her energy levels, or when under Nicks watchful gaze. **

**Andy was no longer trapped in her own misery of self inflicted heartache, it turned to self hatred at one point, before anger seeped through and turned it into a need to get the job done. **

**It was the unseen force that drove her. **

**The need to put these people where they belonged for the rest of their miserable lives was fueled by the innocent blood that tainted her hands, vines of death wrapped around her fingers, spread across the pale skin of her palm. **

**Nick and Andy had been promoted to dealing at a club one night when the regular guy got arrested, and by principal Andy felt sick to her stomach at the thought of having to sell actual drugs to people. But as Nick had whispered in her ear, they had to do it. **

**So they did, Nick packed the blow and Andy kept the cash, that was how this operation was run, never cash and drugs together, so there would be less chance that they could pin it on you if you were busted by the cops, Bobby had told them. The thought still sickened Andy though. **

**She was taken aback by how young some of the buyers were, some borderline sixteen or seventeen if she had to guess. **

**Kids buying drugs in clubs. **

**What was the world coming to?**

**Bobby picked up the cash and issued them some more shiny white powder a little after midnight, and just happened to find Andy alone as Nick had to use the bathroom. She silently handed over the cash, and he wordlessly dumped the plastic bags into her extended hand before she could protest. **

**As soon as Bobby walked away, a kid of about seventeen approached Andy and waived cash in her face, his thin fingers rattling with withdrawal. **

**Andy refused to hand any over and called his bluff, but his answer had been a desperate "Lady I saw you get hooked up", before he stepped closer. Out of choices to stop a scene from evolving Andy held out a bag which the kid snatched with hungry features gracing his face, before slamming the cash into her hand and walking away. **

**Three hours later, when they were done for the night, Nick pulled her under his arm as they left the club and walked home to their cover apartment. **

**Three blocks from their apartment, Nick saw a shoe sticking out of an alley, a foot firmly inside it. **

**Instructing Andy to keep a look out, Nick ventured into the alley and came back out shaking his head, a sad expression across his face. **

**"Kid looks like he OD'd". Was all he managed to mumble before Andy sucked in a stiff breath and stepped past him before he could stop her. **

**She had seen the sneakers earlier, when they had stepped up to her at the club. **

**She found the kid that bought the blow from her laying the alley, his eyes frozen in a vacant stare. She let out a muffled sob before taking off out the alley and breaking into a run until she reached the locked front door of their apartment. She didn't even stop after Nick called her by Andy instead of Ashley. **

**Nick found her slumped against the wall next to the front door, coz he had the only set of keys. Her knees were pulled up, her face buried in them, soft whimpers filling the hallway. **

**Once inside she told Nick that she was the one to sell him the last fix of his life, the last high he would ever get being passed from her hand to his. **

**She blamed herself, and that was only the first one. **

**That was what first dimmed her spark, letting her vibrant flame flicker and shorten. **

**She had killed a kid, no matter how Nick tried to phrase it, that she didn't force him to use the drugs, she didn't give him the money to buy it with, she didn't hold a gun to his head when he ingested the substance. It wasn't her fault, but to her only one thought lingered, one sentence remained, she killed a kid. **

**That was where Andy Mcnally faltered before she fell. **

**Taking the life of an innocent. **

**When she walked back into fifteen, she expected everyone to look at her as the 'kid killer', the UC cop that didn't say no. **

**The one that failed, her failure resulting in the loss of a young life. **

**She wondered how Sam would feel about her now knowing that one of the highest codes of priority was something she broke to save herself that night, in case Bobby had a spotter watching them. **

**Her dreams of Sam distorted to the cold stare of that kid everytime she closed her eyes, his lifeless eyes would be there waiting behind her eyelids. Their striking green prominent in the blackness. **

**Sometimes they would be standing next to eachother singing a mantra of 'its your fault'. **

**Even over the eighteen hours of debriefing, she felt him there, watching and listening. **

**Even when she was asleep on the couch in Luke's office, there was an instant that she would have sworn he was in the room, before his presence evaporated and turned into Gail's. **

**If she wasn't so tired she may have opened her eyes to see if he really was there, but the worry of seeing disgust in them help the heaviness caused by sleep to keep them closed. **

**After being woken by Oliver to finish her statement and handed a coffee and her favorite pizza, she briefly wondered if Sam had sent the food, Oliver wouldn't know exactly what to get and where. **

**When she resumed her briefing with Luke, she can feel the wondering eyes from behind the glass. She knows he's still there, even though she looks up occasionally and know she won't see him. **

**Several hours later, after a million questions an answers and a few bottles of water, she's allowed to go home. **

**Returning to the locker room, she isn't surprised to find him waiting for her. Over the last six months he had always been there, and promised her time and time again that they were in this together. **

**Now that it was over she knew he wouldn't stop being there. **

**Andy sat down heavily next to him on the bench, looking at the floor. **

**"She's still pissed". Nick mumbled, him too staring at the floor. **

**Andy just nodded, she didn't really have words to say to him about Gail's reaction to him being back. **

**In fact she rarely found the reason to talk much these days. **

**"Need a ride?". Nick said finally looking up at her to see her nod. He knew she wouldn't utter a syllable out loud if she didn't have to. He's grown accustomed to her silence. **

**Andy stood up and retrieved a few items out her locker, including her keys. As she closed it, Nick slung his arm over her shoulder, where it always happened to come to rest. **

**His way of assuring her that he was always right beside her. **

**They headed for the door, both lost in silent sadness that they were finally home, but things were not better now that they were. **

**Sam watched as they left the barn. **

**She seemed so defeated, so down. **

**Her shoulders were sagged and her whole aura was miserable. **

**He was hoping to catch up with her and say hi before she left, but she seemed to make it out the door before he had the chance. **

**Sally just wouldn't stop talking and stood between him and the door, her gaze transfixed on Andy still rambling away in the interview room. **

**"Don't look so surprised Sammy, I was UC for six years, doesn't mean I dropped off the planet". **

**Sam's look was curious, he was sussing her out on what she knew. **

**"Yeah I heard about her, and you. 'Bout Donny too, and what I expected to get when I met her, was far from what she's really like. You trained her well, girls got some skills". Sally stood watching Andy through the window, as she laid claim her approval of the woman still issuing her statement. **

**That was a compliment. Sally never freely dished them out, unless she wanted something. **

**"You know when I heard what Donny did, I thought there was no way. When I heard that she was a rookie, the same rookie that blew your UC, on her first day, and that you blew cover for her, I knew she was something special". Sally pulled a hand through her matted sandy brown hair, her blue eyes stoic. **

**"So how'd you find that out?". Sam was really curious as to how she knew what she knew if she was in deep cover for that long, that kind of information being leaked out somewhere could be very dangerous. **

**"I went to see Donny when he was suspended. Told Bobby I was going to see my mothers grave, so he didn't ask any questions. I drove around for five hours before showing up to find hin drunk at home. He told me the whole story of how you and you're doe eyed rookie ruined his career, but then he was rambling on about God's Good Grace, and how it nailed his ass to the wall, so kinda figured it out. Look, he set you up, but she saved you're ass, that's gotta count for something right". **

**Sally turned to Sam and smiled like she won the lottery. **

**"Like what exactly?". Sam met her stare with one of his own, not liking where this conversation was going. **

**"Look Sammy, I'm always gonna be a Boyd, but that doesn't mean my brother did the right thing. I respect the fact that you didn't do some serious harm to him, coz I've seen what you're capible of, and that there, is what I think the only thing holding you back was. If it wasn't for her, I think you might just have killed Donny for what he did to you." Sally was waiving in Andy's direction as she spoke. **

**And she was right, Andy was the only reason he didn't punch Boyd in the face the night they found him at the Brennan farmhouse, when he came into the locker room. **

**But the fact remained that Sally was just like Boyd, the same callous kind of person. The kind of cop you don't wanna become, coz you will trade who you have to, to get the job done.**

**When Sam looked up after Sally just walked out the room without saying another word, he found the interview room empty. **

**He had been too lost in his own thoughts of how much he despised the Boyd bloodline to notice that Andy and Luke left the room. **

**Now he stood watching her walk away, wrapped under Nicks arm, a different person than she had left. **

**The barns door swung closed and Sam still stood rooted to the spot, wondering what had happened to Andy while she was UC that seemingly destroyed her, deleted her and made her the sad woman he watched through the glass. **

**Thanks for reading! **

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .͡▹**

**& any thoughts on what Sally wants? **

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	3. Fade To Grey

Thanks for all the awesome reviews you guys have left! Sorry I haven't PM'd to say thanks but work is hectic & so is life! But I read them all!

Thanks to Kelly2727 & all my regulars, welcome to the newbies!

*** Thanks for letting me know about the bold font, hope its better, sorry I use a blackberry so everything appears as my text selection!

Chapter 3- Fade to Grey

Leaving the barn, Sam took the chance and drove past Andy's condo in the hopes that her lights would still be on. Against his better judgment, his truck was steered in the right direction as he pulled out into traffic. Almost like it was on auto pilot now that she was again an occupant of that address.

This could go wrong on so many levels, in so many ways, but the deep seeded desire to reassure himself ran through his vein's just as the blood that was keeping him alive.

He was overcome with the need to see her after her form retreated from view, he needed to talk to her. She looked so broken, and he was going to try fix her.

It didn't have to be a conversation revolving around them, he just needed words to flow from her soft lips to his ears.

Any words.

The fact that her red hue had not once been present on her cheeks had Sam convinced that something had changed. Or something had happened. And that would not be something good.

It caused the most heated, tingly feeling to graze over his heart, before the warm trail turned to icy chills, a kaleidoscope of horror filled images racing through his mind.

Clutching the steering wheel hard enough to turn his knuckles white, Sam forced the images out of his mind, as his colorless hands began to tremble.

For the first time in his life, Sam was afraid.

He was afraid of the endless possibilities that caused his heart to turn to stone, and his blood to run cold, the possibilities of what could have happened to her. What could have stolen her away.

He knew what people like Bobby were capable of, they made Brennan look like Mother Teresa, or a Saint, and Andy had been in the middle of it, had probably seen enough to kill a part of her, turning the softness to a hard, careless heart.

He slowed down to find her lights off, Nicks car parked outside.

He pulled over and contemplated phoning her, or knocking anyway, he didn't really care that Collins was there unless...

Okay... so that thought had never occurred to him until it suddenly slammed into him causing a momentary loss of all functions.

He never once considered that as an option, never once thought that it was even possible. Until now.

He had always thought about her as his Mcnally, his Andy. Even after he ripped her heart out, because he saw the hurt in her eyes that night, he knows he broke her heart, and he saw it flash again when he told her he loved her when she was holding the grenade.

He knew Collins had become her break up buddy after that, but what if she became Collin's Andy somewhere along the lines?

That thought stung.

Sam had always clung to the hope that she would come back and give him the chance he asked for, that they would work it out. He never had the idea that she moved on come anywhere into consideration.

Ever.

Maybe that was why she seemed so different, why she couldn't face him and still be Andy.

Sam drove away, suddenly feeling like his life had come crashing down. But he couldn't blame her, he dumped her, so he had no say in her life, no say in what she did or who she was with.

Sleep came easily to Andy, as she lay wrapped in slumber in her own bed. It was way more comfortable that the lumpy, crappy mattress they had UC.

She had asked Nick to stay, just for tonight so that she could get back into being Andy, and try get some sleep, not having to worry that the door would burst open and they would be shot where they lay sleeping.

At the mention of those words, more images flashed through her mind, before her tears began to make an appearance.

Bobby found out that there were UC's somewhere in his crew, and suspected everyone. Two days later after he dropped the line about the 'pigs going to the slaughter-house' another couple employed by him were shot dead in their sleep, he had made the wrong couple. He was looking for Andy and Nick, and just got the wrong info.

His goons had kicked in their crappy apartment door, with its crappy lock and shot them both numerous times, including two shots to the head, one above each eye, their signature marking on the now lifeless bodies that lay in mangles sheets now stained crimson.

Andy had been in a daze for days after that, once again feeling responsible for the death of two innocent people. If she wasn't here, they wouldn't be dead, coz Bobby wouldn't be told there were UC's working him.

Andy had wanted to pull the plug then and called Luke, breaking the no contact rule, but she wanted out, now.

She cried into the mouth piece, Luke for once just listening.

After calming down Luke persuaded her to hang in there a little longer, they were so close to getting these guys, after years of trying.

Bobby was clever, really smart.

And he was connected.

He ran drugs for guys tied to the Colombians, girls from as far abroad as the Taiwanese, and guns from South Africa to Afghanistan. Hard core dealings were his favorite kind. He was ruthless and heartless, and was the kind of enforcer you didn't screw with.

Andy reluctantly agreed and carried on what she was supposed to do. But inside she was screaming to get out.

A little piece of her died everyday after that, a small token of her disappearing without a second thought. It just drifted away in silence.

Sleep in her own bed lasted only a few hours, Nick right next to her when she started whimpering.

Her eyes flew open as she heard her own voice let out a strangled cry. Even though she was home, nothing seemed easier, felt better it was just harder and more complicated.

Was it supposed to be this hard, and this complicated?

Being away from home, her dad, her friends, even from Sam, although it should be so wrong for her to feel that way, she no longer had the right to, she no longer had Sam, but she couldn't help herself, it was just the way it was.

They had all often occupied her thoughts, a smell would bring back a memory, a sight would remind her of something, a sound would echo off in her mind, bringing with it the overpowering desire she secretly had to just give it up, and go home.

She wasn't a quitter, never had been, but this job was harder than she had ever expected, and she was more home sick than she would ever have believed possible.

Sam, just his name was enough to make her shiver.

Six months of missing him, wanting to reach out and touch him, needing him.

Throughout the UC she had wanted to turn to him for advice, wanting to ask him what he thought, if she was doing the right thing, if she was playing her role well enough. But she couldn't. she wasn't allowed to, but also because she didn't have the right to anymore.

She even had to fight the urge to call him, just to hear his voice, and then hang up.

Not that there was the stalker kind of person hiding somewhere deep inside of her.

She just missed him.

Andy spent the rest of the night watching tv in the lounge, leaving Nick to sleep. She knew he was tired too, and that the next few days would take their toll on him once they went back on rotation.

They had a couple days off, then it was back to work, back to reality. Andy just didn't know if she was ready for that.

Andy's days off flew by, her sleeping a little in the day, rather than attempting to a night, not wanting to bother Nick anymore than she had already.

She had her physic evaluation, and went to see her dad. She spent a lot of time with him, just sitting in silence feeding the ducks at the animal park, or watching tv.

Traci also occupied a lot of her time. They spent time playing playstation with Leo, or watching movies.

Traci seemed to have found a settling peace in her absence. She wouldn't say she had moved on after Jerry's death, but she had progressed to accepting it now.

Endless questions filled her ears from Traci, asking if she was okay, how it went, what happened. She knew Traci sensed the difference in her, seeing her turn into a silent, lost soul. But her answers were always minimal, but the same, I'm fine, okay, and nothing.

Today was the day they were back in uniform, being let back out on patrol. Andy found the thought comforting, knowing she would be kept busy.

Coming in early had its benefits, the barn was quiet, and so was the locker room.

Slipping in Andy dropped her bag and opened her locker door to find her uniform hanging where she left it, a note pinned to the sleeve.

'Had it dry cleaned for you

Love

T'

Andy smiled, always the mother hen in their group, Traci was always looking out for all of them.

Getting her uniform cleaned hadn't even crossed her mind.

The door creaked open, causing Andy to stiffen at the sudden intrusion as she turned to see him absently staring at her from just inside the doorway.

"Hey". His voice was shaky as he spoke, far from the strong, assured one he had before she left.

"Hi". Andy said before turning away to fiddle with the few items still in her locker.

"So, you're back". As soon as the words slipped out Sam silently cursed himself stating the obvious for lack of other words.

He saw her come in and go straight to the locker room, his feet moving automatically behind her of their own will.

Then stepping into the locker room and seeing her, he just clammed up. The relief that she was actually here and alive pushed all other feelings clean out of him when he saw her.

The world evaporated, the only thing he focused on was her, here.

He had been waiting for this moment for six moths, waiting for his tomorrow, and that's what he came up with?

"So, um...how'd it go? Heard you guys had a record bust". Sam's voice was a little stronger than the feeble voice he first spoke with.

Andy peered out from behind her locker door to just look at him.

Really look at him.

He hadn't changed much. He actually looked really good. Just a little tired.

Sam's heart broke as he stood taking the image of her in. She didn't look any better than she had when she was brought in.

She still had dark rings under her eyes, a clear indication that she was severely lacking sleep, her face was stoic, her skin still really pale, almost translucent.

He could have sworn that the bottle of cream in her hand was shaking a little too radically to be called normal.

She wore a mask of sadness, her eyes still void of any sign of the spark she once had.

Her brown, shiny orbs, now resembling black holes.

"Andy...". Sam never found it easy to talk. Now that he needed to and wanted to, he didn't know what to say.

"Sam, don't okay,yeah it went fine, we're back, so..."

Andy pulled back to hide behind her locker door, casting him out of her view.

"Andy, I...really need...want...to...".

Sam's mind was a blank, it was so over run at the moment that he couldn't think straight, nevermind say anything that made sense.

"No Sam, you don't need to or want to anything". Andy said before slamming her locker door closed and turning away from Sam walking towards the showers. Whatever worked to get him to leave, she just had a shower at home, but he didn't need to know that.

She heard the door close softly as he left the room.

"...oh come on Gail, I said I was sorry!". Collins came down the hallway right behind a fuming Gail who sidestepped Sam before disappearing into the locker room.

Sam stood watching their exchange, gaining a little more clarity on the situation. If Collins was chasing after Peck, that meant that there was nothing between him and Andy, so that left the option that something happened while she was away.

Collins' cold glare from the day they returned was as much present now as it was then, as he stopped in front of Sam outside the door.

"Swarek".

"Collins...um, my office now". Sam let out harshly before walking away.

When Collins came in, the temperature in the room shifted just a little as Sam closed the door. Collins knew what was coming next, and he was not gonna take it laying down, or relaxed.

"Andy's...different, distant, did something happen to her?". Sam spewed the words out before he could stop himself, as he braced for the answer.

Collins stared at him, an angry look across his face.

"Anything you wanna know about Andy, you ask Andy... No better than that I'll tell you no, she's just in a really bad place, so stay away from her okay. You can't break someone and just expect to fix them the next day. You've done enough, so just steer clear of her". Collins had raised his voice in warning, as he spoke.

When he was done, he turned around and slammed the door behind him on his way out.

Sam sat down on the edge of his desk as he ran the cold words through his mind. Was she like this because of what he had done and said? Had he hurt her that much? The thought of that changed the feeling of hopeful that rattled around inside him, to unbridled devastation.

Andy was glad shift was over.

Her morning started out on a bad note when Sam showed up in the locker room, and it just shot to crap after that.

They were welcomed back in parade, to a round of applause, and some good old fashioned cheering.

She could feel every pair of eyes watching her, and she hated it.

Then she was partnered with Oliver, who kept asking if she okay, and talked non stop. But she hardly ever answered, even when he didn't give up trying. Arriving back at the barn she was promptly ordered to shower and dragged to the Penny by Traci who sited their first shift back as reason to celebrate.

That's how she found herself now staring in silence at her glass, while everyone chatted merrily.

It wasn't long before Sam and Oliver arrived too, taking up chairs at the bar in their normal routine.

After two hours of listening to everyone rambling and catching up, Andy was ready to leave, three beers, and two rum and cokes later had her feeling slightly more effected by the alcohol than she though she'd be, but that was probably coz she had hardly eaten throughout the day, or even yesterday.

The door swung open and Andy watched as Sally casually walked in and waved at her before making her way over to Sam just as Oliver got up to leave.

Andy had found out that Sally was also a UC during her briefing, Luke had apologized for not telling them, but it was less risky that way. She heard that Sally had been working Bobby for six years to bring him down, even though she eventually shot and killed him instead.

Yet in a sick way Andy found that justice had been served in that department, even if it wasn't by her own hand, or the long, iron arm of the law.

Sam felt the irritation of her presence before he tried to ignore her sliding onto Oliver's vacated seat as she whispered a hello before ordering another two whiskeys.

"You like hanging around fifteen?". Sam's tone was flat but laced with sarcasm. She was still here, why he had no idea, but he just had a bad feeling about it.

"Yeah, tying up loose ends and working on my promotion". She said as she put his fresh glass down in front of him, and took a sip of hers.

"Well good for you, now what do you want Sally?".

Sally was the kind of person that only knew you when she wanted something, or needed something. She would use and abuse, to suite her needs.

Sam had worked with her in the past, and had seen what she was really like, and that was just scary.

"Sammy relax. I'm just here having a drink. And I'm looking and learning". She said into her glass as she took another sip.

"So who are you watching?".

"Well I'm now recruiting, being taken off the UC rotation, so I'm looking to replace the last spot on my team, I lost five on this OP over six years, and I need to fill the last one before I can leave".

Sam turned to look at her, his eyebrows lifting in amusement as he picked up his glass.

"Don't worry Sammy, I know you took yourself off the rotation list, I'm not here for you, I'm here for her". Sally nodded towards Andy who still seemed lost in her drink as she just sat there looking at the liquid.

The sound of shattering glass pulled through the Penny as every set of eyes turned to focus on Sam who still had a piece of the broken glass clutched in his hand. His eyes were focused on one face that had now moved to look up and right at him as the sound drew a ghostly silence.

Sam had never before had the urge to punch a woman as much as he did now. That would probably have gone down really badly, so instead his brain took over and elected instead to tell his hand to close tightly enough around his glass with enough force to shatter the clear, sturdy material and send a spray of liquid in all directions as the whiskey broke free of its restraints.

Andy saw Sam's face clouded over as an indescribable mask slipped over his face.

She watched him, watching her with such an intense look on his face that it caused her to shiver before she realized that she was staring back at him, along with every other set of eyes that filled the Penny. They were just shifting from him to her and back again.

Sam felt the anger boil over into rage, as he felt the sharp edge of the glass slice through the rough skin of his hand, his heart gave a galloping beat before it just stopped.

Tearing his eyes away from Andy, he turned to face Sally and leaned in, before growling out a "NO!" Between clenched teeth.

Sally took the cloth that Liam was holding out, seemingly unaffected by the fact that Sam looked like he was about to tear her apart limb by limb.

Turning to Sam, she snaked out her free hand to pull the jagged glass out of his hand and stuffing the cloth into in before she looked him in the eye and gave a reply in a firm, steady voice.

"Sorry Sammy, its been sanctioned".

Picking up her glass, she lifted it to her lips and let the rest of the amber liquid glide down her throat, before graciously setting the glass back down on the bar, standing up, and walking out the Penny.

***Thanks for reading! I know, not a lot of conversation so far, but I need to write it to where I want it to go, and I love the theories on Sally, and what she wanted!

Any thoughts on how it will go from here?

*****okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .͡▹

Have an awesome day!

Jelly Bean Jenna©


	4. Trading You

**Wow, you guys have blown me away again! Thanks for all the awesome reviews, alerts & follows! **

**I love hearing you're feedback, and theories, so please keep them coming! **

**Thanks to the regulars & Kelly2727! Welcome to the newbies! **

**Hope you'll enjoy this chapter, & leave you're mark when you're done! **

**Chapter 4- **

**Sam watched Sally walk out the door, before reverting his broken gaze back to Andy. **

**Traci had stepped between them, so Andy was blocked from his vision, he could just make out Traci saying something, while Andy shook her head in denial of the words she was hearing. **

**Clutching the cloth tightly in his hand, Sam stalked out the door, in search of Sally. **

**He found her unlocking and opening her car door as he stormed over and slammed the door closed, not caring that he nearly closed her fingers in between the metal jaws of the door itself and the frame that was attached to the rest of the car. **

**"Sammy...". **

**"No way in hell Sally. Have you _seen_ her, what she looks like? There is no way that she would survive another UC! This one screwed her up, _she's not even here_. No, you won't take her...". Sam let the words tumble out, laced with anger and his tone sharp. **

**"Sam I don't know Mcnally, but I know what I saw with her working Bobby, she's the honest kinda cop that can't be bought, that's why I want her, and she gets the job done, no matter how hard it is". **

**"No Sally...". **

**"Sammy, its done, so what's gonna stop me from taking her? I...". **

**"_Me_ Sally, I'm gonna stop you, I'm not gonna let you do that to her". **

**"And just how do you plan on doing that?, its done Sammy, signed, sealed and it just needs to be delivered". Sally's tone was dry as she tried to pull on her car door handle in an attempt to open the door again, just to have it forcefully slammed closed. **

**"She's not cut out for this, she won't make it, not because she _can't_ do it, its just not her. She doesn't have it in her to do it". Sam was aware of another presence as he looked up to find Frank striding over to them, unimpressed, Noelle stopping half way over the parking lot to hang back and give them a little space. **

**"Sam...". Frank said as he came to stand between them, not quite looking directly at Sam even though he was addressing him. **

**"Tell me you didn't know about this Frank". Sam's voice was torn when he let the words slip free, the final pieces of the puzzle slipping into place to give him a terrible picture of truth. **

**"I won't then". Came Frank's reply as he finally looked at Sam unable to stop the truth from breaking free. **

**"Fu...Seriously? And you didn't think to clue me in on this at any time? Damnit Frank, have you seen her? Have you looked at her and seen what its done to her? Six months, and it nearly killed her Frank, now you're gonna send her back in there for god know's how long to what? Get herself killed? Not gonna happen". **

**Sam was violently shaking his head as the last few words slipped off his tongue and into the night air. **

**"Well that Sammy, is just too bad, I said its done, exactly how do you plan on stopping it, or changing it?". Sally dared to push her already teetering luck, never backing away from a fight if she wanted to win. **

**"Take me, leave her, _and take me_". The words broke free of his lips, in the most pleading tone he had ever heard himself use. **

**"Sam...". Frank voice was as shocked as Sally's expression was as his words filtered through to them. **

**"You had yourself taken off the list Sam, for her, and now you want back on it?". Sally wasn't quiet sure how Frank came to that conclusion, but seeing the honesty wash over Sam's face she knew Frank hit the nail on the head. **

**Sam just nodded. **

**"Sammy...". **

**"No Sally, this is how its gonna happen, you're gonna back off and leave her alone. Two weeks, that's all I want to sort stuff out, and I'm yours, no questions asked, just two weeks, and nobody else knows, that's it". **

**When it came to Andy, even now, he would willingly trade his life for hers. Maybe that's the sacrifice he was meant to make, not to be with her, but rather to take her place. To keep her safe. **

**If there were ever words he regretted using when it came to her, there would be enough to write a few pages with. **

**Words like I can't be a cop and be with you, all you wanted was to keep being a cop, even the words he said to her in the cruiser when they went on patrol after her engagement to Callaghan was anounced, are you pregnant? Really? That was defiantly up high on the list. **

**There were only three sentences he would never regret using when it came to her, the first being, I love you, he just regretted that his timing was so bad, and that he didn't use them sooner, the second was that he would do everything, when he said he wanted her back, and the third was right here, right now, when he said take me, without even having to think about it. **

**Even though the latter was about her, rather than to her. **

**He stared at Sally, his eyes imploring her to accept his offer and back off Andy. **

**Silence wrapped around them, the darkness engulfed them, no one daring to move or speak, until Sally finally nodded. **

**Sam let out the breath that had been locked away in his throat at the movement of her head. **

**"Sammy, if you do this, there will be no going back, no changing you're mind. Two weeks Sammy, and I will be back". **

**Sam stepped away from her door, letting her climb in her car and drive off. **

**He avoided Franks face, knowing there would be a look on it he wasn't ready to see just yet. **

**"Sam...". **

**"Don't Frank, okay, just don't". Sam said waving his hand between then before turning and walking towards his truck. **

**Andy felt the sudden urge to climb in under the table as Sam's eyes pierced through her. He wasn't just looking at her, he was looking past the outer shell, seeking out her very inner core with the most intense gaze he had ever cast her way. **

**Whatever Sally just said caused Sam a large amount of anguish, as he turned to face her. It flashed through his eyes as they stared, unblinking at her. She had the feeling that she just might be the source of it. **

**As he tore his eyes away and he focused them back on Sally, Traci slid up next to her, a warm hand wrapping itself over one of her own. **

**"Andy, you have got to talk to him sometime, if you won't talk to me, then talk to him". **

**Andy began shaking her head as she felt the familiar tingle in her eyes as tears welled up. **

**Without giving it a second thought, Andy reached for he bag, that was slung over the back of her chair, before walking out the door. **

**She needed to escape. **

**She saw Frank and Noelle whispering mutely outside the door, as she breezed through it, her ears deaf to the sound of her name being called out behind her. **

**Her movements caught their eyes, their heads lifting to see her, and show the full view of the sadness that seemed to grace their faces. **

**Just before Andy put her head down, Noelle tore her eyes away from Andy to let them wander down the empty street, Frank just turned to face her with wide eyes. **

**Whatever the reason was that they were looking at her like that, it was not good. **

**Sam was pouring coffee when Andy slipped through the doors and straight for the locker room. **

**Her head was hanging low, just like it always was these days, her hair pulled back in a messy bun. **

**He would bet his truck right now that if her hair had been loose, she would have been hiding her face behind a curtain of hair. **

**He spent most of last night lost in thoughts of her after he left the Penny. **

**He had driven around for a while, aimlessly steering through the dark streets, trying to calm his temper down. **

**He eventually went home and grabbed a beer and staggered over to the couch, without even bothering to turn any lights on. **

**For every heartbeat his heart gave, he had a thought race through his mind, or a memory fill his minds eye. **

**He was making the right decision, the right choice. She may never know it, but he was doing it for her, simply because she deserved something better. **

**The sound of dripping liquid pulled him from the exhausted memories, as he looked down and saw that the coffee he was still pouring had over filled the cup, and now ran across the top of the counter and leaked off the side, barely missing his shoe. **

**Letting out a sigh, he put the coffee pot back down before abandoning his over flowing cup where it stood and let his feet again carry him the direction he was drawn to. **

**Pushing the door open just a crack, he called her name and waited for an answer. **

**"Pervert". The whispered voice of Noelle filled his ear, causing him to jump just an inch, he wasn't even aware that she was there. **

**"Just go, I'm sure she's alone". She smiled before walking to Frank who stood at the end of the hallway, arms crossed, but eyes closed, see no evil style. **

**Sam stepped into the room, the sound of running water the only sound filling the room. **

**"Andy?". Calling her name again only warranted more silence in the room. **

**Stepping around the corner of the wall, Sam saw the billowing steam race towards the ceiling from behind the closed shower curtain. **

**"Andy?". Still calling her name, a little louder, he got silence in response. **

**Stepping a little closer to the closed curtain, he noticed the pink water that was starting to dribble down over the step of the shower, the shallow one, the one that was supposed to keep the water in, and stop the floor from getting wet. **

**Raising a tentative hand, Sam inched the curtain back just a fraction, just enough to peer through, expecting to find where he guessed Andy's head would be. **

**Instead he found the inside of the white shower tiles glistening back at him, drops of water running down them from the heat. **

**Looking down, he found Andy curled up on the floor, her towel still wrapped around her, laying on her side facing away from him. **

**Lucky for her she had fallen with her face turned slightly up, her arm tucked neatly in under her head, or she would have possibly drowed in the rising water. **

**The towel had blocked the drain, causing the water to become logged and start to fill the bottom of the shower. **

**A red smudge on the back of her head caused tiny drops to drip down, tinting the water below it a rosy pink. **

**Ironic that sight, the only thing he had wated to see since she had come back, was a pink tint to her cheeks, now instead there was a pink tint to the water in the shower. **

**Reaching for his phone and yanking back the shower curtain at the same time, Sam kneeled down, his hand moving from the plastic sheet, to the pale skin of Andy's neck. **

**Noelle answered on the first ring to hear a rather breathless Sam say something about "Andy...shower...bus". Before the line dropped and she took off running. **

**Sam didn't bother turning off the water, he just dropped his phone on the floor before stepping into the shower under the hot spray, and scooping Andy up before swinging her out the shower and laying her on the water dropped floor as the door burst open to reveal Noelle and Frank. **

**Frank was yelling into his phone as Noelle raced around the room, grabbing any dry towels that were lurking in the room. **

**Sam grabbed the first one, and wrapped it around Andy, before reaching for Noelle's hand and placing it clutching the towel on the back of Andy's head where the blood was still flowing freely from. **

**Sam's hand moved to Andy's face, brushing back the wet strings of hair that stuck to her face, before he lifted her eyelids to see her pupils contract at the sudden light. **

**That was a good sign. **

**He had checked her breathing before moving her, and her pulse, and they seemed strong, she was just unconscious, from what appeared to be a slip in the shower. **

**Frank moved to turn off the water, as the door swung open and the medics rushed into the room. **

**Noelle was the first to hand over, telling them that Sam found her in the shower, and that was all they knew. **

**Sam was just unresponsive. **

**Noelle bent down in front of him and yelled his name, making him snap his eyes to her as he focused. **

**The other medic moved in, ushering Sam out the way. **

**Ten minutes later, Andy was loaded into the back of the bus, Noelle getting in behind her before Sam had a chance. **

**Sam watched as the doors closed, loud sirens signaling their hasty departure. **

**"Go". Frank said as Sam turned to him, disbelief mingling on his face with the drops of water that dripped down from his hair. **

**Sam didn't need to be told twice. **

**A little over an hour later, Andy was settled in her room, an IV plastered to her hand, and tubes and pipes twined from her to the various machines around her. **

**The doctor in the ER gave her a look over before admitting her and deciding to keep her sedated, but not heavily. **

**Once inside her room, the doctor came out into the hallway in search of Sam and Noelle. **

**Standing up they faced the greying man and waited for his report. **

**"Officer Mcnally has been sedated, but very mildly, she is suffering from exhaustion and fatigue, she is malnourished, under weight, and borderline anorexic, and very dehydrated. Whatever she has been doing to herself has got to stop, her body is not in good shape. I've got an IV running, and had to give her twelve stitches in her head. I think she collapsed in the shower rather than slipped, she probably hit her head in the fall. She will be kept in overnight, but I will release her tomorrow provided that there is no concussion. She should be awake soon, if you want to see her" the doctor nodded and walked away, Noelle breathed a sigh of relief as she mumbled that she was gonna call Frank, as Sam saw read flash over the back of his eyelids as he clenched them closed. **

**Noelle nodded towards the door, as she waved her phone around, leaving Sam little choice but to slip into the room. **

**He found her awake, with her eyes staring at the ceiling, her skin as pale as the white sheets she lay between, her blue hospital gown and the halo of her dark hair spread out against the pillow, the only color in the room. **

**She was propped up against some high stacked pillows, her right hand lost in her hair. **

**"Hey". Sam mumbled as he moved towards the bed. **

**Andy's eyes looked towards him before averting away as she let out a groan, her hand wobbling still tangled in her own hair. **

**Sam peered at her curiously, noting the frustration gracing her face as he noticed that she was pulling on her hair. **

**"Andy..."**

**"I'm stuck okay". She suddenly snapped, her voice cracking in irritation. **

**Sam stepped closer, to see the IV run up her hand and disappear into the dark tendrils of her hair. **

**Leaning over her, he found that a rather tangled clump of hair was stuck to the clear plaster that held the IV line in her arm. She must have rolled it down and put her hand in her hair to feel the stitches, not realizing that there was a sticky side turned up. **

**Prying the hair free, rather slowly, Sam couldn't help but breath her scent in. It was mingled with the sanitary aroma of the hospital, but it still smelled like her. **

**She turned her face just a fraction towards him, her eyes watching his face while his hands worked on freeing her. **

**Sam had to use every ounce of self control he possessed to do the job at hand, rather than sweep her up and never let her go. **

**Her warm breath swept over his cheek, causing his heart to break and crack before crumbling completely. **

**As he pulled back, he noticed how close she was, her hand now free of its hairy tangle still grasped in his, but she didn't pull it away. **

**Her eyes were watching him, yet the tint to her cheeks he hoped to find, was still lacking in appearance. His. Close proximity had always caused a heated flush to creep up her cheeks in the past. **

**Frozen where he was, his eyes drifted from her eyes to her colorless cheeks, to her lips, just as he felt himself drawn in towards them. **

**When his lips made contact with hers, the spark ignited through his own flesh, right about when his brain kicked in and he dropped her hand, and flinched back standing up straight. **

**His hand instinctively ran up to his hair, pulling through it, while his voice tried to find words. **

**The only thing that came out when his lips parted was a broken "I'm sorry" before he spun around and stalked out the door, right into the hard force of Nick Collins. **

**Sam put his hands up, and began walking Collins backwards until his back found a wall at the end of the hall, a irrational "You" coming from between Sam's clenched teeth. **

**"You had one responsibility, one job to do, and you failed. You broke the cardinal rule of always having your partners back, you just left her to wither away, broken...". Sam was having a hard time breathing, his heart pounding away in his chest as he came face to face with the person he deemed responsible for Andy being here now. **

**"Sammy...". Noelle's voice rang down the hall, strong an firm. **

**"Me? I dint leave her standing in the rain Swarek, I didn't walk away after breaking her heart, to tell her I loved her because I though she was gonna die...". **

**Nick's words ceased to be as Sam rammed him into the wall after pulling him forward to make space to do so. **

**"Sammy let him go, its not worth it". Noelle stepped up to the side of them, her eyes imploring Sam to let go of Collins, before things got out of hand. **

**Sam shoved him back into the wall before letting his hands drop to his sides and walking away. **

**As soon as Sam was out of sight, Noelle turned to Collins as she crossed her arms over her chest. **

**"Two rules about Swarek, never stand between him and Mcnally, _ever_, and two if you value you're life, never engage Swarek, _ever_". Noelle stepped back just as Collins shifted off the wall and tugged his shirt back into place, lifting an eyebrow up in amusement. **

**"Why not?, he started it". Collins said, his eyes boring defiantly into Noelle's.**

**"Because he _will_ kill you". Noelle said, no traces of humor on her face. **

**Andy watched Sam as he turned and left her alone in the room, the heart monitor picking up a new beat as her heart rate increased at the minimal contact they had just had. **

**As her door pulled closed, her hand flew up to cover her lips, the feeling of his still present on them. **

**Her mind didn't, over-think, it didn't race, it didn't even think, after all the only reason he would kiss her now, is because she was right there. **

**Sam cursed himself as he skipped going back to the barn and drove home instead. **

**If he though before, that dumping Andy was the stupidest thing he had ever done, he knew he was wrong the minute he leaned in and let his lips linger on hers. **

**That right there, that was the stupidest thing he had ever done. **

**It wasn't about the fact that he kissed her, it was about his awesome timing once again, and knowing he would be leaving in two weeks, he just could not do that to her again. **

**Or to himself. **

**Reaching his house, he fired off a quick text to Frank saying he was taking a few days off, not citing any given reason, before he rummaged around his room, packed a duffle bag and hit the road, before changing his mind. **

**Andy washed her eyes over the back of the closed door, her hand still on her lips trembling as she felt the tell tale signs of her eyes misting over. **

**The sudden warm feeling that engulfed her cheeks, made her lips curve up slightly at the corners. A pink hue transforming the ghostly white skin to a soft warmth as her blush crept up her neck before laying claim to the flesh of her face. **

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .͡▹**

**Thanks for taking the time to read!**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	5. Choosing you

**Thanks for all you're amazing reviews & feedback for the last chapter, as usual you guys managed to blow me away!**

**Also thanks to all the newbies reviewing my other fics, you guys are awesome!**

**Thanks to the regulars, & Kelly2727, & welcome to the newbies!**

**Chapter 5**

**Pulling into the narrow driveway, Sam was momentarily lost in the memories of the last time he had been here. **

**It was about five months ago, when he was in a place similar to where he was now. **

**That place lingering between the gates of hell and the eternal flames they kept locked inside. **

**Getting out of his truck, he saw the door was already open, waiting for his entrance into the house. **

**Leaving his bag for later, he stepped through the threshold into the warmth of the familiar surroundings. **

**"Sammy, kitchen". He could hear the pure bliss in her voice as she told him where she was hiding. **

**Stepping into the dark marbled room, he was overwhelmed by the sweet smell of cherries and vanilla, as the smell of the cookies floated through the house, but only triggered a name once it was right under his nose. **

**"So what are...oh". **

**He must look really crappy if her words turned into a dead end when she spun around to face him. **

**"Sarah". Sam whispered as she stepped closer before enveloping him in a tight hug, she didn't need words to know that something was wrong. **

**Pulling from his embrace, she moved to the fridge before grabbing two beers and handing him one, swaying her hand towards the back deck. **

**"Sarah its ten am". Sam said eyeing the open bottles. **

**"I know, but from that I think I'll need something stronger by ten thirty". She waved her delicate hand towards his face. **

**"Okkkaaaayyyy". Sam said arching an eyebrow before walking to the deck, opening the door and taking a seat on the large wooden deck swing just outside the door. **

**The swing had become the place they would have their talks, where Sarah shed her tears. **

**Halfway through his beer, Sarah joined him, a heavy sigh escaping her lips as she sat down, holding him another freshly opened bottle. **

**"She okay?". Sarah cut right to the chase, Sam's last visit still a fresh memory. **

**"Sarah...". **

**"Sam, I know that look, remember the last time you were here? You show up in the middle of the night because you finally decide to fall in love, leave her, then tell her you love her, too late I might add, while she's holding a bomb and you're both standing on deaths doorstep, before she leaves... She didn't...". A sudden thought ran through Sarah's mind as she rambled away. **

**What if Sam was here because the one woman that he truly loved...well, died? **

**"Nope". Sam's reply came hastily as he watched the worry cloud a face that mirrored his. **

**"So, she's back?". **

**"Yup?". Sam meant it to be a firm answer, but his voice spoke the truth, she was there, she just wasn't really herself. **

**"Sam, then why are you here? I don't get it. You told me that this was it, the real thing, and now she's back and you're here?". **

**Sam's eyes stayed focused on the distant scenery of the back yard. **

**The trees swaying slightly in the breeze, the greens of the leaves shades of lights and darks, before they changed to browns where they met the bark of the branches. **

**"Sarah...its complicated". **

**"So uncomplicate it Sam. Where did she even go?". **

**Sam never let the details slip of where Andy had gone when she left, Sarah hated the fact that he had done it in the past, and considering that the two had never met, telling her that Andy left to go UC was not gonna put her in Sarah's good books. **

**"Look it doesn't matter, she left and now she's back, and things have changed, she's changed, she's not... the same anymore". Sam took a long sip of his beer, hating the fact that he could utter such words, because they were true. **

**"So? Is she the same person Sam?". **

**"No, she's... Broken. Look, she was UC for six months, and I just dunno, she's quiet and distant, she's pale, she ended up in the hospital this morning, collapsed in the shower, I went to talk to her and she was just laying there...". Sam's words drifted to silence as Sarah's eyes widened. **

**"Sam...is she okay though?". Sam nodded, but just slightly. **

**"So, did something happen?". **

**Sarah's voice was mousy as she spoke, Sam knew exactly what she was asking, the thought had run through his mind nonstop. **

**"I...dunno, she won't talk to me, or Nash, her best friend, she's just so quiet". **

**"Sammy, remember when dad went in the last time? You were about ten or eleven, I was about fifteen, anyway mom was always babbling and talking nonstop when we were growing up right? But that time she was different, she was quiet and distant and I asked her about it one day, and her answer was simple, but true, she said 'When a woman is silent she is either over-thinking, tired of waiting, falling apart, crying inside or all of the above.' She never told me which one she was, but I think it was the all of the above, coz it was like she knew he wasn't coming home this time". **

**Sam listened intently, but he still didn't know which one would apply to Andy, if any. **

**"So that's why you're really here? Or is there something you're not telling me?". **

**Sarah knew him too well, after all they were so much the same. **

**"Um... Yeah, I'm leaving soon, I just dunno when I'll be back this time". **

**"No, Sam, don't you dare!". Sarah's face turned from concerned to panicked. **

**"I have to do this Sarah". **

**"You have to? Since when was going UC a _have to_ Sam?". **

**"It was me or her, so its gonna be me, she won't...". **

**"What?". Sarah's voice raised a few octaves as she stood up glaring at Sam. **

**"Sarah, I... it was her or me, okay, so I chose me, coz she won't make another one. She doesn't even know".**

**Sam knew there was no use reasoning with his sister now, he had promised that he was done with UC, and now he was breaking that promise, breaking his word. **

**"You're choosing _her_? You're taking _her _place? What about_ me_ Sam? I'm you're sister!". **

**"You'll always be that Sarah, I just have to do this". **

**"No Sam, what you have to do is, _stay_". **

**"Sarah, we're both Swarek's, and when Swarek's love, they never stop, you know that, even after Josh...". Sam let his words trail off, realizing his mistake as Sarah's hand collided with his face. **

**Sarah had met her husband in high school, the real kinda 'highschool sweethearts' was their story. **

**They'd been married for four years before their oldest son was born, Damian, then two years later, Jayden followed. **

**After seventeen years of marriage, Josh committed suicide, a bad gambling debt on some games, to some really nasty pieces of work, his reason. **

**Sam's only consolation was that the guy had the brains to do it in his office rather than his house where his wife or kids could have found him. **

**"Don't you dare,_ ever_". Sarah yelled as she pulled her burning hand back into her personal space, a red mark left on Sam's cheek as a reminder of his words **

**"Sarah I'm sorry...I didn't mean..."**

**"Get out Sam". **

**Sarah's words took Sam by surprise, she had never kicked him out of her house before. **

**"Sarah...". **

**"Go Sam". She whispered as her tears made their presence know, before she abruptly turned and walked back inside her home. **

**Sam pinched the bridge of his nose, as he let out a huffed breath. He really didn't mean it the way it sounded, he merely wanted to point out that after what Josh had done, the hurt and pain he put Sarah and her two children through, she never stopped loving him. **

**Not even after seven years. **

**Taking one last look at the house before he backed out the driveway, Sam let his eyes find her frame behind the curtains of the lounge, watching him as he drove away. **

**Andy spent a few hours tossing and turning in her hospital bed, she couldn't find a comfortable position. Noelle had been by after Sam left, baring every kind of food type you could think of, and forcing her to eat. **

**Traci came by later, dropping off her phone and some clothes and necessities she picked up from Andy's condo on the way over. **

**Dov and Chris kept calling to see if she was okay, and Nick stopped by with Oliver twice before lunch and three times between lunch and dinner.**

**After dinner, and before another round of pain meds, Andy finally took her shower, avoiding washing her hair because of the stitches. **

**Comfortable in bed, the sun having turned to moonshine and stars, Andy felt her mind drift back to Sam now that she was finally alone and in peace. **

**She couldn't seem to wrap her mind around the idea that he had kissed her, however briefly, before mumbling a sorry and walking away. **

**That was his best trait, the fact that he was so damn good at walking away. **

**The sound of shrilled ringing broke Sam's concentration, as he wiped the kitchen counter down after cleaning the kitchen up after making a rather late dinner. **

**Leaving the cloth, he reached out for his phone, expecting to see Sarah's name flash across the screen, rather than the number he didn't know. **

**"Swarek". He answered. **

**"Officer Swarek?". A unfamiliar female voice whispered hesitantly in his ear. **

**"Yeah". **

**It wasn't often that local numbers called him after ten pm, so he was feeling a little anxious. **

**"Um...hi, I'm Lucy Soares, senior staff nurse at Victoria Mercy, are you by chance a Sam?". **

**Sam's heart skipped a beat as the voice identified itself as a nurse from the hospital that Andy was in over night. **

**"Is she okay?". Sam said without bothering to answer her question. **

**"Um, that's the reason I'm calling, Miss Mcnally keeps falling asleep, and crying out for a 'Sam' in her sleep, you are listed as a S. Swarek, an emergency contact, so I'm kinda hoping its you, or that you can tell me who Sam is?". **

**Her words drew silence from Sam , as shock seeped through him at hearing she was calling out for him in her sleep. He was unintentionally the reason she wasn't sleeping. **

**"Its me...Sam". What else was he supposed to say? **

**"Okay, hi Sam. Could you maybe, I dunno, come down here, so she can see you're okay, its like she thinks something happened to you, she's very restless, so maybe having you here will calm her down, coz I can't give her another shot until three am and she's disturbing the other patients". The voice was hopeful as it requested his presence. **

**"Yeah. I guess". Sam wasn't sure that this would work out the way she was hoping, but he couldn't say no, not when he knew she needed him, and this time he was going to be there even if she didn't want him there. **

**The walk down the long white hallway was made in an eerie silence, the only sound was his footsteps, his shoes meeting the shiny floor. **

**He found Lucy at the nurses station a little after eleven, just where she said she'd be. **

**She walked him over to Andy's door, a curious look on her face as she tried to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Sam had to resist the urge to roll his eyes. **

**"She doesn't sleep long, twenty maybe fourty minutes at a time, before she wakes up calling for you, sorry if I...disturbed you". Lucy said pushing the door open a little more than it already was to reveal a peaceful looking Andy. **

**"Let me know if you need anything". Lucy flashed a bright smile before walking back in the direction they came from. **

**Sam slid into the room, stopping for a moment to let his eyes adjust to the dark room before venturing forwards. **

**In slumber she looked just like his Andy. **

**The peaceful look on her face, the puckering lips, the dark hair fanned out over the pillows. **

**Sliding into the chair next to her bed, Sam couldn't seem to take his eyes off of her. **

**He sat watching her for ages, never growing tired of his eyes resting on her sleeping form. **

**After some time, he noticed her free hand, closest to him suddenly clench into a tight ball, as soft sighs were escaping her lips. **

**Her head was moving slightly, as whatever nightmare she was having claimed her dreams. **

**Soft breaths warped into soft groans, as Sam leaned in and gently took her hand in his own, his fingers rubbing the soft pale skin at the back of her hand.**

**He hoped the action would settle her just enough to make her relax, perhaps even allow her dreams to resurface and make the demons in her nightmare return to their rest.**

**Sam felt her fingers tighten around his hand, just as she let out a curdled cry, a word only three letters long.**

**When the nurse had first called, he was reluctant to believe that Andy was calling for him in her sleep, but here, right now, actually hearing it escape her lips into the air between them, as her eyes flew open with enough force to startle him, that just so very nearly pushed him over the line that bordered sanity from the deranged insane.**

**Andy took a moment to let her eyes focus, feeling the presence in the room with her, as well as the warm skin that burned against the flesh of her hand that told her he was here.**

**Why?**

**That she didn't know, or why he was watching her with a look of resentment burning in his eyes, before it softened to warm orbs of speckled brown as he looked down at their hands, before she ripped hers away and back to her side.**

"**Hey" Sam tried to find the normalness they once had, but even digging deep, it was missing.**

**Andy remained silent, her eyes flicking around the room to see if there were any other presences lurking in the dark.**

"**Go back to sleep, its just you and me here, I'll stay till the morning"**

**Sam let the words free themselves as he saw her looking around before looking back in his general direction.**

"**Why?" Andy whispered the question, finally looking right at him, as her eyes clouded over with glistening, unshed tears.**

"**Andy…"**

"**Sam, there is _no_ need for you to be here now, so go home"**

**Sam quirked an eyebrow, she obviously didn't know that she had been calling out for him loud enough to get the senior nurse to call him to come down here **

"**Then why were you calling for me in you're sleep?"**

**Andy's face paled when she realized that he knew that, it was a well kept secret between her and Nick, and even then she had to beg him to keep it to himself. **

**He had begged and pleaded with her to talk to someone, Noelle, Traci, Gail, or even Sam, but her only response had been "that's not an option" **

**Nick had warned her that things would get tougher when they were back home, but she refused to talk to have a normal conversation, how did he expect her to tell anyone what she did, and least of all Sam. **

**How was she supposed to form the words that would go "I cost four people their lives"? **

**Nick had told her it was the only way to stop the nightmares, the only way to set herself free, and that secrets don't come out all neat and tidy. **

**But still she refused. **

**Sam watched as a torrent of emotions pulled over her face, her eyes dipping low to hide. **

**"Wanna talk?". Sam didn't know what else to say, so he started with the plain old simple. **

**Andy just shook her head in a polite decline. **

**"Okay, but I'm here if you change you're mind, now please get some sleep". **

**Sam knew he had a lot disappointment written all over his face, he had just really hoped she would open up to him. **

**Old Andy would have. **

**Andy felt her tears well up, as she listened to Sam. She wanted to tell him, she really did, but she knew he would hate her. Hate what she had done, and what she had taken from him, although it wasn't even really there to begin with. **

**Andy slid down the pillows, pulling the blanket up closer to her chin. Closing her eyes, she saw the images flash behind her lids, Nick yelling, her falling, the crimson color that this time was really visible on her hands when she looked down at them. **

**The blood that tainted her hands. **

**The whispered words as Nick and a medic tried to comfort her, while trying to keep herself composed enough to keep their cover intact and them alive enough to deal with the repercussions. **

**If Luke hadn't shown up that night, she probably would have made the number of lives she was responsible for letting be lost become the odd number five, or an even six. **

**Rolling away, she let the tears fall silently, as the blame came crashing down on her. **

**Sam watched as Andy rolled away, pulling the blanket up too high, before letting her hand wipe away at her eyes. **

**He knew she was crying silent tears, and didn't want him to see the clear liquid as it ran down her cheeks. **

**Shaking his head, and running his hand over his face, he made the rash decision to stop her tears, and help her find the sleep she needed. **

**Moving out the chair and over to the bed, in a sleek, fluid movement, he kicked off his shoes, before sitting down on the edge of the bed so as not to scare her. **

**He silently scooted over next to Andy before swinging his legs up and turning to slip in behind her, on top of the covers. **

**He wondered if she had deliberately moved over to the far edge or if it was just a coincidence. **

**His hand moved to rest on the top of her thigh, and he felt her stiffen under his touch. But he didn't back off or move away, he instead edged a little closer, and lay still. **

**It wasn't long before Sam felt Andy relax, no more signs of her attempts to silently shed tears. **

**He let his head rest on the pillow next to hers, breathing in her scent, as he felt her leg shift to a placid position as she drifted off to sleep. **

**He watched her side rise and fall with each breath she inhaled and exhaled, comforted by the fact that he was able to assure her enough to let her get some sleep. **

**It wasn't long before the sun began to filter into the room, warming it from the edges inward's, right up to the bed where Andy still lay locked in sleep. **

**Sam spent the hours laying next to her lost in thought. **

**He thought back to the time where she was an innocent doe eyed rookie, her passion to be a good cop seeping from her. Her spark emanated from her back then, lighting up a room when she walked into it, igniting every single fiber of his being whenever she was in close proximity. **

**Now the fire that had flickered in her became nothing but burnt out memories. **

**Embers of the former her. **

**Sam found his hand unconsciously playing with her hair, a natural action whenever the opportunity had presented itself in the past. **

**His mind drifted to the fact that in less than two weeks, this would too be a distant memory, a figment of the past. **

**He would leave, and she would be here, only he didn't want to leave her like this, so broken. **

**That left him little time to light that spark, and help her find her blush. **

**Andy felt Sam's fingers run through her hair, cautiously avoiding the small area that had been shaved to accommodate her stitches as they fingered the loose tendrils. **

**The action was so familiar, she wondered if he even knew he was doing it. **

**The suns rays had started to filter into the room, rays of light beaming through the blinds that weren't closed all the way. **

**She felt rested, knowing she had not woken up again since Sam' s arrival. **

**She couldn't even remember the last time she had gotten so much sleep. **

**She felt him lightly pull his hand back from her leg, before he shifted slowly and climbed off the bed. **

**She heard him shifting around the room, hushed noises the only sound besides her machines beeping. **

**Just when she thought he had slipped out, she felt him linger really close, as he leaned in and pressed a kiss to the side of her head. **

**Fighting the urge to whimper, she held herself under the pretense of sleep, as she heard him close the door behind his retreating form. **

**This time, it was best to let him walk away. **

*******Thanks for reading!**

**And so we hear about a 4th person, but why is this one so different? & what happened? Let me know some of you're theories, & thaughts?**

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .͡▹**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	6. Running On Empty

As always, thanks for all you're awesome reviews! They make my day, so please keep them comning!

Thanks to all the Regulars & Kelly2727, and welcome to the newbies!

Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 6- Running on Empty

Andy was released the next morning, with strict instructions to eat, and drink plenty of fluids.

She was benched for the next week, no active duty permitted by the doctor, until a check up appointment cleared her.

She called her dad to pick her up, a disapproving look on his face when he arrived.

He drove her home, keeping his worried thoughts to himself.

Andy sent Traci a quick text letting her know she was home, with the assurance that she was fine. He dad made her coffee before promising to stop by later with dinner for her.

When he left, she grabbed a shower, scrubbing away the smell of disinfectant, before settling on the couch, her mind waging a war as to why she was so torn.

Sam was there because she needed him, and he spent the time with her giving, without taking or expecting anything in return.

Just like Sam was.

Selfless.

Usually.

His actions still confused her, although if she was honest with herself having him there just felt right. It made her feel whole. At peace.

Letting her eyes flutter open, she realized she must have drifted off to sleep, and somehow ended up stretching out on the couch.

Following the delicious smell that assaulted her nose to the kitchen, she found dinner on the counter with a note from her dad. He must have found her asleep and left her.

As dusk settled in around them, Sam tried calling Sarah again.

He had been calling her, but each time she avoided the call and let it ring though to voicemail.

If only she would understand, why he was doing this, why he was giving his last few days to bring Andy back to Andy, before willingly taking her place.

He'd spent most of the day catching up on paperwork in the office, occasionally catching Nash watching him, her lips pulled into a tight line like she was holding words back.

She really was good for Jerry, and Andy, and getting to know her a little better since he went on detective rotation and she decided to go back on it too, he understood why people found it so easy to let her in.

She was just...so much like a teddy bear.

Memories of Jerry ran through his mind, some sad, but most happy. And of how happy Jerry had been with Nash.

Jerry was given a second chance to love after a messy divorce, he just hoped that Nash would get one someday too.

She deserved it.

And here he is, his second chance to love the same woman, even though the universe was working against them. She was here and alive, and here he is, wasting his time still here pushing paper.

Letting out a rough sign he notices Nash leaning against the doorframe of his office door.

"It sucks when you think about the one that got away doesn't it". Nash mumbled, sadness encasing her voice.

"He didn't get away Nash, he got you". Sam sighed leaning back in his chair to watch her walk into the tiny room.

"I wasn't talking about me, I'm talking about you Swarek".

Normally he would be on the defensive with a comment like that, but with her, he couldn't find it in himself to become annoyed or agitated.

"You need to do something Sam, I've tried, Nicks tried, so have Chris and Dov, but she won't let us in". Traci perched on the edge of his table, watching for his reaction as she spoke.

"I...I've tried, I spent the night at the hospital with her, the nurse called me coz she screams and cries in her sleep, so I...she just doesn't talk".

Sam wasn't quite sure how to phrase what he wanted to say to her, it was Nash, if he couldn't say what he wanted too, to Andy, or even Oliver, how the hell did she expect him to tell her?

"Sam, all she ever wanted was you, but you gave that up. You walked away. I know you told her you love her when she was holding the bomb, and I know she took my place on the task force coz she was scared and hurting, but seriously? She's like...dead inside, there is no more Andy in there. All she wanted was for you to fight for her when things got tough, instead you walked away, she's never had anyone actually fight for her, so maybe its time you do?".

She was right and wrong at the same time, he wanted nothing more than to fight for her, but how could he when he would leave again, no explanation, just disappear without a word.

"Look Sam, it doesn't matter what happened between you guys in the past, the present is not a good place for her right now, so...".

Sam knew she was right, and besides if he left and Andy was Andy, she would be okay.

Nash left without saying another word, she could see the wheels spinning away in Sam's mind, hopefully she had said enough to give him a little push in the right direction.

The whole situation was just frustrating, he was torn between doing the right thing, and it being wrong to her, for her, or doing the right thing for her and being wrong.

It was all just so screwed up.

Deciding to let off some steam, Sam decided to hit the gym at the station. This time of the night, shifts having changed, it would be empty, just what he needed to let some of the anger out by punching a bag.

Approaching the gym door, Sam heard panting breaths, the soft pounding of gloves on the bag indicating that the room already had a frustrated occupant.

Looking through the tiny window in the door, Sam watched as she bounded around, slamming her fists into the bag as it swung back and forth.

Obviously not working didn't mean not working out in her books.

Her hair had become a messy bun, loose strands pulling free as she bounced about the mat.

Man she looked pissed.

Whatever was weighing her down, was causing her an unnatural amount of anger and aggression, something Sam had never seen in her before.

The minute he stepped into the room, she stopped.

She flicked her eyes over to see him, before pulling her hands back and letting the bag swing aimlessly, suspended from the chain attached to the ceiling.

Sam smiled, as he went over and reached for a pair of gloves, remembering the last time they had been here when she wasn't herself.

He watched as she struggled to loosen the velcro strap on one of her gloves, standing across the room, her back turned towards him. But she eventually succeeded, and dropped the glove on the bench next to her duffle bag.

"Andy, you don't have to leave".

His words drew a sharp look as she spun around to stare at him.

"Look I'm trying here okay, so just...". Sam's words shocked himself as they spiraled out of his mouth, she wasn't supposed to know that.

"Trying what Sam?". Her reply was cold, her words wafting out on an icy tone as she reached for her water bottle.

"Be a friend".

This time his words literally made her choke on the sip of water she had taken, causing a soft cough to sound out.

"Sam, we can never be friends".Andy said as she ripped the other gloves strap loose.

"Only because you don't want to be". Sam countered.

His words stung, but they rang out in truth. Making her want to throw something at him for being right.

So she did.

She pulled the glove off her hand and threw it at him, hitting him square in the chest, before he caught it. A smile pulling on his lips, as he contemplated throwing it back at her. He had missed her playful side, and if she was letting it out, he was more than willing to play along.

"That all you got?". He held out the glove to her, letting her decide if she wanted to accept his offer.

Andy looked between the glove and his face, his playfulness was something she had missed the most.

He was drawing her out, and she knew it, knew he was trying to get her to let out whatever she needed to at him, in person.

Watching him lift an eyebrow, she snaked her hand out and snatched her glove back, ramming her hand into it before flapping down the strap.

If he wanted it, then he was gonna get it.

Sam eyed her cautiously as they danced around the mat, she was firmer on her feet than she had been the last time, only this time he would have to be careful, she still had her stitches in her head, and she was so frail looking, and probably weak.

That was until she landed one right in the centre of his stomach.

There was no frailness and defiantly no weakness in that right hook.

So he jabbed her back, hitting her on the arm teasingly.

Before she swung again, landing another forceful blow.

She was beyond fuming, beyond pissed, but at least she could direct her anger at where it should be vented- him.

He was more than willing to happily oblige her, and indulge her whims.

Sam noted the concentration on her face as they moved around, no lost thoughts cascading through her mind, no sad memories pulling on her heartstrings, it was them here and now, she was totally absorbed and lost in this moment.

Sam's lack of his own concentration caused him to lapse on the defense, Andy swinging a shot right to the face, where she should not be aiming for in the first place, but she couldn't help herself.

Sam stared at her stunned as she stepped back, holding her hands up in apology, as her face fell in mortified horror at what she had just done.

She knew this was a bad idea when he began taunting her, knew she wouldn't be able to reign in her temper when her self control slipped.

"Sam..."

"Its okay, I deserve more than that". Sam said smiling.

She may have paled at her actions, regret seeming to wash over her face, but her fire, that came crashing through the surface.

It wasn't exactly what he had hoped for, but it was a step in the right direction, getting the defiant fire back was just a part of her anyway.

"Stop okay, this...is not working".

Andy mumbled waiving her hand between them, pulling Sam from his thoughts to see that she had already removed both her gloves, dropped them on the bench, picked up her bag and was making her way for the door.

Sam pried his gloves off too, as he called out to her to watch her still walk away.

"Andy wait...". Sam's hand grabbed her upper arm just as she stepped through the doorway, he bag's strap slipping off her shoulder as it met the floor with a heavy thud.

She turned towards the door as it came racing towards her, expecting to find it meeting her face, but instead feeling Sam's other hand reach out and steady her.

"I'm sorry". Sam whispered in her ear when she stopped moving.

Maybe the exertion was a bad idea.

Andy turned around to face Sam, the same look on his face when he kissed her in the hospital.

Sam watched her watching him, knowing what he was about to do, and not backing away.

This was a bad idea, but he couldn't help himself, the temptation too overwhelming to resist, so he leaned in, watching to see if she would pull away.

When she didn't, he closed the distance, letting his lips convey every wordless emotion he held locked away, until he felt her hands run up his chest and push him away.

Her face was tight set, not one single emotion visible as she stepped back.

"Sam...". She breathed out his name, as she tried to collect herself.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have...". Sam saw the regret sweep over her face the instant he opened his mouth.

She stepped back and lifted her hand, Sam expecting a slap in the face, as anger again washed over hers.

He would never have expected her next action, never in a million years.

When her hand met his face, her hand was clenched closed, a hiss escaping her lips as she punched him.

She pulled her hand back, clutching it in the other, a cry of pain proceeding the hiss as she let tears well up in her eyes.

Sam felt her hand collide with his face, the burning sensation suppressed by the silent curses echoing in his head at again being so incredibly stupid.

Andy spun around, snatched up her bag with her pain free hand and walked away as Sam raised a hand to rub the sting from his flesh.

Man she was vicious and really packed a lot of heat in those dainty hands.

He knew she would never have done that in the past, as the old Andy, but now that she did, he didn't blame her, after what he did, he knew he had it coming.

He contemplated chasing after her, but knew it would set off another wave of anxiety to grace her already fragile emotions.

His heart gave a flutter at the thought of her fiery side making an appearance, and even a shadow of playfulness.

Maybe all was not lost.

Maybe she wasn't too far gone to be bought back.

Sam spent most of the night tossing and turning, trying to sleep, but it was a hopeless attempt.

Finally giving up, he stumbled to the kitchen and made coffee.

His eyes roamed the room finding the clock that read four am, before they suddenly came to rest on a small object hanging next to his front door.

He had claimed his keys back from Andy, for lack of finding the right words in that moment, so instead he let the most senseless words out.

But she had never asked for hers back, and he had never offered them, so they still hung up on the wooden key holder next to his front door where she left them.

Sipping his coffee, he though back to that night.

They had drinks at the Penny and came back here, her never having slept over here, he had always been inclined to take her back to her condo, coz that way he knew that she couldn't run, and would be there in the morning when he woke up.

Until that night.

The next morning when he woke up, she was gone, no note, no call, just missing.

He was prepared to face reality when arriving at the barn for shift with her in a while, expecting her to have found a reason to run or back out.

When he left for work, he grabbed his keys from the hook that they always ended up on , on the key holder, to find a set nestled next to his.

Lifting them off the hook, he inspected the keyring, a long row of colored beads ending with a small silver butterfly at the bottom.

Clutching them tightly in his hand, he knew Andy had left them.

A rather giant leap on her part.

That was the moment that Sam got scared, the moment that he began to doubt himself, his feelings for Andy.

He knew she loved him, she had blurted it out, at the most ridiculous moment, like only she could.

He also knew a long time ago that he loved her too, he just didn't know if it would be enough.

Hit with the sudden urge to see her, Sam abandoned his coffee, went to pull on some sweats, grabbed his keys and her set before slamming his door in his haste.

He found her sound asleep in her bed, curled up, holding onto the covers as though they grounded her.

Heading for the kitchen Sam put on some coffee and made her a cup, before entering her room silently and placing it on the bedside table.

Sitting on the edge of her bed, he gently called out to her, and watched as she bolted upright, wide eyes staring at him in shock.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you, get dressed we're leaving in ten".

Sam left her bedroom, grabbing himself a coffee while he waited.

For twenty minutes.

When she still hadn't made an appearance, he stuck his head in around the corner, to find her having pulled the covers over her head and gone back to sleep.

She probably had minimal sleep during the night, and at five-thirty am he felt bad for waking her up, but he had to start somewhere.

"Mcnally, up and at 'em, let's go". Sam said pulling open the curtains that still let her room be shrouded in darkness, even though the sunrise was making an appearance in the distance.

He heard Andy mumble from under the covers, clearly unhappy about being disturbed, but he was going to do this, and that meant that so was she.

Walking back over to her bed, Sam grabbed the end of the covers and whipped them away, pulling them off her.

Andy bolted straight up to give Sam a death glare, huffing as she then flopped back down on her pillows.

"Sam, go away". Andy's tone was fierce, yet it surprised him that she didn't quite yet wonder how he managed to get in.

"you have ten minutes to get up Mcnally, next time I come in here, I wont be so polite" Sam mumbled dropping the linen at the foot of bed, letting it crash to the floor in a pile of silence.

Less than ten minutes later, Andy stumbled into the. kitchen, wiping the sleep from her eyes.

"Sam..."

"Get dressed, we're going for a run". Sam mumbled looking away from her in her tiny tank top and shorts.

Andy raised an eyebrow at his reluctance to give in.

She remembered that he still had her keys, and had never used them, and presumed he never would, so him being here was really surreal.

Sam watches her intently, watching and waiting for the colored hue to climb up her cheeks, the one he knows will remain distantly vague for now.

"What do you want?". Andy suddenly snaps, her self control escalating past the point of no return.

Sam wants to say one short lettered word in reply to the harsh question, but he knows that it would be wrong, knows that he can't utter such words no matter how much his heart screams at his brain to let them out.

"Mcn...Andy, your co-operation would be nice to start with". Sam hears the words as his brain recovers from its momentary lapse in judgment.

"Really". Andy's cheeky, defiant side made its presence know as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"You're in a bad place, okay, I'm trying, really trying here, to be a friend, so you need to give me a break okay? I just want to help you, coz whatever happened while you were gone...".

Sam cursed himself as his intentions let themselves be know.

"Sam, I don't need a friend, I've got enough, and nothing happened, I did something...".

Andy's eyes nearly popped out their eye sockets as she let the words storm out to see Sam raise an eyebrow in curiosity.

He always had the way of dragging her deepest, darkest secrets out of her, only thing was, he wasn't even really trying now.

"Get dressed, we don't have forever". Sam said, letting the conversation stall dead in its tracks, he was making progress, but pushing his luck, that could just make her clam up and withdraw back into her shell.

*****okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .͡▹

Have an awesome day!

Jelly Bean Jenna©


	7. Catch My Breath

**Thanks for taking the time to read & review, they make my day, so please keep them coming!**

**Thanks to Kelly2727 & the regulars & welcome to the newbies!**

**I had fun writing this chapter, so let's see what you think...**

**Chapter 7- Catch my breath. **

**The next few days followed much the same. **

**Sam would arrive at Andy's between five and five-thirty to go for a run, letting himself in with her keys, that she still had not asked to be given back. **

**They had never really done this when they were a couple, but Sam looked forward to each morning run with her, the few minutes of his day that he could spend wrapped in her company. **

**She didn't talk much when they did run. **

**She still elected to be quiet and distant, a trait he came to see now formed a firm part of who she had become. **

**He would watch her, pushing her limits, determination heavy set across her face as her feet pounded the tarmack. **

**Her eyes always cast forwards, her eyelids dipping low, never would they waiver and look in his direction. **

**By the third morning when Sam opened the door, he smelt the aroma of freshly brewed coffee, Andy standing in the kitchen, already dressed in her sweats, ready to go. **

**That kinda threw him for a loop, he was used to having to wake her and wait patiently for her to get ready. If he was lucky that would be around six to six-fifteen. **

**She seemed much more relaxed, her entire demeanor having shifted to a more relaxed persona. **

**When Sam would leave her, to brace the day at work, he would longingly say goodbye at her front door, before weaving away, leaving a confused Andy watching him walk away. **

**As the days ticked by, Sam counted them down, to the day he would leave. **

**His departure still a closely gaurded secret. **

**Still wracking his brain for a way to say goodbye, to let her go, he kept coming up empty. Nothing he could do or say, would be enough. **

**He knew he was letting himself get more and more attached everyday, but he couldn't break free from his need to get her out of her listlessness. **

**He would notice the content look that crossed her face every morning when he stepped through the door, the way she would avoid looking in his direction, or avoid looking at him even though he could see she knew he was watching her. **

**There were two days left before Andy would be back at work, the doctor having cleared her for duty, and that meant that there were only nine days left for Sam to break through the walls that Andy had erected to keep everyone out, including him. **

**The day before Andy was due back at work, Sam skipped his usual morning run with her, leaving her to sleep, simply because even though she looked better, the dark circles under her eyes diminishing, but not yet completely disappearing, he knew she would need it when she was back on patrol. **

**She had picked up a little weight, Sam noticing in all the right places, but she still had a way to go. **

**The only thing that remained totally elusive was that smile that made him melt, and that hint of color that would flush her cheeks before making his heart burst. **

**He had tried, really tried to find it within her, getting in her personal space, leaning in a little too close when he asked her something to which she could only nod a yes or no, coz her need to talk also seemed far away from its usual need to babble, but whatever he tried, he felt like he was failing. **

**There was no response from her other than how he would see her tense up when he was too close, or how she would break out in goosebumps and shudder, he just could not vanquish the thoughts that told him it was not a good thing, or banish the hope that there was the slightest positively in her reactions. **

**The morning that Andy returned to duty, Sam watched as she came barreling through the barn doors, an annoyed look on her face. **

**She stopped outside his office window, giving him a look that could kill before stalking towards the locker room. **

**His reason for not showing up for a run this morning too- he was setting himself up for the worst fall of his life, and did not want to cause her any more anything other than happiness. **

**He was way past the level of attached, he was getting too comfortable in their growing routine, missing her way too much when he had to leave her for another twenty hours. **

**His feelings had increased rapidly over the last few days, although they had always been there, they just seemed to intensify now. **

**He had still been trying to call Sarah, her still avoiding him like the plague. Only now he wanted to know if she though he was doing the right thing by leaving, if she thought Andy would one day understand, even though she didn't even know Andy. **

**He needed to put some distance between himself and Andy, and he knew that severing all ties was the wrong way to do it, he couldn't help himself, his self preservation kicked in the minute his heart went into hyper-drive, and his body acted accordingly. **

**He saw the hurt mar her eyes before she tore them away as she abruptly turned, and he knew that he had been wrong to let her in because from the look on her face, her walls had crumbled and fallen, and she had let him in, even if only a fraction of the way, and without knowing it herself. **

**Until he didn't bother to show up. **

**Lost in his thoughts, he notices the bullpen clear, signaling the start of parade, which he had almost let slip by caught up in another Mcnally induced daydream. **

**He found the back of her head, her hair bundled high in a ponytail as she sat at the corner desk, closest to the isle. **

**He watched as she seemed to absorb instructions and updates before Frank dismissed them. **

**She remained seated a little too long, as though she wasn't suddenly focused, before Collins went over and whispered in her ear, his eyes focused sternly on Sam, who found himself hanging back while the room emptied. **

**Not a good idea Sammy, the white angel on his shoulder scowled in his ear as he pushed off the edge of the desk his ass had comfortably taken residance up on. **

**Andy shook her head as Collin's moved his lips, her posture stiff as she finally stood up, before Sam noticed that the room was entirely empty, except for them. **

**Collins walked out the room, giving Sam a nod as he passed, earning one in return. **

**Andy tucked her eyes under her fringe as she tried to pass Sam finding his arm blocking the doorway. **

**She wasn't expecting that he would actually stop her. **

**Her head whipped up, a dangerous look playing on her face as she dared him to try stop her from passing again as she stepped forward to find his hand still pressed against the doorframe. **

**"Andy..."**

**"No Sam...no okay?". **

**"Andy let me explain?". **

**Andy bounced from foot to foot her temperament becoming subtly hard. **

**Taking advantage of Andy's silence, Sam took a deep breath before clearing his head and trying to say what he meant, this time without having a colossal screw up proceed his words. **

**"Andy, this...is hard okay, I'm trying to be a friend here, but you keep shutting me out, and the more I try, the harder it gets, coz I... Don't know how to be friends with you, I don't know if I'm capable of being friends with you...". **

**Sam cut his words off as he saw rejection flow through her as she let her eyes meet his. **

**He saw the familiar signs of the hurt cross over the telltale signs of tears as they formed, her eyes failing miserably to blink them away. **

**In a split second she was gone, a brush of cool air crossing his forearm as she ducked under it and fled. **

**Sam's brain kicked in instantly, he spun around to see her making her way through the bullpen, a number of curious eyes following her movements before settling on Sam as he called out to her to wait, then to stop, then just her name. **

**She kept moving, dodging eyes by casting her face down, narrowly missing tables, chairs and still standing bodies as she tried to flee. **

**Sam caught up with her, ignoring the stares from everyone, to grab her by the hand before spinning her around to face him. **

**Abuptly halting her forward fleeing movements. **

**Her face in that instant left Sam speechless. **

**The look on her face when he screwed up by leaving her outside the Penny was nothing compared to what he saw adorn her soft features now. **

**His heart broke in that instant, understanding what he had finally done to her, seeing what he knew was underlying the hard exterior she tried to keep up. **

**Sam froze, still clutching her hand, the world around him fading away, the only thing he could see was her. **

**Andy tried to pull her hand free, taking a step back, but Sam closed his fingers around it a little tighter, not allowing her to get the freedom she so desperately desired. **

**"Let go Sam". Andy hissed under her breath, well aware of her current state, and the fact that every set of eyes in the vicinity were watching them. **

**"I don't expect you to want to be friends Sam, I just don't expect you to start something and then leave me hanging...". Andy leaned forwards just a little to whisper her heated words. **

**Sam was at a total loss for words, this was not the way it was meant to go, it was meant to go that he told her that it was too hard to be friends because he could never be just a friend when it came to her. **

**With her, he wanted it all, but it was not possible, and he wanted her to know that, and he wanted to show her that before he left. Because he knew it would be hard for her when he left this time, because this time he had the feeling that if he left, it would be forever. **

**Sam lifted his free hand, letting it rest on her cheek, her head tiled down again as if she was afraid to see truth behind his words. **

**Tilting her head up, he was reminded of the time she got shot at SuperNova, and he had her behind the communications van to see if she was really okay, the action was similar, but the relief that flooded her eyes that day was missing. **

**Still not having a clue as what to say, Sam pulled her hand roughly, causing Andy to stumble forwards, just as he let go of her hand, and moved his now free hand to cup the other side of her face. **

**He didn't care that they were now standing in full view of every set of eyes in fifteen division, that they were staring with bated breath, waiting to see the Mcnally/Swarek show down, that they were waiting to see the explosion from either one of them that had been anticipated since Jerry's death, and things between them had become tense. **

**The only thing that Sam cared about right now was getting Andy to understand exactly how he felt, exactly what he wanted more than anything, and that he wanted her back to his Andy. **

**So he kissed her. **

**He just pulled her face in close enough and let his lips claim hers with more passion than he had ever thought possible. He let every fiber of feeling he could scrape together flow into that one single moment, every sorry he had ever wanted to say, everytime he had wanted to tell her how irrevocably in love with her he was, everytime he missed her and didn't tell her, everytime he was angry or fearful about her, her safety, just everything was poured into that single action. **

**Sam couldn't tell you if a single sound echoed through the room, he couldn't even tell you who was in the room at that moment, his entire world shutting down for a fraction of eternity. **

**Sam pulled his lips away from Andy's as suddenly as they had found hers, before pulling her close enough to whisper in her ear. **

**"That is why I'm incapable of being friends". **

**Sam moved away to see Andy's face, to see what reaction his actions would get. **

**The sight made Sam's grin appear, dimples flashing just a little as he leaned in and kissed her forehead before dropping his hands and side stepping her and leaving the barn. **

**He had never seen Andy blush as furiously as she did when he finally looked at her. **

**Although he was cursing his stupidity again as he walked out the doors, his heart was leaping in his rib cage, partly from the heated moment they had momentarily gotten lost in, but also in satisfaction, the fact that she had been a rather willing participant and reciprocated even if it was only a slight, subtle response. But most of all because, when he looked at her, it wasn't just the pink hue that tinted her cheeks that had miraculously returned, but it was the smile in her eyes that seemed to set off a spark that flickered through them until his gaze broke from hers. **

**Andy was left a little breathless when Sam backed away and walked off. **

**She had never in her entire life been kissed like that, not even by him. **

**Not only was she now breathless, but she felt the exhilaration and adrenaline curse through her as her heart rate still seemed to escalate of it own accord. **

**She blinked rapidly a few times to clear up the stars that literally swam in her vision, while her face still had a warm tint to it. Every fiber of every nerve ending in her body was engulfed in a weightless feeling of tingles as every single hair stood up over the rash of goosebumps that took over her skin. **

**Had he really just done that, or was it a figment of her imagination? **

**Whipping her eyes around the room, she saw the smirk on Oliver's face, the lopsided grin of Noelle, Nick looking everywhere but her, Dov and Chris had their mouths hanging open and Traci had her arms crossed over her chest, a wide grin spread across her lips. **

**There was no doubt in her mind, he had actually, really, and oh so literally just kissed her senseless in front of the entire fifteen division. **

**She was stunned by the fact that even though she should, she had absolutely no urge to run after him right now, besides the fact that her legs felt like jelly, and probably wouldn't carry her if she attempted to move. **

**So she stood there, a bewildered look on her face as everyone watched for her reaction. **

**Nick finally looked at her, like really looked at her, and closed his eyes to resemble slits. **

**She stared back, accepting his challenge to chase after Sam, when he willed her to do it, but she issued one of her own by looking towards Gail, who made a sudden appearance to mumble a "Did she fall over or sprout a head I can't see?" At seeing everyone's attention focused on Andy. **

**Nick defied Andy's challenge by bowing his head, silently signaling that the round went to her. **

**Frank's sudden booming voice sent bodies scattering as he opened his office door to yell "Am I missing something or are the bad guys on vacation today?" As he stepped up to the railing, pulling everyone back in cop mode. **

**Sam surveyed the menu, not actually taking in the words his eyes tried to filter through to his brain. **

**He was still somewhere between eden, or nirvana, or just heated bliss and reality, when the thought of his actions suddenly made life a whole lot harder. **

**"You know that was stupid right?". **

**Sam dropped the menu to see Oliver peering at him from across the table, having helped himself to a seat at the table. **

**"And why is that?". Sam countered, lifting an eyebrow. **

**"Brother, just coz I wasn't a part of that conversation, doesn't mean I don't know". **

**Crap! **

**"Sarah?". **

**"Noelle". Oliver replied motioning for a coffee from the waitress. **

**"Do you have any idea what that's gonna do to her? She's gonna blame herself, and you're gonna be gone". Oliver had never really been one to enforce an altercation, but this was one he was ready to set up and carry through. **

**"Look it was me or her, so I told Sally I would..."**

**"Sally?". Oliver nearly jumped over the table when Sam dropped her name. **

**"Yeah, so its me or Andy, and you know what, this time its gonna be me, she won't make another one". Sam tried to keep his voice level, resist the anger and hurt that wanted to reappear. **

**"I know, especially after..."**

**Oliver let the deliberate slip tumble out knowing Sam would take the bait. **

**"After?". **

**And right on cue. **

**"What do you know about what happened?". Oliver was biting back his smirk, until the sadness crept in. **

**"Nothing happened, I asked Collins, he said nothing happened, did something happen?". Sam's blood ran cold at the idea of something having happened and he was about to hear the truth. **

**"Well he didn't lie, Mcn...Andy...did something?". **

**Oliver watched as Sam stared at him, willing him to stop the conversation there and live to tell about it. **

**"Sammy, she shot and killed someone, I dunno the details, I just think its why she's...like this". **

**Sam wasn't expecting that as the thing that held her down. **

**He remembered how badly she had taken the last time she shot and killed someone, and that was not well at all. **

**"Who?". **

**"I dunno, but I think she blames herself for the others too, she was dealing, and a kid bought some bad blow from her, OD'd in an alley. Collins found him a couple hours later. The two other vic's were UC, but she doesn't know that, at least she didn't then, I think she thinks its their fault that they were taken out too". **

**Sam let the words rumble through his mind, there was no way that she wouldn't blame herself for them all. **

**Even if it wasn't her fault, she just valued human life too much, and saw the goodness in every living soul to believe that any lifelight touched by her before being extinguished, would not be her fault. **

**"If you're gonna do this, you need to stay away Sammy, no matter how hard it is, or how much you can't, you need to coz you're gonna unintentionally do what you did the last time, but this time I don't think she'll come back. If you love her, you gotta let her go". **

**Sam sighed, Oliver was right. **

**"Nice eyeshadow, by the way". Oliver smirked motioning to the light blue hue on his eye, near his cheek where Andy had let her vengeful fist land. **

**Sam just raised an eyebrow, daring Oliver to say another word. **

**If he was going to give her up, he first had to find her and talk to her, if he could break the last of her crumbling walls down, she would have a chance. **

**A chance to be herself. **

**Andy had regained a feint amount of self control by the time she climbed in the passenger seat of car 1531, with Nick taking the drivers seat. **

**"Do not say a word". Andy warned, as she kept the fleeting feeling of her indescribable high as long as she could. **

**"Andy... You know you need to tell him, he's gonna find out, and when he does its gonna be harder coz it didn't come from you". **

**Andy first thought that Sam knew the truth, knew what she had done, when he said he couldn't be friends. She assumed that it was his way of letting her down gently, his way of telling her he knew. **

**But that was far from what he was actually saying. **

**She felt her cheeks warm a little as the memory of the most passionate, exhilarating, earth shattering kiss she had ever had flooded back, before Nicks words echoed through her mind, causing her to fall for her high, fall before crashing and burning. **

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .͡▹**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna© **


	8. The Last Goodbye

Thanks for all you're awesome reviews! They really make my day!

So here comes the reason Andy is the way she is, let's see if anyone had this thought cross their mind?

A/N; Enjoy!

Thanks to all the regulars & Kelly2727, and to the newbies- welcome to my world!

Chapter 8- The Last Goodbye.

Sam had contemplated calling Andy, then decided against it. He wondered if they would stop at the diner down the road for lunch, and he could show up, but decided against that too.

Distracting her more than she probably already was, while on patrol was a bad idea.

She already attracted trouble like a magnet, and probably didn't have her head screwed on straight after his little stunt.

Maybe Sarah...

Another thing gone wrong in his life.

His relationship with Sarah had always been on the up and up, well except for the full unabridged version of what actually happen undercover.

He had kept on calling, and even started leaving voicemail's, each one going unanswered.

He knew he should go back to St Catherines and talk to her, but he wasn't too sure that it would go any better than his last visit had.

But he still had to apologize.

He called the florist in St Catherines and had three dozen yellow roses sent to Sarah, the flowers of apology.

She had once told him that, so he knew she would understand.

He checked his watch for the umpteenth time in the last fifteen minutes. He had decided to wait until Andy was off shift, before going to see her. He'd been parked outside her condo for the last twenty minutes, letting his brain come up with a good reason to voice for his presence here.

And she was running late.

His anxiousness was only outweighed by the fact that he knew he was looking for trouble, by even coming here, but he had to let her know...in some way that he was saying goodbye.

After this, it had to be done, over, he couldn't come back, he had to try and sever all ties.

He'd spent a large portion of the day after seeing Oliver, weighing up the pros and cons of seeing Andy again.

She had told him that she never expected him to start something, and then just leave her hanging, so that, those words hissed out on flames of hurt, those were the deciding factor, the reason he was here.

He was hell bent on letting her know the rest of the half spoken truth he had so freely desplayed at the barn, only this time he might actually use the words, instead of the actions.

This was his last goodbye, after this he would not go see her, not call her, just become a recluse at the hiding place that happened to fall in his lap thanks to Oliver.

It was the only way he figured to keep her away, if she came looking for him and couldn't find him, it would be cruel, but you need to be cruel to be kind.

He had a week to get through before he was leaving, he had to make sure that she knew the truth, at least about how he felt.

If she had to find out that he was leaving in her place, she would probably assume that he thought she wasn't good enough to hack it UC, or that she just plain sucked at being a cop.

That was so far from the truth that she wouldn't know it if it bit her in the ass, the only reason he was doing this was, well he loved her too much to kill her that slowly and painfully.

His heart cracked and splintered as he saw Traci drive up and drop Andy off before watching her walk inside.

He was right back where he started, the first time he realized that he had fallen for Andy, and fallen hard.

Back then she was untouchable, because she was Callaghan's, now even after their history, she was still untouchable because it was the only way to guarantee that she would be left in better shape than the last time he had been such an ass.

She was untouchable now because she was forbidden, he was growing more and more attached to being around her, and when she wasn't with him, he missed her, he found himself loosing sight of the reason he left her in the first place, and right now needed to put some space between them, and a lot of it, before he couldn't let her go.

Because he had too.

Less than three minutes later, Sam found his hand softly rapping on her door, to find her staring at him when she swung it open.

Any signs of the flustered Andy he had last seen before leaving the barn, had been lost through the course of the day, now it was the new Andy Mcnally staring back at him from behind the wooden door.

The one with the pale face and the wide, dead eyes.

"Um... Can we talk?".

Andy eyed him a while longer before stepping aside and letting him in.

She closed the door a little louder than was probably necessary, but at least it was closed.

"Sam, I...".

Sam looked up at her, his hands firmly shoved in his pockets to keep them from reaching out to her, as he cut her sentence short by one of his own.

"Stop Andy, I came to say I'm sorry for earlier. It shouldn't have happened again, it _can't_ happen again". Sam was searching for words, and he knew she knew it too.

"So this is another 'leave Andy standing in the rain at the Penny?'". Andy suddenly snapped as she let her eyes bore into his, a flicker of her Mcnally fire showing itself.

"Andy, you know I didn't mean it, I told you I was sorry, and I told you I lo...".

"Don't Sam, don't you dare say it!". She practically screamed at him, causing his determination to slip for a second.

"Andy, do you remember Stella and Wyatt, the kid that ended up with Oliver's shotgun, that shot up the school? Remember what you said to me? You said we're too different, and I said we'll deal with it? That was me dealing with it. That night you fell sleep in my lap, and the only thing that ran through my mind was that you wanted out, you needed an out, so I gave you one, at the worst time, but I gave you an out".

Sam felt his voice raise as she dragged the truth out of him, without even trying.

"So you decided to run away from me rather than to see me run away from you?". Andy was searching for a little clarity, but finding none.

"Yeah, something like that. You were getting too close okay, sometimes I hold on a little tight coz I don't want you to get hurt. But I was wrong, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of this...but I can't do this anymore. I've tried to be a friend, I ...".

"I thought we shouldn't be friends." Andy threw his words back, hoping to graze him back with them, and let them sting him the way they had stung her.

"I said we shouldn't be friends, not that I didn't want to be."

Sam countered, that was after all what he said before he gave in to temptation and kissed her senseless, trying to make her understand.

"I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore."

Sam's voice sounded far from the strong assured one he used a second ago, this time he sounded raggedly unlike Sam at all, and so far away.

Andy stared at him, then she began shaking her head, not wanting to hear anything he had to say after saying that.

"Sam...you feel that now, but it'll change, it'll become something you don't want it to be...".

"Nope, not gonna happen". Sam was shaking his head in return as he took a small step towards her.

"It will, trust me, when you know what I did, anything you have ever felt will wither and die, until all that's left is a hatred so strong that the sight of me will make you sick". Andy choked the words out, as her eyes began to fill with tears.

"Nothing you say or do, will ever make me feel that way, no matter what you think, nothing. Ever! Talk to me Andy, I know you shot and killed someone, I just don't know why its so hard on you. Its the reason you're having nightmares isn't it?".

Andy sniffed, darting her eyes away from his as he stepped forwards, his tone softening drastically, it was almost pleading.

Still standing just inside the doorway, Andy wrapped her arms around her middle, as the memories plunged through her mind.

She so badly wanted to tell him, so badly wanted to set herself free.

It was as though him being here and the words he was whispering were contradicting eachother, maybe finally telling him the truth, would help him firm up his desire to need something to use as leverage to widen the wedge between them.

"Bobby suspected someone was skimming some of his product... so he sent us to a warehouse, he set us up. The other couple were UC, but we didn't know, their...their handler was there, they were supposed to meet up, and when we got there this guy went crazy, he was yelling and waving a gun around. Nick pulled his...and,... and told him to drop it, when another guy came storming in...he was yelling in french and we didn't understand him. The first guy, got spooked and fired a shot at Nick, it grazed his leg, he dropped his gun. So I picked it up, and the french guy was still yelling...and freaking out... when the first guy pulled the trigger again. The lights were bad, they were standing in a really dark spot...so I couldn't really see...the french guy stepped forwards as I fired the first shot, he was in the light then. I...saw his face then...after I fired a second time.. The first guy ran out the door, yelling, I think he was on the phone, and then Nick was calling me. We went over to the guy I shot, and you know what he said? He said, 'You're even more beautiful than your photo, Sammy did good'. I hit him in the chest, there was blood everywhere, just so much blood, I...I tried to stop the bleeding, but he bled out, it happened so...fast. I was crying, and Nick was yelling. Then Bobby was there, and Luke came in. And I could just stare at his face. Luke told Bobby the guy was a dealer from somewhere and that he was tailing him, when he attacked Nick, so I shot him, in self defense. But he was a cop Sam. He was UC, a handler".

Andy was crying now, some of her words fading in a sob before she started again.

Sam's heart broke for her, she had claimed a life, and this time it was one of the good guys.

"Andy, it happens". Sam said stepping towards her, every intention of wrapping her up in a tight embrace until her sobs subsided.

"You couldn't have known..."

"I should have, when I saw his face. You look just like him...".

"Like who?".

Andy lost Sam, he had no idea who she was talking about.

"You're Dad Sam...he was the cop I shot and killed".

*****okay, so the cats out the bag, what do you think of that idea?

Thanks for reading!

Hope there is a little understanding now as to why Andy has been so lost?

Hope you'll leave another one of you're awesome reviews!

Have an awesome day!

Jelly Bean Jenna©


	9. Distorted Memories

As always I loved the reviews on the last chapter, so glad it was a real shocker!

As always thanks for reading & reviewing, & a huge thank you to Kelly2727 & all my regulars, you guys are awesome!

If you're new to my world, welcome!

Chapter 9- Distorted memories

Andy closed her eyes and waited for the Swarek rage to ensue, but it never followed.

The room was encased in silence, before Andy felt Sam's hand pull on hers, the one that she had in her mouth, rather than chewing on her lip, she chose her finger.

"Andy, my dad died in jail like twenty years ago, whoever that was, it wasn't him". Sam's voice was barely a whisper, but it held a slight tinge of amusement at her theory.

Yanking her hand back, Andy moved in faltering strides into her bedroom, before coming back with a brown file, before hesitantly holding it out to Sam to take.

The file wavered in the air, her trembling hand making it waft aimlessly around in the air, drawing random patterns.

As Sam put his hand out to take the file, Andy watched a Swarek mask slip over his face, the one where it was neutral, his face expressionless and void of any emotion.

He knew that if she was holding a file, then there was some truth to her words.

Ripping the file back towards her, Andy watched as Sam looked up at her, his eyes changing from the deep brown they were to a penetrating black.

"Before...before I give you this, I need to tell you what's not in here".

Andy's voice was breaking, but she needed to do this.

She waited for Sam to nod before continuing.

"He...he was UC when you and Sarah were still kids, placed as a family. He um...locked a lot of guys up, and one of those guys,...the kids that attacked Sarah, it was an instruction, to warn him off. After that he went back under, to jail where they set it up to look like he was knifed and died, so you guys could be safe. I...um tracked down his partner from back then, his details are in here too, if you, you know... Sam I'm so sorry, I didn't know...".

Andy flung the file towards him, a flurry of papers flying out in a billowing cloud as she left the room, this time her tears far from the silent one she had cried in the past.

Sam wiped the papers up off the floor, shoving them back into the file before dumping it on the couch and walking to Andy's bedroom where he found her door locked, her hidden away inside.

"Andy...". Sam knocked on the door, his knuckles gently making contact with the wood.

She didn't respond, silence lingering on either side of the door.

"Please...just..."

Sam had no idea what he wanted her to do, or say, why he was even saying please. It just came out.

"Andy, I'm gonna go, can...can I um...com...call you later?".

Sam eventually had his head resting against the door as he spoke to her through the solid barrier.

He wasn't quite sure what he was feeling right now, but he could only imagine how she must have felt, carrying this around with her.

Sam waited for a reply, receiving nothing in return, before grabbing the file and leaving Andy's condo.

Andy heard him leave, this time his voice failing to find words as he tried to say goodbye.

If and when he called later, she wouldn't take the call. Her heart would not handle going the familiar motions of being ripped out when he started blaming her for killing his father, just like he had started blaming her for Jerry.

Sam found his way home, before racing up the stairs on the deck, slantering through the door, and throwing the file down on the coffee table in the lounge, where he watched it glide over the smooth surface of the wood before coming to rest just short of sliding over the edge and crashing onto the rug.

Grabbing a beer Sam sat down on the couch before opening the file to stare blankly at the paperwork inside.

This was just so wrong on so many different levels that his mind couldn't even wrap itself around it.

Flipping the file closed, he picked it up before abandoning his beer and grabbing his keys.

Sarah had a right to know too, and if he was gonna do this, he should do it with her.

Making the two hour drive in an hour and forty minutes, the apprehension of the welcome he was about to receive was border line manic depressive.

Pulling up in Sarah's driveway a little after ten pm, Sam wasn't surprised to find some lights still burning. She was so very much like him, more of a nocturnal being, and thrived on minimal sleep.

Sam knocked and found Damian opening the door seconds later, a half eaten slice of pizza hanging out his mouth.

"Mom is so gonna kill you right now". The tall teen beamed with a mischievous grin.

Sam smiled at Damian's humor, it was the typical dry Swarek humor they all had.

"Sammy...". Sarah greeted from the doorway when Sam finally stepped in.

"Can we...talk?".

Sarah's face fell, her sense of danger being warned that something was wrong.

Sam sat next to her, this time they claimed seats in the lounge, instead of on the swing.

"What did dad do far a living before...". Sam watched Sarah's reactions carefully, scrutinizing every movement and expression.

"Sammy, he fixed cars, you know that". Sarah's face held clear confusion, if their dad was a cop, she didn't know it either.

"Why?". Sarah was eyeing the file still clutched in his hand, resting on his leg.

Sam handed her the file, let her open and page through it at her own pace, he had pulled over for a coffee earlier and ended up reading the file on his way over here.

Sarah's face was graced with many emotions, all at the same time, causing Sam to feel a twinge of sorrow for her.

She really is an amazing person, strong, sharp, witty.

"Sam, I had no idea...". Sarah said when she had finished reading the file.

"How'd you find this all out, now?".

There was the single question Sam had been dreading, but the entire time he knew this, he knew that question was gonna come up, and he would have to answer it.

"He, was a handler, did mostly UC's until he was promoted. He was working a case, and things went south...".

Okay Sam, deep breaths, his mind mumbled to himself.

"Do they do that often? Go south?". Sarah shocked him with that question, she always shut down this kind of conversation even before it started.

"Its complicated, it can, but not always. More times you step over the lines, break the rules...".

"Have you ever? You know, crossed the line, broken the rules?". Sam watched as Sarah braced for his answer.

"Um... A couple times".

"How?". Wow, she really wanted to know.

"The loneliness of long UC's begins to eat away at you, from the inside, slowly nibbling away at all logical reasoning when it comes to the lines drawn, when it comes to the kind of company you keep.

You feel lost, empty, and sometimes you loose the will to still want to be there, you want to give up, you want to run away, run home, but you can't so you don't. You stay and find different ways of coping with the lack of conversation.

Sometimes lines are crossed, sometimes you unknowingly step over them. Sometimes you have to, to stay alive. Other times you willingly walk over them to see what's on the other side, and sometimes you just don't care anymore, the lines become hazy before they fade away, but in the back of you're mind, there's always some kind of rational reasoning that you're doing the wrong thing, those voices that trained you whisper their warnings in you're mind, like they did when you were warned about things like this happening, but you just don't listen.

Sometimes, its just because you need the comfort, you want to feel something, anything, even if it's going to be a little disappointment in yourself for breaking the rules.

The rules….sometimes they're meant to be broken, and sometimes they're not, but you don't care, you're past caring at that stage, and all you want is the companionship, sometimes you just wanna talk to someone you know, sometimes you wanna just hear a familiar voice, feel a familiar touch, smell that familiar scent, and when you're really desperate you don't even care if it's a stranger, you just need to extinguish that need".

Sarah watched Sam staring off into space as he spoke, his mind occupied by thoughts hidden from her.

"Did she...um cross a line while she was gone?".

Sam instantaneously focused back on Sarah as her words drifted through the Mcnally induced haze he was caught up in.

"What's that supposed to mean?". Sam couldn't believe that Sarah wanted to have an in depth conversation about UC, then turned it to the topic of Andy in one single breath.

"Sam, she didn't go alone did she? Did she cross a line, that's what's holding you back isn't it? She crossed a line and you can't forgive her for it".

"Sarah, stop, I'm not here to talk about me or her okay. I'm here because of him". Sam pointed to the file still clutched in her hand.

"How many times did you cross a line Sam?". Sam rolled his eyes, she was just relentless.

"Three okay, three times". Sam answered in a growl knowing she wouldn't give up until she knew the exact number.

"How?".

"Once when I got a little too attached to the free samples, and twice...with her".

There it was out in the open.

"Twice? Sam, seriously?".

That was not what he expected her to focus on, nope the fact that he was hooked on a little fairy dust didn't seem to bug her, no, hooking up with Andy while he was UC, that was her focus point.

"What? I tell you I got a little addicted to an illegal substance and that's what you have to say?".

"Sammy, getting hooked doesn't require an addiction".

Sarah was wise, beyond her years, but still drifting off the subject.

"Sarah, I'm trying to tell you something okay, will you just stop and listen?".

Sarah nodded.

"Things went south with his UC, they set up Andy and her partner, and they ended up running into him and his partner, his partner took a shot at Collins, Andy's partner, so she shot back. Sarah she shot and killed him. She didn't know, she couldn't have known, but before he...before he bled out, he told her that she's more beautiful than her photograph, and that I did good, so I think he's been around watching all these years".

Sam's words spilled into silence as he waited for Sarah to either fly off the handle or have a panic attack. But she sat frozen staring at him.

"Wow" she whispered out on a sighed breath.

"Is she...is she okay? That's what made her lose herself isn't it? She knew after it happened. Don't tell me you hold it against her Sam...".

"I don't, I couldn't ever. She's just, she can't let it go, she inconsolable now, she told me, and then she shut me out completely, she won't even talk to me, but its better, I'm leaving in a week so...".

"Are you kidding me? Are you seriously gonna sit there and tell me that dad traded his family to keep them safe, and let us lose everything, to do his job, which got him killed, and you're gonna do the same thing? Are you insane?". Sarah was screeching again, her temper lighting up, fueled on by his exclamation.

"Sarah, if you knew her, and you saw her now you'd understand". Sam all but yelled back.

"And who's fault is that Sam? Not mine, yours, entirely you're own".

"I know, but there is no other option, this is the only one there is, the only one I have".

"No Sam, there are always other options, there is always a way out, you've told me a million times, so you need to find it okay?".

"Sarah, you don't get it, if I don't go, Sally will take her. If Sally takes her, she's never coming back, not until the day they ship her body home in a casket or a body bag. She's already gone, there is no more feistyness, no more spark, no more anything. She's already dead inside, and letting her go, to do that to herself, I would rather put myself between her and that, than let her go and know I could have stopped it, stopped her".

Sam watched as Sarah's heart melted at his words.

She had never seen him this adamant about anything, but seeing him feeling this strongly for someone other than her, that just broke her heart.

"Is she really worth it Sammy, that you would trade your life, your job, even me, is she really worth all that?".

Sam met Sarah's heated gaze, her heartache evident in her eyes as they filled with sadness.

"Sarah, no one will ever replace you, ever and you know up until now you and the boys have been my life, but as for the rest of it, yeah she's worth it. All of it. I would trade my life if it meant saving hers". As soon as the words were out, Sam regretted them. They would break Sarah, but it was how he felt, what he was prepared to do.

"Then why are you giving it up? Giving her up? If she's worth that, then fight for her. Is your eye blue?".

Her question made Sam smile at the memory.

"Yeah, I um... We had a little disagreement, I kissed her and she kinda retaliated with a fist". Sam let out a light chuckle at the funny face Sarah started pulling.

"It was the second time I did that, so she was right to..."

Sam's nervous and embarrassed demeanor made Sarah let out a giggle.

"She sounds like something else". She huffed breathlessly.

"She is".

"So why then Sam? Have you told her?". Sarah watched as Sam shook his head, almost to the point of violently.

"Sam..."

"No Sarah, she can't know until I'm gone. She's already gonna think its her, or this, that's why she can't know I'm going until I'm gone. Oliver and the others will look out for her. I sorta went there to say my goodbye, and she dropped this on me, I just can't do it anymore, its like I'm leaving a piece of me behind with her everytime I walk away, but this time I'm not gonna get the chance to fix it, or take it back. This time its gonna be the last goodbye, coz this time its forever".

Sam heard the sadness close in on his voice as his eyes filled with sadness, causing Sarah's to cloud over in tears.

She'd never seen Sam like this, and never this broken up over a woman.

He'd had his fair share of girlfriends in the past, even brought some of them home to meet her.

But never Andy.

For some reason, Sam was reluctant to bring her home, he kept her sheltered from the Swarek household and that was the first clue that Sarah had that he was in way over his head.

"So that was you're goodbye? That's how you're gonna leave it, Sam that's unfair to her and you know it"

"I know". That was one of the few things he knew anymore.

"Sam just remember one thing, as far as we knew, dad was a motor mechanic who went to jail and died there. He would've been sixty...three now, and this is how we find out that he was a cop, that he still watched us grow up, and our lives. You're becoming a man you didn't even know coz you're about to do the same thing, and leave what you love behind. We had it tough growing up, but we were happy, the question I have for you is, was he?".

Sarah scooted closer, resting her head on his shoulder as she spoke. Sam looked down at her, knowing again that she was right.

"Night Sammy, and bye, coz I hope you will be gone by the time I'm up". Sarah turned to face him, raising an eyebrow in similar fashion to how he would, he subtle hint of go get her not being missed.

Long after Sarah went to bed, Sam sat awake. He moved out to the back deck and took a seat on the swing, his mind a collage of images.

His heart went out to Andy for what she had been through, what she had carried around in her, the way it had scarred her.

She had scarred him too, only the wound she left would forever stay open and bleeding on his heart.

Her scars would heal in time, become less of a burden to carry, whereas his would be there as long as she breathed and he was not right there with her.

She scarred him in a good way, making him believe that there really was happiness out there, in a world filled with cruelty and hatred.

She proved to him everyday that he was capable of feeling, something more than emptiness.

With her he felt everything.

Sarah stuck her head into the guest room as soon as she wiped the sleep from her eyes, to find the room empty and the bed made.

Sam left a note on the fridge that simply read- love you guys.

She only hoped that it was not his last goodbye to them before he left.

Sam took the keys from the outstretched hand, with a nod of thanks.

He had decided to take up the offer, rather than stay at his own house just incase she came looking for him.

He would sever all ties, no matter how hard it was, because life was hard.

"You sure about this?".

The outstretched hand took hold of the envelope as soon as they keys were removed from them.

"Yeah, you were right. Make sure Frank gets that, he needs it in writing". Sam looked around the lounge just to make sure he had everything.

Letting his eyes sweep over the room, he felt the weight of reality pull on him.

His heart hit the floor in silence, no loud thud reverberating through the room as it crashed to the floor.

This was the last time he'd be here, in his house.

This was the last time he'd be home.

Even though he had a week before he left, he chose to hide away before he couldn't let go.

Even now, this was one of the hardest choices he'd ever had to make.

Taking her place, that was easy.

Loving her, that was the easiest thing on the face of the planet.

Letting her go, that was hard, but life was hard, so closing the door behind him, Sam felt a whole range of emotions run through his arteries as he watched Oliver walk to his car in silence, shaking his head as he crossed the grass.

But he was convinced that even though it was this hard, this complicated, he was strong enough to do it, only because he had to.

***** hope you enjoyed it!

Thanks for reading, let me know what you think in another one of those awesome reviews!

Have an awesome day!

Jelly Bean Jenna©


	10. Returning the Favor

**Thanks for all the awesome reviews & compliments you guys left! Hope this will get some more!**

**Thanks to the regulars & Kelly2727 & welcome to the newbies!**

**Chapter 10- Returning the Favor**

**Andy looked for Sam in his office when she came in, she glanced through the gym's windows too, the men's locker room, even in parade, but he was gone. **

**Two days of searching and wearily glancing around turned up nothing. **

**Partnered with Oliver, her silence reigned over them in the cruiser, Oliver just keeping to himself as he watched her through the course of the mornings. **

**A little before lunch on the second day, Oliver got a call and they returned to the barn, Oliver siting a Frank issued order as the reason, before mumbling something about something she had to do. **

**As Andy climbed the stairs to Franks office, she noticed a mass of dark, long hair sitting in a chair facing away from her before she notice Frank wave her in. **

**Andy opened the door slowly, as Frank stood up smiling widely as she walked in. **

**"Mcnally, I'm pulling you from patrol, go change". Frank waived her off, before resuming his chair, leaving Andy walking towards the locker room wearing a bewildered expression. **

**Ten minutes later, Andy was back outside Franks door, waiting to be waived in when she noticed that the dark bundle of hair was gone as she opened the door and entered again. **

**"Mcnally, I'm giving you the rest of the day as a personal day, so take it". Frank said, his tone daring her to argue. **

**"Sir I...". Andy felt the draft breeze over her as the door opened and the smell of soft perfume drifted into the room. **

**Andy turned to see the face of the new occupant to the room, and audibly sucked in a breath as she turned to see a face that was so familiar yet so different, looking back at her. **

**"Mcnally, Sarah, Sarah, Andy Mcnally". **

**There was no question in Andy's mind as to who she was, it was just shock that ran through her at actually seeing her here. **

**"Hi". Sarah greeted a flash of dimples on her cheeks. **

**"Hi?". Andy's voice was mousy and leaked hesitation and confusion as she tried to find a smile to accompany the hi. **

**"Sarah has asked for you to do something with her, and I think it would be a good thing, so take the day!". Frank wasn't above issuing it as an order. **

**She really needed to do this. **

**"Okay?". **

**Sarah said goodbye to Frank as she led Andy out to her car before motioning for her to get in. **

**Driving away, Sarah couldn't help but constantly look over at Andy, making her so nervous she eventually started to fidget. **

**"So... Where are we going?". Andy broke the silence first. **

**"Um, look Sammy told me what happened, and I want you to know its okay, there was nothing you could have done, and I wanted to meet you". Sarah returned her eyes to the front as she drove. **

**"Um... What exactly did Sam tell you?". **

**Sarah turned before answering**

**"Everything". **

**Sarah watched as Andy looked away, a light blush creeping up her face. **

**"Why now?". Andy wished she could take the words back the second they slipped loose. **

**"Because I wanted to understand, and I want you to know that neither of us will hold what happened against you, I can't even wrap my brain around what you must have gone through. I respect you for telling Sam yourself. If it wasn't for you we would never have known". **

**Andy looked around to see Sarah pulling into the parking lot of the cemetery, a panic stricken look gracing her face as she turned to Sarah. **

**"I want you to do this with me, I...need you to do this with me okay?". **

**The instant Andy saw the huge metal gates of the cemetery she felt a sudden rise of sadness run through every inch of her body. **

**It was where Jerry was buried too. **

**Andy noticed that Sarah was out the car and digging in the boot to reach out to Andy as she rounded the car with two huge bunches of flowers. **

**Andy grabbed them, for loss of what else to do as Sarah retrieved another three before closing the boot. **

**"Can I ask you something?". Sarah blurted out as they walked into the cemetery, neither in a hurry to reach their destination. **

**Andy nodded waiting for Sarah to continue. **

**"Sammy told me about you, and him, and I know its none of my business, but why not give him another chance? What's holding you back?". **

**Andy stopped dead and stared at Sarah, her brain searching for the right words. **

**"Its not that easy". Andy mumbled out before resuming her strides. **

**"Then explain it to me, coz I really don't get it". **

**"I...its complicated. I trust Sam, but with that... I dunno if its enough, if uuuurrgg! I love him I really do, but I don't know if that's enough?". Andy was looking for words to describe how she felt but it wasn't working out that well. **

**This time it was Sarah's turn to stop and stare at her. **

**"For you or him?". **

**"Him? Maybe, I dunno". **

**Andy noticed that they were in front of Jerry's grave as Sarah asked her that question. **

**Sarah placed a bunch of flowers down for Jerry, her eyes misting over as she stood up and motioned for Andy to do the same. **

**"You really have no idea do you? No idea what he would actually do for you. You're completely clueless". Sarah said it wearing a smile, like she knew something Andy didn't, and there was no sign of sarcasm, so it wasn't issued vindictively. **

**Weaving through the rows of headstones Sarah made her way to stop in front of another one not far from Jerry's. **

**Andy read the words inscribed on the marble**

**Josh Boyd**

**Beloved husband and father**

**Brother and friend. **

**A hero of the Toronto blue. **

**"My husband". Sarah said as she leaned down and placed another bunch of flowers on the green grass, gently letting them rest against the tombstone. **

**"Was he a cop?". **

**Sarah stood back up and nodded. **

**"You know his siblings, Donny and Sally?". **

**Wow, that comment just stole away Andy's breath. **

**"You married a Boyd?". **

**Sarah nodded again. **

**"Wow". Andy exhaled the word more than she said it. **

**She had seen that Sam and Sally knew eachother, but she had never imagined that as the connection. **

**From their interaction at the Penny the other night, she had just assumed that they'd dated. **

**"Yeah, but he wasn't like them. He was kind and gentle, went out of his way to help others. He got into some trouble with the wrong kinda people and committed suicide, he was UC for about six months, only time ever, and Donny got him entangled in a whole heap of crap that followed him home. We were threatened, so he did what he thought was the right thing to protect his family". **

**Andy had tears welling up in her eyes as she listened to Sarah recant a little part of her life so freely. **

**"Kinda like Sam, with you. The thing is, when Swarek's love, they never stop, you just need to learn to accept it. I moved to St Catherines after... Well I thought it was better for the boys, but Sammy wouldn't leave. Now I'm glad he stayed". **

**Sarah kissed her fingertips before brushing them over the top of the tombstone and walking away, leaving a shaken Andy to follow. **

**They came to a tombstone that was simple in design, but yet it allowed Andy to see it as though it was the chariot of the grim reaper himself. **

**Sarah put down the final bunch of flowers still clutched in her hand before motioning that Andy follow suite. **

**"He was right you know, when he said 'Sammy did good'. I know part of what probably makes him happy is the fact that you're a cop too, but it also makes it harder on him, he worries and holds on so tight that he's eventually suffocating you, but he does it out of love". Sarah was watching Andy's reaction as she drifted the words from her dad to Sam. **

**Andy stared at the words that had been inscribed on the tombstone. **

**Samuel Swarek Snr**

**A family man who gave his family life, even in death. **

**Gone but never forgotten. **

**Life given and life taken by the hero's of the Toronto Blue. **

**"Sam had it changed, had them come out yesterday and do it, it just had his name on it. I told him the wording was wrong, but he said you'd understand". **

**Andy felt her knees begin to wobble as she read the words over and over again. **

**'Life given and life taken by the hero's of the Toronto Blue'. **

**'Life given and life taken by the hero's of the Toronto Blue'. **

**They were taunting her, making the images flash in front of her eyes even though she was desperately trying to push the away. **

**"He must think you're an awesome cop, if he gives you a compliment like that". Sarah whispered, pulling Andy from her vivid daydream. **

**"It was indescribable, when he stepped into the light and I saw...saw his face. It was like watching myself pull the trigger while I aimed the gun at...Sam. He looks just like him, the dimples, the nose, the eyes. He was just a little older, his face a little harder. His hair was only greying slightly on the sides...by his temples. His voice even sounded so much like Sam's. I am so sorry...". Andy's words choked off in a sob. **

**"Andy, it was his choice to be there, and they should have identified themselves regardless of circumstances. He knew who you were so...look it wasn't you're fault okay, and I just need you to get that we don't blame you. I need you to know that Sam doesn't blame you". **

**Was this woman for real?**

**"I went to see Frank this morning to find out more, and why my dad was still active at sixty-three. He made a few calls and we heard that he was placed as a family in those days coz it was low risk, he was more on the getting intel than taking down the bad guys. We always thought he fixed cars, but he was actually shipping heroine and cocaine out in the cars door panels for his mark. He was in and out of jail, we grew up thinking he was a criminal and a junkie, but now that we know the truth, I'm really kinda proud of him, what he did. I just don't like the fact that my brother is gonna try be just like him". **

**Sarah turned to Andy as she whispered the last sentence. **

**Sam had said she was smart, she just hoped she was smart enough to understand what she was trying to say. **

**They left the cemetery wrapped up in casual banter, before Sarah drove them to a diner. **

**Their conversation remained light over a late lunch before Sarah asked Andy for her address so that she could drop her at her condo. **

**When Sarah pulled up outside Andy's condo she held out a piece of paper with neat writing adorning the light paper. **

**"It was really nice to meet you Andy, and thank you for today, in case you ever need anything..."**

**Andy reached out to find Sarah's address and number written on the paper as she smiled through the worrisome feeling that kept nagging at her. **

**She suspected that Sarah was trying to tell her something, but she didn't know her well enough to know if she was right. **

**"Thank you, and it was really nice meeting you". **

**Andy watched as Sarah drove away after waving before pulling out her phone. **

**She contemplated calling Sam, but she was probably the last person he wanted to be around right now. The fact that he was missing for two days from work had her wondering too. **

**Wondering if he hadn't gone UC again. **

**Andy turned to walk into the building before making the rash decision to turn around and take off down the street, Sam's house was after all the only place she hadn't looked for him besides the Penny. **

**He sat watching her for easily half an hour before deciding that she was not gonna give up that easily. **

**He smiled at the thought, as he watched her run a hand over her hair in frustration through the windscreen. **

**He was honestly just driving past when he saw her familiar form sitting on the steps, looking down the street rather expectantly, and rather lost. **

**Climbing out the car, he made his way across the street, before seeing her head shoot up and disappointment wash over her face as he sat down next to her on the hard wood of the stairs. **

**"He's not here is he?". Andy whispered looking down at the lines that ran the length of the wood below her feet. **

**"Nope". Oliver really didn't have words to say to her right now, not really having heard her voice in months due to the silence she always seemed to find. **

**"He...um hasn't left if that's what you think, he just taking some time". Oliver added seeing her face suddenly become a mask of such heartbreak that he couldn't keep it to himself. **

**"Why is it this hard? I mean I know its hard for him to hear what I did, but I mean seriously? Now he's gonna run...". **

**"Andy, don't do that okay, don't beat yourself up over what happened, it wasn't your fault". Oliver cut her words off. **

**"What? You know?". Andy was shocked that he knew, but not surprised, he was Sam's best friend after all. **

**"Callaghan bought me the file and asked me to tell Sammy, but only the day you came back. I said no, I couldn't after what he did for me...". **

**Andy raised an eyebrow at those few words. **

**"Look Mcnally, Zoe and I hit a really rough patch while you were gone, I moved out, she wanted a divorce. I got so loaded the night I was served the papers and I drove over here before passing out on the couch. Sammy...he went over there and talked to Zoe, he convinced her to give me another chance, he put up the fight I couldn't, and he won". Oliver had a proud smile on his face as he spoke, making Andy feel a little jealous that Sam would put up a fight for his friends marriage, but not for her. **

**"So that's why I'm returning the favor" Oliver said standing up and motioning for Andy to follow as she noticed that dusk began to settle, and the sunlight began to fade. **

**Had she really been sitting there that long waiting for him?**

**"First you need to understand that you and Sammy are so much the same that you can't even see it. Think about it Andy, your mom left, his dad left, you lost your dad to the bottle, he lost his mom to the heroin. Just... Just remember that okay, no matter what he tells you? And keep talking, no matter how many times he tries to shut you down, don't give up, don't let him pull away, or push you away". **

**Andy glanced at Oliver wondering if the world had gone insane or if it was just her. **

**Or was everyone in on something that she didn't know? **

**"The only thing I'm saying is, no matter what he says fight him on it, and don't give up, don't let go". **

**Oliver hoped she understood, even if he was drilling it into her head now, she wasn't herself lately, so he could only hope. **

**He pulled up outside a facebrick building, motioning to the door a little to her left. **

**"Third floor, send left". Oliver smiled, but it didn't meet his eyes and he knew it. **

**This might be the only way to get Sam to stay, and even though he had told Sam to let her go if he really loved her, he didn't actually think Sam would. **

**And just seeing that Sam really was trying, to let her go, even though it was destroying him in the process, that spoke volumes as to how much he really loves her. Seeing her sitting there, waiting as time ticked by, knowing that she could face the worst kind of Sam there could be after what had happened, she was there waiting. **

**So in a split second he decided to put up the fight they both needed, consequences be damned. **

**Andy gave Oliver a weak smile of thanks before getting out the car. **

**Making her way up the darkening staircase, Andy couldn't help but wonder if Sam was hiding from her, or if he was taking another UC, by the sounds of sadness that wrapped itself up in her conversations with Sarah and Oliver. **

**Finding the door she was looking for, Andy hesitated momentarily before knocking way too loudly. **

**Sam thought it weird that Oliver would pay him a visit at his own rental apartment, having moved back in with Zoe three days ago, but still having the lease till the end of the month, he had offered it to Sam to use until he left, when Sam had agreed that he should stay away from Andy, but didn't know how. **

**The knock sounded anxious, as Sam turned the heat off on the stove before making his way to swing the door open and freeze at the sight of her. **

**That he wasn't expecting. **

**Her. **

**Here. **

**But she had managed to track him down before, first time to the Alpine and then to Brennan's farmhouse, so why did he even think she wouldn't find him here. **

**Sam's surprised reaction told her that he had been hiding, and had never expected her to find him, his face showing the surprise before it fell, and fell hard as he sucked in a breath. **

**She knew. **

**The second his face dropped, his eyes filled with a little regret before he tried to cover it up, but it was all she needed to see to know. **

**"You're leaving?". **

**Andy hadn't even stepped through the doorway yet, and already she was fired up, her tone sharp and accusing. **

**Sam cursed himself, he should have know better than to underestimate her. **

**And he honestly had made that mistake. **

**Sam remained silent, letting the mask slip back in place as he reigned himself in, he leaned forwards to rest his hand on the doorframe, the other still holding the door, attempting to block her from moving inside. **

**Andy watched Sam lean forwards, his face changing to an unreadable expression. **

**Even though she knew she was right, she needed to hear it, hear the words. **

**"Sam!". **

**Her voice was strong, her eyes flashing that familiar Mcnally fire as she stepped forwards. **

**Sam knew in that instant that he was in so much trouble. **

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .͡▹**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	11. I'd give up Forever

**Wow you guys are really awesome!**

**Thanks for the amazing reviews & huge compliments! You sure know how to make my day! **

**Thanks to Kelly2727 & all the regulars!**

**Welcome to the newbies!**

**Sorry for the bold again, I promise to be better at trying to sort that out!**

*******A/N: I get an episode of Rookie Blue tonight, so I thought I'd share a chapter!**

**Hope its worth leaving a review...**

**Chapter 11- I'd give up Forever**

**Andy watched as Sam began biting the inside of his cheek, a clear sign of frustration and the fact that he was really trying to bite back his words- literally. **

**She was standing so close that Sam could smell the scent of her shampoo, not really a good thing right now. **

**"Were you even gonna tell me Sam? Or are you so disgusted by what I did that you feel the need to run? And hide? You should grow a pair Sam!". Andy was yelling by this point, not caring that the next door neighbour stuck her head out into the hallway to get a better view of the commotion. **

**Sam pushed off the doorframe and yanked Andy into the apartment, out of sight from prying eyes, before slamming the door. **

**"That's what you think?". Sam tried to contain his temper, more towards himself than her. **

**He knew this is how she would read his actions, and yet he left her to believe what she saw. **

**"Yeah Sam I do, I told you what I did, and I don't blame you for really hating me right now, but not having the guts to face me? That's a new one for bad-ass Swarek isn't it?"**

**Andy's voice was still carrying a few octaves too loud, but right now, she was past caring. **

**"Andy...I don't hate you, okay, I don't think that's even possible, so thanks for dropping by". Sam said holding the door open. **

**Andy stood rooted to the spot, daring him to make her leave. **

**Sam watched her defy him, before closing the door. This was not gonna end well, and it seemed there was no way of getting out of it. **

**"Then why does everyone else know you're leaving? Why couldn't you tell me Sam?". **

**Her tone slipped a little, as he watched the hurt cast through her eyes, automatic reruns playing through his mind of the many times he had done this exact same thing in the past. **

**"Because it has nothing to do with you Andy, because I screwed up from the very beginning, and now its the only option there is...". **

**"Bullshit Sam! That's crap and you know it. There are always other ways. Why you? Why now? Is it because I made a mistake? Because I screwed up and killed your dad? Because for the two months after it happened, before I came back, everytime I closed my eyes it was like watching you die, watching _me_ shoot_ you_? And knowing I'll have to come back and face you after what I did? Well guess what, I still see it Sam, its still there, I'm always gonna see it no matter how many times I close my eyes, for as long as I live I'm gonna watch the..." **

**"Because I don't have a choice Andy, because this is how its gonna happen no matter what other option there might be, its not gonna happen, this is my choice, my decision, I can't let you...". **

**Sam's temper slipped as he raised his voice once again. He had never been one to loose his temper unprovoked, and at a woman no less, but he was so pissed with himself that his fuse burned at both ends until they met in the middle, causing an explosion to go off without him even realizing he had let the truth almost slip out. **

**"Let me _what_ Sam?". Andy watched as Sam pinched his eyes closed and let out a long sigh, before it turned into a dry chuckle. **

**She had him so wrapped around her finger that she would be able to drag his most kept secrets out of him, with only the slightest wiggle of said finger. **

**Sam felt the air around him shift as Andy stepped closer, but refusing to open his eyes coz he knew what her face would look like. And this time he wouldn't hold back. He wouldn't be able to. **

**"Andy...nothing, okay? Let's just drop it". **

**"No, you started this, you tried to be a friend, when I shut you down, but you kept trying. This is me doing the same thing, this is what i should have done when you shut me down after Jerry...". **

**She was right, again. **

**He had shut her down and shut her out when Jerry died, when she was torn in two between being there for him and Nash. **

**She had tried to comfort him, but he wouldn't let her, couldn't let her. She was getting to close, and when he was faced with the reality of how dependent he was on her being in his life, so he backed off. **

**He backed off so hard that they both stumbled and fell. **

**Their lives the way there were now, that was his fault. If he hadn't pushed her away, she wouldn't have left, she wouldn't have to live with the regret she had for killing his dad, and they wouldn't be here like this now, with him almost ready to leave. **

**Instead he probably would have kept holding her back, holding her too tightly until she retaliated and they drifted apart. **

**Either way, it ended the same. **

**"Andy, stop...please?". **

**"No Sam, not until you tell me why you couldn't tell me that you were going". **

**She was relentless. **

**Assaulting his senses with her lingering so close, his eyes still unable to see her, but he could feel her warm breath sweep over his face, her voice pleading. **

**"Because... it was _you_, or _me_". **

**There he said it, this time not keeping the truth from her, she would eventually find out anyway, might as well let her take her anger out where it should be directed, the source- himself. **

**"_What_?". **

**Sam didn't have to open his eyes to see that she recoiled in shock and horror at his words, he felt it as the warm air in front of him shifted as a breeze washed over him. **

**Brazenly opening his eyes, he saw her eyes staring at him, filled with ...nothing? **

**He expected tears, anger, hurt maybe? **

**She seemed to zone out, her eyes staring at him blankly as she took a few steps back until she reached the back of the couch and couldn't move any further. **

**Sarah's words echoed in her mind, 'you have no idea what he'd do for you' before they changed into Oliver's voice telling her to not back down, no matter what Sam told her. **

**Blinking a few times, Andy noticed that Sam was wearing the same expression he was the night he dumped her**

**"No...I...you...I don't even know what you're saying right now". Andy was shaking her head unable to wrap her mind around what he had just said. **

**"Sally wanted you, and I said _no_. I traded off coz I...can't let you do that. Okay that what you wanna hear? And trust me it has nothing to with the fact that I don't think you're capable...". **

**Sam's voice drowned out as the words 'Life given and life taken by the hero's of the Toronto Blue' ran through her mind. Sarah had said that Sam told her she would understand them. **

**"I know". Andy's sudden fighting spirit suddenly flickered before the flame went out. **

**Sam just looked at her, as though her reaction was unexpected. **

**"'Life given and life taken by the hero's of the Toronto Blue'. Sarah said that you said I'd understand, well I get it now". Andy was suddenly looking everywhere but at Sam. **

**"Sarah? My sister Sarah?". **

**"Yeah Sam, how many Sarah's do we both know?". **

**Sam's stupid question seemed to bring back the spark to light her fierce side. **

**"Sorry". She added as she saw him visibly flinch. **

**"I just don't get why you told everyone, but not me Sam. I thought you wanted us to be friends, we were partners Sam, what happened to always having your partners back?". **

**Andy was ready for another round of verbal wrestling, she still needed to try and understand. **

**"Well that worked out well for us didn't it, being friends? And we haven't been partners in over a year Andy, that changes things, but this..._this is me having you're back". _**

**"If we weren't partners, then what were we Sam?". **

**There was that look again, the one that told him she was barely holding it together, holding on from crumbling, but she was fighting it with everything she had in her. **

**"Andy...". **

**"_Say it_ Sam!". **

**Okay, so the look changed, she was just pissed now. **

**Again. **

**Andy moved forwards towards Sam again, causing him to back away. She was actually really scary in the moment, he had never seen her so determined, so spurred on. **

**"Say it!". **

**Crap! She wanted the truth, and she wanted the words to hear, but was she really ready for them? **

**Did she want them badly enough, that she would understand when she heard them? **

**Andy heard Sam mumble something incoherently as she stepped closer when he finally stopped backing away. **

**"What? Say it Sam, tell me what we were then if we didn't do the friends thing well, and we weren't partners...". **

**"More, its always been more". **

**Sam snapped. **

**Why was this so damned hard?**

**He had already told her exactly how he feels, by using the three most important words, at the worst time, and he had tried to say it a second time, but she stopped him, so why the hell was it so hard for him to say it and for her to hear it? **

**"Do you get it now Mcnally? Why its so damned hard? Why I can't let you go? Why I traded out with you and didn't want you to know? Why I need to stay away from you, why I'm here instead of at my house? Can you see why I'm trying to stay away?". Sam looked her right in the eye and let the words free themselves. **

**He was not loving the pain he was living, so maybe telling her everything would be the only thing left to do. **

**Andy was stunned by Sam's admission. She thought that somewhere along the lines Sam's love just wasn't there anymore, or that hers wasn't enough for him. When he told her he loved her, she thought that it was the guilt talking. **

**But now...now...**

**Andy shook her head, clearing out every thought that raced into her mind at the same time, overloading her brain completely. **

**"Because I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore. I can't be around you and not want to touch you, I can't go to sleep and know you're not gonna be there when I wake up, I can't be in the same room as you and be on the other side, and I can't do this and leave again". **

**Sam suddenly found the floor really interesting. **

**This was hard, opening up and talking, but he figured she deserved to know the truth, maybe it would make it easier on her when he left. **

**"Then don't". Andy whispered. **

**"Andy, there is no way I can't go okay, if I don't she will come for you, and that...is not an option". **

**"Sam, I get that you're trying to protect me, but its not you're choice, you don't have to do this, Sarah, you have to stay for Sarah and her boys, you're all they have left now". **

**"Sarah understands". **

**"No! You have to walk away on this one Sam. Its not you're job to protect me anymore, I'm not you're responsibility, and I'm not made of glass, I won't break...". **

**"And if you die because no-one had you're back? If things go south and you don't make it? If you come back hooked on a little more than adrenaline? No way Mcnally, this is the way its gonna happen". **

**"Why Sam? Why not stay and let me take it? It won't be forever". **

**Andy's voice was raising again, her temper flaring. **

**"Because I can't loose you". Sam yelled back through clenched teeth, without thinking. **

**"But walking away? That's the same thing, and you're so damned good at doing it!". Andy matched his outburst with one of her own. **

**"But you'll be here, and you'll be alive, and that is worth more than me staying". **

**"And you won't be, or you're never coming back, are you?". **

**With those words, her tears finally made their appearance as her strong front faded away. **

**She just couldn't keep it up anymore, not when it was ripping her heart out. **

**Sam let out a huff as he though over words to sooth her. **

**"Are you?". She whispered, her voice cracking before her words were done. **

**Sam shook his head indicating that she was right, he wasn't coming back. **

**"Its a permanent transfer..."**

**His words caused Andy to let out an involuntary whimper. **

**"Sam...you...I can go, I can do it...". **

**Sam turned and walked away before her words were done, grabbing something from the kitchen counter to thrust it towards her. **

**"That is_ my_ ticket Mcnally,_ my_ name is on it and _my_ name will stay on it. _You_ will stay and that's the end of this conversation". Sam said waiving his plane ticket in front of her. **

**He found it slipped in under the door, Sally attaching a note that read; 'Don't miss your flight, or I will be back'. **

**She looked away, unable to see the evidence that really made this a reality. **

**Just as Sam took a step out of her personal space she looked back towards him before sighing out one word, one syllable that showed defeat. "When?". **

**"Sunday". **

**"Then give me the week". **

**"What?". Hadn't she been paying attention when he said that they couldn't do this? **

**"Give me the week, I...just want the week". **

**"What does that even mean?". Sam wasn't completely sure of exactly what she wanted the week for. **

**"No hiding away Sam, if I want to call you, answer the phone. If I come over, let me in, if I want to talk don't shut me out. I want the week". **

**Sam stared at Andy, his mouth fluttering open to say something before he jammed it closed and let his jaw clench. **

**"Sam, please, I know I've asked for a lot in the past, but give me the week". Her voice was pleading. Again. **

**"Andy, I...no, I'm sorry I can't...". **

**"Can't or won't Sam?". **

**"Can't Andy, I'm leaving on Sunday, that's five days away, I can't do this and walk away again". **

**He couldn't, he really didn't have it in him. **

**"Sam...you could just be honest and say that you don't want me...". **

**Andy put her head down as she moved to walk past Sam, forgetting the fight she had in her minutes ago, forgetting what she needed to say and what she wanted to say. **

**Sam's hand stopped her as it closed gently around her arm as she moved in next to him making for the door. **

**Sam had every intention of letting words fill his lips, but looking at her, and seeing the doubt on her face, he let the words hang back as he leaned in resting his forehead against hers. **

**Every fiber of his body wanted to lean in a little closer and just let his lips find hers, but he knew that was what had him feeling like this in the first place, being reminded what it felt like, feeling what it felt like, tasting what they tasted like. **

**Andy let her eyes stay cast downwards, unable to look at Sam right now. She had no idea why he stopped her from leaving, when he was leaving soon. **

**"Don't Andy, just don't okay?". **

**"Don't what Sam? Feel the rejection? Feel like I'm not worth it?". **

**She was whispering to her feet, but she knew he heard her loud and clear. **

**Sam moved Andy back just a fraction, so that he could lift her head to look at him before leaning in to brush his nose against hers in the familiar motion that he had only ever done to her, only ever reserved for her. **

**"I would give up forever to touch you, give up today to hold your hand, tomorrow to kiss your lips, the day after that to wake up next to you, but I can't have it today and its gone tomorrow" **

**Andy found herself smiling, even though he had said something so heart wrenching. **

**Sam watched as the familiar tug on her lips started, before the pink tint began to rise up her neck, before finding its resting place on her cheeks. **

**His heart rate picked up dramatically, whether from her warm skin under his hands, or her breath against his lips, or the fact that her smile and a light hint of a blush were making an appearance he wasn't sure, but just having her there, like this was enough to make him ache for more, like this, here, now just wasn't enough. **

**Andy held her breath when he turned her head up to face him, she was almost expecting him to try to steal a kiss, and found herself disappointed when she felt his head lean in and rest against the top of hers. **

**The look on his face told her that her words stung. **

**Listening to his words whispered against her skin, she felt the tears that threatened to slide free of her eyes finally make their way down her cheeks. The ones that she was fighting her hardest to keep at bay. **

**Even though she felt her lips tug up and the heat rush through her face, she felt the most euphoric sense settle in on her as she stood here, him so close. **

**Sam noticed the tears, and moved his hand up to let his thumb brush them away. This was why he wanted to stay away, to stop her tears from being formed by him, his words or his actions. **

**Andy closed her eyes, leaning into Sam's hand as it came to rest on her cheek. **

**"Andy, don't...". **

**She felt Sam stiffen at her innocent action, she really just wanted to feel. **

**Feel him, feel something, other than the sadness, the emptiness, the hurt. **

**Andy's eyes flew open to see Sam's mirror hers, before she lifted her hands to his face and pulled him forwards. **

**Her kiss was fierce, her lips demanding, her breath desperate. **

**Her sudden actions reminded Sam of the night of the blackout. **

**His reaction mirroring his reaction of that night too. **

**His brain was delayed, sudden unexpected shock allowing it to freeze up completely. **

**But his lips...his lips had a mind of their own as they responded of their own accord. **

**Sam could taste the feint tinge of coffee on her lips, mingled with something purely Andy. **

**He felt the sudden drop of wetness as it dripped down onto his hand that now firmly held her face from pulling away despite his reluctance to let her get this close. **

**Pulling away Sam saw the tear streaks down her cheeks as she kept her eyes closed, hers hidden away from his. **

**"Andy...". **

**"Don't say a word Sam!". Her voice was low, but held the warning on a jagged edge. **

**"Not even stay?". **

**Andy's eyes flew open to see Sam wearing his dimples, his eyes trying to hide their amusement. **

**"Would you really?". **

**Andy whispered as she looked away, too late to take back the uttered words. **

**"Really what?". Sam said pulling her in to be enveloped in his arms, her head resting against his chest. **

**"Give up forever?". **

**Sam sighed, she really had no idea. **

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .͡▹**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	12. Mistakes

Wow, I have the best readers & reviewers! Thanks for all you're awesome reviews & the huge comnpliments!

You sure know how to rock my world!

Thanks to Kelly2727 & all the regulars & welcome to the newbies!

Chapter 12- Mistakes

Andy woke up, her head resting on Sam's chest as she opened her eyes to see his already open and watching her.

"Sorry". She mumbled, bumping her head on his hand as it still fiddled with a strand of

her hair, as she tried to move her head away to feel Sam's hand push it back down.

"Its okay, you always preferred it to my pillows". Sam said letting out a chuckle at her sudden furious blush.

"Shut up". She hissed under her breath.

Nagging in the back of her mind was the question of how many times she woke Sam up crying, or how often she jerked or let out a muffled scream in her sleep.

"What?".

"Um... Did you sleep okay?". Andy mumbled to see Sam raise an eyebrow.

"Okay, did I...um...sleep okay?".

It made sense to Sam now that she phrased it the other way around.

"You didn't have nightmares if that's what you're asking?".

Andy nodded.

It was one of few nights she hadn't.

Sam had been awake since it was still dark outside, laying with her head on his chest, he began to stroke her hair. He watched as the action made her try to tuck herself in more than she already was.

The movement bought a sad smile to his face, when the sun was up, he would have four days and four nights of this before he had to leave.

Four days of breaking his heart before breaking hers.

If she would let him have them.

Andy shifted around before sitting up and getting out of bed.

"I have a shift so..."

Wow this conversation was awkward.

"Yup". Sam said motioning for her to grab the bathroom.

When she came out, fully dressed, she found Sam waiting in the kitchen dressed, with coffee.

"I can just catch a cab" she said shifting from foot to foot as their relationship somehow managed to find an awkwardness that was never there before.

"Just drink your coffee". Sam said holding out her cup.

When they were done, Sam grabbed the apartments keys before ushering her out the door, his hand finding the small of her back as they went through the doorway, as it had always done in the past.

He drove her home in silence, simply because he didn't know where she was right now. If she was still in the bad place or if she had somehow found a better place.

Pulling up outside her condo Sam turned to face her, to find her hand fumbling to loosen her seatbelt unsuccessfully.

Her movements were furious and haggered as she tried to free it.

Sam's hand covered hers as he willed her to stop, before her head snapped up and she ground out a "I got it". Making Sam latch onto her hand a little tighter.

"Don't tell me it was a mistake, that it shouldn't have happened...".

She was falling over the edge, as Sam watched her suddenly loose herself to the doubts.

"Andy, don't do this...".

Sam felt her hand jerk up as she finally snapped the clip free before pulling her hand away from his.

"Sam, it was stupid, we're looking for trouble...".

Hadn't she come to realize that they were well past the point of looking for it, that they were already in trouble, way over their heads?

"See you Sam". With that she was out the truck and closing the door.

Sam watched her walk away, realizing what she was doing.

She was letting go and it made him feel dead inside as his blood ran cold.

Shift was hell, the day was one of those that had the bad guys take a days vacation because you needed them to be bad to keep you busy.

Andy was partnered with Oliver, no surprise there.

He kept his distance, avoided approaching the subject. Judging by the loss of spark he had seen light her eyes when he left her at his rental apartment, things had not gone well.

Traci had stopped him this morning at the barn while he was getting coffee, and asked if he had seen Sam, when she suddenly blurted out that she knew about his dad and that he was leaving. She also gloated over the prospect of punching Sally in the face if she came near fifteen again.

Oliver denied any knowledge of anything she said, although he suspected she saw through his facade when she asked him if he was really gonna let Sam walk away from Andy, especially when she really needed him now after what happened.

Which is what brought him now to make a call to Sam while Mcnally was in the cruiser and he was in the diner getting coffee.

"Yeah?". Sam's answer was not unexpected, Oliver figured Sam knew that she found her way over there last night because he steered her in the right direction.

"Brother, how's things?". Oliver said taking a bite of the raisin muffin he ordered while waiting for the coffees.

"Should I ask you the same thing?".

Okay, so Sammy wasn't thrilled either.

Looking back at Mcnally through the windows of the diner, Oliver saw her wipe at her face, unsuspectingly telling him that she was not hanging in there all that well.

"I know I said you should stay away from her Sammy, but I found her waiting outside your house. She just looked so lost, I couldn't leave her there, knowing what's gonna happen".

Sam sighed into the speaker, he knew Oliver was right, and that he did the right thing, but it didn't make it any easier.

"I know, but it just made things more complicated".

"Did you tell her?".

"Yeah".

"So that's why she's so broken, crying all over the inside of my cruiser?".

"What?".

"Wait what are we talking about?". Oliver knew he baited Sam, once again.

"Oliver!".

"Okay, she's just really sad, she hasn't said a word since we left the barn, and its almost time to be back at the barn. I'm getting coffee and she's in the cruiser, and I dunno what the hell you told her, but she's crying now, probably too scared to do it in front of me because she'll think I think she's weak. I get that its hard, but its just hard to watch her like this".

Oliver could see Sam pinching the bridge of his nose as he listened, his breathing the only sound over the line.

"I...I gotta go, I'll catch up with you later...". And Sam hung up, making Oliver do the cliched action of pulling the phone away from his ear and looking at the screen.

Andy walked straight to the locker room when they got back to the barn, without even mumbling a bye to Oliver.

She stormed through the door, yanked open her locker, grabbed what she needed to shower and slammed the metal door closed.

Finding a stall, she opened the water to full pressure letting it run hot before she stepped in under the spray.

Spending enough time in the shower, scrubbing away the taints of the day, Andy dried off and dressed before leaving the room in a fashion similar to the way she had entered it.

Loudly.

Pushing the door to the parking lot open, she felt the cool night air brush over her still warmed up skin as she took off towards the street in the hopes of catching a cab home.

A sudden presence drew her attention, as she turned to the left to find Sam waiting for her, leaning against the passenger door of his truck, arms crossed across his chest, a smirk riding his lips.

Andy suddenly stopped and looked around as though she was looking to see someone else, someone he was waiting for.

Hesitantly walking towards her, Sam's hands finding their way into his pockets as he neared her, he was worried that her walls would be all the way up now.

"It wasn't a mistake, it wasn't stupid, and we're in way more trouble than we realize, but it wasn't a mistake". His tone was soft as he came to stop in front of her, waiting for it to swing either way now that it was up to her.

Without over-thinking it, Andy launched herself at Sam, wrapping her arms around his neck as his hands freed themselves to find their way around her back.

Eyes stood watching from the dark, the door cracked open enough to peer through.

The sight that met their exit, hastily causing it to cease, was one torn in two, the one that makes your heart explode in bliss, the other that causes it to be so torn that it fails to carry on beating.

Watching the two, hiding in silence, the brain that accompanied the heart knew that this was the only option, the only answer, come tomorrow, their decisions would be spoken.

After all, they would just be returning the favor.

"This is gonna be even harder on Sunday, so if you need to back out, you need to back out now...". Sam began whispering in her ear as he held her close.

Andy replied with an immediate no, before he had even had the chance to give her an out.

"Andy, I need to say this, so please let me finish?". Sam still didn't relinquish his hold on her, instead he let his arms tighten around her as she nodded in the crook of his neck.

"If you need out, you need to say it now, sunday morning I'm getting on that plane because I love you, and no matter what happens nothing will ever change that, but this is gonna be even harder on Sunday, if you can't...um can't do this, you need to tell me now".

Andy gently shook her head again in the crook of Sam's neck, as he felt the soft drops of liquid run down his neck.

"Sam, don't do this now". Followed in a muffled whisper as her warm breath flushed against his skin.

"Andy, this is already so damned hard, I..."

'I what Sam? Regret that I said I'd trade coz it means leaving you? When I have you back? No, its a decision I'll never regret, coz you'll be here and you'll be okay' Sam's mind screamed in silence as he looked down at the top of her head.

"We have tonight, and saturday and saturday night, tomorrow I have to go to Sarah's, will you let me have them, those days?".

Andy nodded without hesitation, even though she was mutely upset by the fact that she wouldn't have tomorrow with him.

"Okay, let's go...". Sam cut the home off, not wanting to attach the idea of home and Andy together.

Pulling away, he grabbed Andy's bag from her and put it in the back, before opening her door.

Once he was in and driving, Andy noticed that he was driving towards his house, without even asking where she wanted to go.

The thought that he was now no longer hiding in Oliver's rental apartment had her happy, even though it was such a simple act, him going back to his own house.

When she walked through the front door, her nose was attacked with the most delicious smells.

Raising an eyebrow at Sam, she smiled remembering that him cooking for her was part of his speech from the day when she was holding the grenade. But he usually did that anyway.

When Andy fell asleep, Sam lay tracing random patterns over her hand. Something he found soothing for himself, more than for her.

Never really having any regrets to live by, because he made the choice not to, he found so many regrets now floating around his mind.

He still had a tinge of self loathing run through him about how stupid he had been the first time round.

If he had instead chosen to say the words that he should have that night, it would have spared them both six weeks of torture until she left, and six months of agony after she left, and the week that had drifted by, well that would have been spent in bliss rather than in mortal fear.

He really was an ass.

Andy made it to parade just in time to sit down and see the curious looks passed from Noelle to Frank, before they seemingly avoided looking at her. Her mind was wrapped up in thoughts of not seeing Sam today, when she felt Oliver's hand squeeze her shoulder, before he mumbled a 'let's go Mcnally' before leaving the room, his hanging unusually low.

He saw Sam drop Mcnally off when he pulled in, managing to catch Sam's attention before he drove off lost in staring after her until she disappeared behind the closed door.

"Brother, does this mean that you're staying?" Oliver asked as he approached Sam's window.

"Nope".

"There is still time to change you're mind you know". The stern look that followed was not missed by Sam.

"I can't".

"There are other ways, you know, to stay. Not that you're a man that plays by the rules, but the rules do say, no married UC's and no pregnant woman and no...oh boy".

Oliver found a really amused look on Sam's face at the mention of the word 'married'.

"That's it isn't it? That's...".

"Nothing, absolutely nothing".

"She's whipped you so bad, you actually thought about it, didn't you? That's why you, you know... took some space, and well sorta dumped her, isn't it? Sam have you gone insane? The one girl that actually makes you think about... about that, and you leave her and run? You have the chance to actually fix this and you're still gonna run? Are you for real this time, coz now that I know she made you think about it I think you're making the worst mistake of your life if you leave this time. But you know...you only start what monday morning? You could still make Vegas".

Oliver tapped his hand on the roof of Sam's truck before walking away, a loud chuckle filling the empty parking lot.

Sam was surprised that Oliver only figured that fact out now, they'd been friends for almost as many years as Mcnally had been alive, so for him to miss that tiny piece of information along the way was just incredible.

The day Sam saw Andy's keys hanging up in his house was the day he became afraid, when the thoughts of her being here or him being there, well, in honesty he thought it just wasn't enough anymore. He wanted her here or him there permanently.

All of her.

In that instant he knew he was way past any limits he'd ever reached in a relationship, he'd never even come close to considering being tied down, never even had the thought of it run through his mind before.

And that scared him senseless.

That and the fact that somewhere at the back of his mind, a thought came spiraling to the frontal lobe of his brain as it screamed _'she can do better_' before following it up with '_you don't deserve her, she's worth more'_ and then finally ending it off with a loud '_you're no good for her_' before leaving the hesitation and fear to ultimately cause him to push her away.

He always wondered if him simply loving her would be enough, for her. Enough for him to keep her.

She was enough, just having her close was enough, just having her was enough, but the daunting thoughts that it didn't work both ways, were eventually his undoing.

So he backed off.

Sam shook the thought of 'Married to Mcnally' out of his mind before pulling out the parking lot and passing the city limits as he made his way to Sarah's.

When she opened the door, he was expecting her face to fall, but when it slipped and became undone, he really felt like he was making life a lot harder for the people closest to him, all because he made a mistake.

Screwed up, so badly that it would never be taken back.

"So this is it, isn't it?". Sarah said moving away from the door.

"So, you're still gonna do this?". Sarah asked, just to verify that she was right in guessing that this was their goodbye.

"I get it Sam, I...came down to try and understand what it was about her that had you so tied up in knots, and when I met her, after everything you told me, I was still surprised. She's just so...bright light you know? I can see why you're so drawn to her, its like she's the best part of you, but the fact that you're still leaving is _THE. STUPIDIST. THING_ you're gonna do, Ever!".

Sam knew that at some point this conversation would arise, he just didn't expect it as soon as he walked in the door.

"That's all I'm gonna say, so coffee?".

Wow she could do a total one-eighty turn and still make his head spin.

They spent hours talking and reminiscing, mostly Sarah asking questions about UC and Andy.

The boys came home from school and they went out for pizza before returning to Sarah's house as she suspiciously eyed her watch.

"Expecting something?"

Sarah had never been consumed with time, she was always late, forever oversleeping, and for her to keep eye her watch, something was up.

"Why are you still here?" Sarah said before Sam fully stopped the truck.

"Sarah you know...".

Sarah spun around and handed her keys to the boys, motioning that they best make a retreat into the house.

"Sam, I know why you're here, here. Why aren't you with her? You have that look back in your eyes, the one you've always had since you met her, the one that was not there when things were tough, but its back so I know you've seen her".

Sarah didn't miss a thing.

"She asked for the week, so I'm...I have no idea what I'm doing. Its just so hard to stay away, even knowing what its gonna be like on Sunday for her, for me to walk away with her standing there watching me walk away.

Again.

I told her why I'm doing it, I told her I love her and that she could have the few days left if she could let me go on Sunday, if she couldn't she had to tell me and she didn't, so...I had to come say bye to you guys you know. You're...".

Aaarrgggg, this was hard.

"Sammy, goodbye, we love you, be safe and call when you can, so go now please?". Sarah leaned in to kiss his cheek as he saw the tears make an appearance.

"Go!". Sarah said over eagerly as she saw Sam contemplating doing the right thing and the thing he wanted to do the most.

But that was Sam, always the protector, always the upstanding kinda guy, always putting her first, before himself.

It was time for him to do something for Sammy now, and even if it would eventually rip his heart out and tear it to shreds, he deserved the happiness of the moment, the few hours of sheer ecstasy he could find with Andy, would be worth the inevitable heartbreak.

*****okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .͡▹

Have an awesome day!

Jelly Bean Jenna©


	13. The L Word

Thanks for all the awesome reviews & compliments & follows & favorites! For my other fic's too! You guys are deffinatly the best readers on ff!

Sorry for the delay, it was my son's 5th birthday, so baking cupcakes & his birthday party kept me busy.

Thanks to Kelly2727 & all the regulars, welcome to my world if you're a newbie!

Chapter 13- The L word

She managed to catch Frank just as he was standing up to leave his office to start parade.

Waiving her in, he paused knowing what was about to said.

"Got a minute sir?".

Frank nodded and motioned for her to sit, but she declined, lightly shaking her head causing her dark hair to swing around, fluttering with the motion.

"Sir, um...I know Sam's leaving, and I ...it doesn't feel right. I don't get why him and why now?".

Frank had been watching her over the last two or three days, watching as the wheels behind the dark eyes spun and spun until they seized up from the amount of over-thinking she had been doing.

"How can Sally Boyd walk in here get what she wants? I mean I know she wanted...its just not fair!". Her voice ended in a sigh as she tried to contain herself.

"Sally's getting Sam because she saved a UC's life, and then put in a request for a cop from fifteen and it was sanctioned by Superintendent Peck herself". Frank said almost below his breath as he sat back down.

"Who was it?".

"Gail's brother Steve Peck".

"What? So she asks for one of us and gets her way? That's not even legal". Her voice carried through the room as her annoyance beamed out.

"Look, its the way these things work. When a Peck owes you, you can pretty much get what you want, Sally wanted one of us coz we're damn good cops, we're honest cops and we care. She took a bullet for him a few months before we had anyone in there. I'm sorry but its just how it goes".

Franks face filled with regret as he spoke, this crap was tearing his division and his friends apart.

Her face remained stern, as she took a moment to scrutinize his words.

"Okay, well they don't last long right a year at most, maybe a little longer?". She was hesitant as she asked, she had heard that it was a permanent transfer.

"Nope, not this time, its an assignment nobody wants, this one is permanent". Franks tone was dry.

"What? Why?".

"Because these UC's come and go between rehab and assignment. They go in way too deep, and come out wrecked. Then it starts all over again. If they don't die on the job, and they do come back, they come back dead as the person you know, so they don't take just anyone".

Frank knew that the truth would come out sometime.

Its who the Boyd's were, Sally and Donovan. They thrived on the risks involved with this kind of assignment, that's part of the reason neither were married and had families, that simply got in the way.

"I wanna trade off". She whispered suddenly causing Frank to lean forwards and rest his elbows on the table as he gruffed out a "What?" In response to her statement. Even after everything he just said, her mind was made up the same way it was when she walked in the door.

"I can do this Sir, I know I can, he doesn't have to go, I get what he's trying to do, but after everything that's happened, I want this".

Frank raised an eyebrow at her request, although he had no doubt that she could do this. She was one of the best that came from her group of rookies.

"I don't..."

"Sir, I want this, he deserves to stay. I need to do this".

She wasn't backing down.

"Okay, I'll make some calls, see what I can do, but I'm not making any promises. And just for the record, if you do get this, I will be loosing one of the best from fifteen". Frank nodded in her direction, as he indicated that the conversation was over.

Leaving Franks office, she felt a tug at her heartstrings, as she made it into parade just in time to sit down before seeing Frank walk up to Noelle and say a few words before Noelle's eyes darted in her direction.

Hopefully this could stay between them, until she left, she couldn't bare having to say goodbye.

Andy left the barn out the side door hoping to catch either Chris or Traci before they left, she'd been so wrapped up in thoughts of Sam that she forgot to ask someone for a ride home.

Andy stepped out into the cool air, the smell of pending rain filling her nostrils as she walked across the parking lot.

Stopping on the curve of the pavement, she casually glanced down the road, searching for a cab, as she felt warmth seep from a silent figure that stopped close behind her.

So lost in thought, her cop senses faded to broken as someone crossed into her personal space.

Just as she stiffened she heard the soft whisper of "Need a ride?" In her ear as a soft breath filtered out over her neck and shoulder.

Andy spun around before launching herself at Sam with such exasperation that he took a few steps back as she grabbed hold of him.

"Sam". She sighed it out as a fit of giggles escaped her lips.

"Miss me?". Sam whispered into her hair.

Andy playfully smacked his arm as she pulled away muttering "Dork" under her breath.

She had a healthy glow spanning the skin of her cheeks that seemed to sparkle in the street lights soft glow. Her smile was fully broken out in a display of sheer bliss at having him here.

"Why aren't you at Sarah's?". She suddenly blurted as Sam took her by the hand and led her towards the truck.

"She kicked me out again, said I should rather spend my time with you, but if you're busy I can...".

Sam felt Andy's hand slip out of his as she spun to stop him, a feint hint of a pout taking up residence on her lips.

"Really? You are such a..."

"Relentless optimism, that's what I love about you Mcnally". Sam said teasing her with a line he'd used on her before, in a moment unlike now, when she was in fact being optimistic.

Dragging her by her hand to the truck, they made their way to Andy's this time, Sam driving in silence but never letting go of the hand he still clutched.

They spent the rest of the night in silence, hardly feeling the need to talk.

Andy kept sneaking worried glances his way, her bottom lip infused between her teeth, but he never said a word, he left her to silently take her mental snap shots as he figured she was making memories.

Saturday morning came way too quickly, Sam again having spent most of the night watching Andy sleep.

It seemed as though this was lately his favorite past time, the only one he did without her, even though she was right there.

As the sunbeams filled the floor of her bedroom, he gently roused her, stating that he thought they should catch a early morning run, silently adding a 'for the last time' as he watched her slip into the bathroom to dress.

They took a slow run through the streets as they slowly filled with people starting out their Saturday morning. They moved down to the park that rested between Sam's and Andy's houses, running silently through the joggers footpath that flowed through it. Shrouded in the shade of the trees, Andy stopped and drew in huffed breaths as she leaned down and put her hands on her knees.

Sam stopped and doubled back to her, just in time to see her look up at him with a rather flushed face.

"You okay?"

She merely nodded at Sam's question.

"Why can't we be normal? Like go to the movies or out for ice-cream? No instead WE go for runs in the park and do suicide drills for fun".

"Mcnally, we will never be normal, nothing we ever do will be normal, its just not us".

Sam sighed as she stood up straight, to run the back of one of her hands over her forehead.

"Yeah, we just screw up and run!"

Sam was taken aback by her sudden anger as she turned away and started walking back in the direction they came from.

"Andy I'm not running, yeah I screwed up, but I'm not….."

"Me Sam, I always find a way to screw it up or run! I ran UC in the first place because I thought it would be easier, and I was hurting….. It was stupid, I should never have left! When you said….. when I was holding the grenade,…. I was scared but you were there, so I knew that everything was gonna be okay, when I was UC, it was like I needed you there, needed the reassurance that it was all gonna be okay. But now you're leaving and I have to do this alone, how am I supposed to do that? What am I supposed to do with that?"

"Andy, you're a good cop, you've proved it so many times, how can you even think that?" Sam could see the doubt wash over her face, doubt in her self and her ability to do her job.

"I know Sam, I know I can do it… I just don't want to do it without you" her voice was small and seemed to get lost in the wind as the soft breeze stole it away, but not before Sam heard her words.

Sam didn't have words to respond with, didn't have actions to comfort her, he was just blank.

It was as though she had taken his words 'I cant be a cop and be with you' and added a bit of her own spice so now it was more of a 'I cant be a cop without you'.

"Andy, you can do anything… whatever you set you're mind to, you can achieve it, because you have the passion to chase after what you want".

Andy stared at Sam with her eyes wide, her lip again being chewed by her teeth as she was biting back her words.

"Except you". She mumbled before looking down as though she was embarrassed by her declaration.

"Andy, I know this is hard, that's why I said if you can't do it, you need to just say the word, if you need to back out...".

"No! Uh-hu, out of the question Sam. We've got twenty-four hours left...".

"Okay then, let's stop the 'not having fun' and go for breakfast?". Sam asked holding out his hand to her, a silent indication that he didn't want the conversation to get any deeper than it was.

Andy nodded, as she laced her fingers through his, her heart weighing heavy as the final twenty-four hours began to count down.

They spent the day having breakfast before taking a walk down to the pier before going back to Andy's to pack an over night bag and heading over to Sam's.

He cooked her dinner, making her sit and watch from the kitchen island while sipping on a glass of wine.

After having dinner, movies on the couch was their plan for the rest of the night, as daylight faded to dusk.

Sam lay awake, Andy clutching his hand tighter than he had ever felt her hold his hand.

For the first time in a week, Sam heard her whimper and whine, mumbling incoherently as she slept.

Glancing at the soft red light of the alarm clock, Sam saw that it was three-fifteen am. Leaning over he gave Andy a soft kiss on her temple before prying his hand from hers and heading to the bathroom.

Oliver was picking him up at five to be on time to book in at six for a seven am flight that would last four hours.

He was not thrilled about the idea of flying, but it would beat the twelve hour drive.

After his shower Sam stood fully dressed in the doorway watching Andy as she still slept soundly.

He smiled at the pouting lips she had while her eyes seemed to flutter beneath their closed lids.

She was dreaming.

Moving to the kitchen, he put coffee on, before grabbing a pen and pad of paper from the kitchen drawer.

As if time was conspiring against him, Sam heard Older's car pull up outside, the engine running the only sound that alerted anyone to his presence.

Sam went back to his bedroom to drop a kiss on Andy's forehead, another whispered on her temple, as he propped the piece of paper up against her water bottle, and walking away in silence.

He decided yesterday, while they were in the park, that although it would break his heart, to spare hers he wouldn't say goodbye.

There would be no good morning, before there was a goodbye, no watching her tears stream down her face at the airport, no telling her he loved her one last time, so instead he left her a short note that would say everything he couldn't.

With one last look over his shoulder Sam left Andy sleeping in his bed, grabbed his packed duffel bag out the hallway closet, where he kept it out of Andy's sight, and closed the front door silently behind him as he left.

Andy woke up with a fright, as her body jerked itself awake from the deep thralls of sleep.

Her hand reached out to find cold sheets and empty pillows as she lifted her head and her eyes flew open to find an empty bed.

"Sam?". She instinctively called out when her ears met total silence in the house, although she smelt coffee.

Throwing back the covers, her feet hit the floor literally running over the smooth surface as she fled towards the kitchen.

Her calls went unanswered, as his name sounded out in panic.

Andy saw Sam's truck keys hanging up on their hook, silently still against the wooden back of the key holder.

She knew.

When she saw the keys there, and he was not, she knew he had left.

Silent pictures swept over her vision as she closed her eyes to shut reality out.

Before she took off running back to the bedroom in search of her phone.

She grabbed it forcefully as her fingers flew out and hit the speed dial, to have it go straight through to voicemail.

And a second time.

And a third time.

One thought was running through her mind, at high speed, one though that suddenly seemed worse that telling Sam she shot his father. It was a thought about what she didn't tell him.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Andy noticed the folded piece of paper, and hesitantly reached out for it.

Folding it open Andy read through Sam's words

'Dear Andy

Saying goodbye is too hard and I'm sorry I didn't, I just didn't know how to.

I've left the trucks keys and my spare house keys, so use the truck, stay in my house if you want to, sleep in my shirts, (they look way better on you anyway), but please stay safe.

No risks, no chances, and stay out of trouble!

Love always

S.S.

Did he seriously think it was easier to not say goodbye?

She was counting on him being there when she woke up, she was counting on him saying goodbye, so that she could say one tiny thing before he left.

She had to tell him one thing, and he was gone.

Andy glanced at the time on the alarm clock, a bright six-fifteen glowing in square digits.

Andy dropped the paper, leaving it to flutter down to the floor as she jumped up and ran back to the kitchen to put her hand on the coffee pot to feel its contents still fairly warm.

Running back to the bedroom, she grabbed her jeans and pulled them on after yanking off her sleeping shorts, before yanking off her pajama top and pulling a tank top on. She shoved her feet into her shoes, not bothering to find socks, and raced into the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face.

Her hair remained un-brushed, as it was collected into a really messy bun.

But she didn't care about her appearance right now, it was the last thought on her mind, as words like 'I'm too late' and 'this is gonna blow up in my face' sounded in her mind.

In under ten minutes she was out the door and in the truck, a mantra of 'please be delayed' running through her mind as she pulled out the driveway and headed towards the airport.

She was assuming that his flight would leave between six-thirty and seven-thirty, and prayed she could make the twenty minute drive in less than that, to make it in time.

She wanted her goodbye, and to have her say, even if it was a final say, she couldn't let him leave without knowing, without hearing her say it.

Reaching the airport parking lot, she parked before running to the departures terminal to be stopped dead in her tracks by the chaos nestled inside the building.

There were people everywhere, mostly standing still, their attention focused towards a group of people standing just in front of the boarding gate.

Moving towards the flight listings that lit up the board, Andy felt the panic as she read on time, and now boarding listed next to every flight.

Think, her mind screamed as she read through the list of destinations.

She had absolutely no idea where he was going, so she had no idea if he was even still here.

Turning around, her eyes began to scan the crowd for any sign of a familiar face, but it was hopeless, there were too many people and they were moving around too much.

Trust her luck for Sam to be leaving the day that the Maple Leafs are too.

The crowd that was out to support them, was really not helping her in her quest.

Spotting a familiar shade of dark hair, Andy suddenly let out a shrilled cry as she pushed through the mass of bodies to get closer to it.

"Sam". She breathed out the word as she put her hand on his arm as he turned.

"Sorry" Andy mumbled moving away.

When the stranger turned, Andy felt the last of her strong front slip as she saw it was not Sam.

Her last hope walking away with the stranger as she whispered out a muffled "Sam" as her eyes misted over while they hysterically scanned the crowd.

Her hand flew up to cover her lips as she turned around to see people milling around behind her, their faces rippling as her vision began to swim.

She was too late.

****Thanks for reading- hope you'll leave another awesome review!

Have an awesome day!

Jelly Bean Jenna©


	14. Sacrifice

Wow, thanks for blowing me away with all the awesome reviews & favs & follows!

Hope you'll enjoy this chapter, & my new one up, Trick or Treat, just for all of you celebrating Halloween!

Hope everyone in the US is okay after Sandy!

To my regulars & Kelly2727, thanks for rocking my world, if you're a newbie, welcome!

Chapter 14- Sacrifice

Sam stood watching Andy as she spun around frantically letting her eyes search through the crowd.

Would he ever learn not to underestimate her, or accept the fact that the universe would continue to conspire against them?

No matter what their plans were, or their ideas, it always seemed to get blown to crap, so how did he expect to leave without saying goodbye? Why did he even bother to entertain the idea that he would be able to slip away without have to put her through the heartbreaking motions of actually doing it?

He watched as her mouth seemed to form words, but the sound was drowned out by the noise of the crowd.

Silently she whirled around, her hand clamped over her lips as though her fingertips were holding back a gasp or a cry or a sob.

Her hair bounced around, some loose strands escaping the elastic band she no doubtedly pulled up hastily into what he assumed was meant to be a bun.

She kept spinning in all directions not giving up, although her face began to betray the look of fear and regret she now held.

She looked lost, defeated almost.

Walking towards her, he dropped his bag down on the floor, the sound of it too unheard as it hit the tiles. She had her back facing him, still holding onto the hope that there was a chance she would find him by looking in the direction of the gate that was now boarding passengers.

Sam gently put his hand on her shoulder, causing her to jump and step forwards as she turned at the same time.

For as long as Sam lived, he would not forget the joy that surged over her broken features as her eyes took him in and her brain registered seeing him. For all of eternity he would remember the way her face lit up and her eyes glazed over, before she snapped out of her initial shock and a slow smile made its way across her lips as she stepped forward rather tentevly.

Andy noticed Sam holding his arms out to the sides lifting them ever so slightly, inviting her closer without saying a word.

He didn't have to wait long for her answer, as she suddenly lunged forwards nearly knocking them both over.

"I didn't say it back". She mumbled into the crook of his neck as she held on tightly.

Sam wasn't quite sure what she meant, but nodded anyway.

A few feet away, a voice whispered "I thought she wasn't gonna be here", as their eyes took in the sight.

"Sammy said he didn't want her here, it would be too hard, so I dunno, she must have figured it out".

Sam looked up at that moment to meet the five sets of eyes watching them, when everything fell into place.

He tried booking in for his flight, but was told there was a problem with his ticket, that it had been changed to a nine am flight, in someone else's name.

The guy behind the info counter refused to give up the name of the new ticket holder, sighting it was against policy.

Sam couldn't flash his badge, coz he no longer had one. He returned it to Frank with his letter of resignation and signed transfer papers that were in the white envelope he asked Oliver to pass on.

His phone was off, left in his bedside drawer at his house, so calling Sally was out of the question.

It was then, when he was looking for a payphone to call Frank that he saw Andy circling around outside the departures gate amidst the supporters and family of the leaving Leaf's team.

Gently squeezing Andy, Sam ran his hands up her arms and gently pushed her away.

"No matter what happens, you've always got me". Sam said as he looked at her before letting his eyes move over to what he wanted her to see.

Or rather who.

He instinctively knew that today she was still getting her heart broken, now it was just going to be ripped out and shredded on a whole new level.

Andy eyes Sam, before letting her eyes follow in the direction his line of sight was cast in.

Andy turned, and felt the relief she felt at finding Sam suddenly rush out of her as her heart plummeted and hit the ground before shattering.

"No". She managed to whisper, as a hand came up to wipe away a strand of hair that had fallen over her eyes.

She was shaking her head violently as she let a long sad breath leave her lips.

"Got a minute?". Traci asked as she stepped closer, leaving her mother to stand with Leo and Noelle and a few bags.

"Don't...". Andy whispered out a little more broken than she intended it to sound.

Sam still had his hand on her shoulder, and gave her a light squeeze before motioning towards the coffee shop off to the right as he bent down and picked up his bag, before walking over to the others as they fell in step with him.

"Andy...".

"Trace...". They both spoke at the same time.

"Andy, I'm sorry I couldn't tell you, and it was only approved yesterday afternoon, so we had to pack...". Traci started as she kept her eyes down, as though she was afraid to see Andy's reaction.

"You traded?". Andy sort of yelled out, drawing a few ghosted stares from people in the terminal.

"I love you Andy, you're my best friend, but I can't stay here and do this anymore" Traci's tone was sharp, but wrapped in truth as a sudden flash of sorrow crossed her face.

"Do what Trace?".

"This, work, life here. Its not the same without Jerry. Its hard, its sad and this is my way of stopping Sam from doing the right thing, but making the biggest mistake of his life. Andy, this is my second chance, and its one for you and Sam...". Traci's words ended with a sob as she found the tears she was so desperately fighting were breaking free.

"Trace, what about Leo, you can't take him on this kind of UC with you!". Andy's concern for the child was evident as she suddenly voiced her biggest concern.

"Its okay, they shuffled us around, they're putting someone else in my place, and I'm gonna be keeping the detective status. I'm investigating, and carding, and interrogating, that's it".

Andy couldn't help the burst of pride that ran through her for her friend. She was an awesome cop, an even better detective, but most of all she was the worlds greatest mom.

"This is my chance Andy, its a huge pay raise, a good school for Leo, and my mom can go too, this is a new life for all of us, and for you guys too. I want this, and I need to do this, I can't be here without Jerry, I love you guys, but its just...empty you know".

Andy knew exactly what she meant, it was the way she felt when she was UC even though she had Nick.

"I know, but Trace, you don't have to do this, Sam is willing to take it..."

"To stop it from being you Andy. Don't you get what he would do for you? You have the chance to actually keep that now, and I know you want it, so let me do this okay? Some mistakes haunt you for the rest of you're life, so do some choices, but this...this feels right, this is the not something I'm ever gonna regret".

Traci's mind was made up, her arguments solid.

Andy nodded, knowing that there was no way she would change her mind now.

"Promise me you'll stay in touch Trace, like once a week, and come visit, and...". Andy let her words trail off, her tears breaking free as her lip found its way between her teeth.

"Once a week, and no matter what happens, I still love you". Traci said pulling Andy in for a hug.

Sam sat at the table, facing them as they said their goodbye.

He was still cast in a shadow of stunned shock that Nash was doing this.

Jerry would have been so proud of her right now, the thought caused a sad tug at his heartstrings as his mind dusted over his gone friend.

Life had taken many different turns since Jerry died, but they were righting themselves as time moved on.

He felt a strange sense of pride wash over him as he watched Nash wipe away her tears.

She was stepping up to the plate, taking life head on and winning.

"Um... Officer Swarek". Mrs Nash whispered as she leaned in towards Sam while Noelle and Leo talked away about how awesome their new life was going to be.

"Thank you". She whispered, a sad smile gracing her aged face.

She reached out and gave Sam's hand a soft squeeze before pulling it away.

Sam knew she was thanking him for looking out for Nash and Leo by taking the late calls and keeping her from selected cases. She was thanking him for the times he showed up after Andy left, to drag them out to dinner when Traci hit rock bottom and could barely get out of bed for work. It was for the times he sent her home with a new toy for Leo coz it caught his attention in the store window, and for the time he went out when she called for a flat tire.

Her eyes sparkled as she looked to the woman before looking back at him, a sigh escaping as her mind wheeled searching for words.

"I've waited a long time for this, she's ready you know". She said, leaving Sam to ponder her words as she stood up when Traci and Andy walked over.

The next few minutes were spent in tears, Traci thanking Noelle for being there when she needed a friend. Andy was kneeling down hugging Leo and whispering in his ear, as she let her eyes stay fixed on Traci. Next she said bye to Mrs Nash, before grabbing Traci in another long hug.

Traci had stepped up to Sam, giving him an unexpected hug, and saying a heartfelt thank you before mumbling a look after her before pulling away.

He smiled and said a rather loud thank you to her, so much meaning behind two simple words.

When their flight was announced as boarding, Traci and Andy were clinging to eachother all the way up to the security check before Traci eventually pried herself away.

Sam and Andy watched as Traci and her family walked through the gate, disappearing from sight as they set out to start a new life.

Sam had his arm wrapped around Andy, as she trembled, riddled with a new kind of sadness.

Pulling her close, he whispered three short words in her ear.

He felt Andy tense under his hand as it rested on her back.

Andy had come racing across the city to see him one last time, to get a chance to say goodbye, and instead she was confronted with the ultimate loss simply because her best friend decided that she was willing to make a sacrifice based on her own personal desire to break free of the dark cloud of sadness she found herself wrapped up in, and for the love of a friend.

"I didn't say it back, when you said it, and I couldn't let you go without hearing it…I just wanted…to say it back" Andy's words came out broken as she pulled away looking Sam in the eye.

"Andy if you weren't here now, you wouldn't have had the chance to say goodbye" he knew his words were not comforting enough, but he had to try.

"I know, and I love her more for it….. she gave up her life here, partly for us Sam, what are we supposed to even do with that? I mean its…its…."

"Andy, we make it work, and don't let her efforts go to waste" somewhere in the back of his mind he knew she needed reassurance, because now things had changed, he was staying and she needed to know that on his side he was gonna be putting up that fight.

"Do you mean that?" Andy had her lip between her teeth, a hand moving up to fiddle with her hair as she shifted from foot to foot.

She was nervous and hesitant, but he didn't blame her.

"Every single word of it" Sam said with a smile.

And he did.

Leading Andy through the crowd by her hand, he wished that their lives would be simple, less heartbreaking, because although she seemed okay now, tonight or tomorrow, Andy would be inconsolable when she started her day without her best friend.

*****okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .͡▹

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Jelly Bean Jenna©


	15. Crazy Beautiful

**Wow!**

**You all blew me away with the reviews for Chapter 14, so thank you for all the awesome reviews! **

**Thanks to Kelly2727 & all the regulars & welcome to the newbies!**

**A/N; apologies for the spelling! **

****** off the subject-Anyone that wants**

**The Fifty Shades Trilogy via email can PM me their email & I'll forward it. **

**This one's for- Mahtra!**

**Chapter 15- Crazy Beautiful**

It had been Seven weeks since Traci left, Andy having spent the first two reverting back to the pale shade of skin, and red rimmed and puffy eyed Andy that she seemed to be so close to loosing, as she steadily seemed to find the natural sense of Mcnally balance that she had managed to loose.

Sam would hover closer, linger longer and then pull away as he wondered if his closeness was suffocating her, just to find that the second he tried to pull away or back off, Andy would reach out and pull him closer, or she would step forwards and lessen the gap between them.

Since the day at the airport, she had never said those three words, she had said at the airport that she wanted to say it before he left, but now she seemed to be holding them back.

Sam knew that the feeling was still there, it was in the way she held his hand, or the way she would brush her lips over his to say hello and goodbye- something they had never really been into the first time around.

It was there in her eyes when she thought she was sneaking him glances, to find him watching her openly, causing a subtle red hue to return to the pasty white skin.

It was in the was she made him coffee in the morning if he stayed over, or the way she let him cook her dinner without getting in his way or stepping on his toes, instead she would keep him company and pass him a beer, deliberately letting her fingers brash over his as she handed it to him.

But it was never on her lips, although it looked like it was on the tip of her tongue, it seemed to die on her breath, never slipping free or being uttered.

Sam would whisper it in her ear as she lay sleeping with her head in his lap, while he would tenderly finger her dark locks as they washed over her back and shoulders, or he would kiss it against her forehead as she lay curled up on the couch, before he woke her up to go to bed.

He was reserved in expressing the words again for fear of making her feel like she had to say it back, had to say them out loud, when he knew it was there and that she meant it, so he said it while she was sleeping and showed her while she was awake.

Their routine was comfortable, and they seemed to grow closer than they had been the first time around, only now they didn't have a lable for themselves or their relationship.

There was no need.

But it was comfortable.

Traci sent regular emails or texts to Andy, making her day when she received them.

Her whole face would light up and Sam didn't need to ask if there was any particular reason behind her healthy glow or flowing smile.

She was back to being his Mcnally by the fifth week after Traci left, a little more of her crazy beautiful side showing, and a whole lot more of her blush.

They spent nights going back and forth between both their homes, neither complaining about the sleeping arrangements, or the mad running around the next morning.

It was a Wednesday morning when Andy woke up to find Sam still missing after being called out at around three am for a stabbing in a park, since he was back at fifteen, back on detective rotation like he never left.

It was a little after six when Andy heard her phone buzz, assuming it was Sam, she snatched it up and answered before looking at the screen.

"Hey" Andy all but giggled into the receiver.

"Andy, did I wake you?" Traci's voice filled her ear.

"Trace? No I'm wake, just thought you were Sam"

"And why would Sam be calling you at this time of the morning?" Traci's playfulness was evident in her voice as she stifled a giggle.

"Coz he's not here"

"And that's because?..."

"Seriously Trace, he went in on a call so I thought you were him".

"So everything's good with you guys?"

Traci was relentless with her interrogation skills.

"Really good" Andy sighed into Traci's ear.

"Okay, well can you guys maybe behave this weekend if I come to visit? And I mean behave!"

"What? You're coming back?"

"Only for Friday and Saturday, I leave on Sunday morning, so…. I kinda need a ride, can you pick me up from the airport, I land at nine-twenty"

"Sam can, I'm on shift. Oh I cant wait! I've like really missed you!" Andy was over-bubbling with excitement as she did a happy dance around the kitchen while putting coffee on and talking to Traci.

"Me too, okay I gotta run, let me know if Sam cant make it"

"Oh he will trust me, see you Trace"

Sam made it home in time to take Andy in to work, her new found exuberance fascinating him as he watched her hum around telling him that Nash was coming and he would be picking her up.

Wednesday flew by, so did Thursday, by Friday Andy was like an energizer bunny caught up in the feeling of bliss at spending time with Traci.

Sam dropped her off at the barn, before heading straight to the airport to beat traffic and not have to rush around last minute.

Traci eventually emerged from the arrivals gate, wearing a smile Sam realized he had actually missed while she was gone.

She seemed to leave a tiny little gap in his life too with her departure, and he had yet to thank her for so willingly trading with him to give him the one thing he desired most in his life- Andy Mcnally.

After a quick breakfast at a coffee shop, they left the airport, Sam asking how she found the line of work now, and Traci telling him she thought she was in detective heaven.

Sam stopped at his house for Traci to drop off her bag before taking her to the barn.

Milling around the kitchen while he waited for her to use the bathroom, his eyes fell on a box he had kept in his closet until last night.

The box was the pocket watch that Jerry had given him for being his best man, but it now somehow felt right that he in turn give it to someone.

It wasn't that he didn't want it, or that he was giving it away, it was more like he was passing it on.

When Traci walked into the kitchen, her eyes followed Sam's and she saw the box.

Sam was expecting her to get that teary-eyed look but instead she had a peaceful look cross her face as she smiled.

"Um…. I was kinda wondering what you did with that" she said as she walked over to it and picked it up, opening the lid.

It had been almost a year since Jerry had died, and she now looked like she had accepted it and was coping.

"Yeah, about that, I kinda want you to have it, for Leo when he's old enough"

"Sam, no it was a gift to you from Jerry, it meant the world to him, so keep….."

"Look Nash, its not that I don't want it, I just want Leo to have it more. Jerry was a good guy, and loved your kid like his own, Leo deserves to have something from Jerry. Other than the money I know you got, he needs to have this and I want you to give it to him….for me, please?"

Traci eyed Sam as a look of sadness rushed onto her face. It was probably one of the most prized possessions in the Swarek household, and Sam wanted Leo to have it.

"Sam, I don't even know what to say! Its just like….wow, seriously?" she watched as Sam nodded.

"On one condition, you keep it and give it to him when you think he's old enough?"

Sam's smile widened at her permission to do this.

"And I need you to do something for me?"

Sam watched as she seemed hesitant, not sure if her request would be something outrageous or not he nodded again and waited.

"Give this to Andy, not now, but someday" Traci almost mumbled under her breath as she stepped forwards and held out a small box as she took one of Sam's hands before putting the box into it.

Sam let his hand close around the box as Traci pulled her hand back, letting his fingers close around its square shape.

It wouldn't take a rocket scientist to know what contents the box held.

"Nash…... I….. cant….."

Sam said holding the box back out for her to reclaim.

She shook her head, a pout claiming her lips.

"Cant or wont Sam? She's ready and I so know you want this, so I want you to have that." Traci held out a finger to point to the box.

"I…. just don't know if I'm ready for this, or if she's really ready, but this….thank you, but I think I'll hand this one to Leo too, keep it in the family Nash, its what Jerry gave you, and its beautiful, and Andy would love it, but Leo deserves this too, for one day when you become a monster-in-law"

Sam tried to lighten the deep conversation, he was really honored that she was willingly offering up her engagement ring, but she had already given them so much.

"Seriously? You think I'll make a terrible mother-in-law someday?" Traci tried to keep her face stern but the mask was slipping.

"Nash you'll make an awesome granny one day too" Sam said letting out a chuckle.

"Hey its like way, way too early to be talking about this, and don't change the subject!"

See, that's why she's such a good detective.

"I'm not, I just don't know if this is the right time you know, she's been through hell over the last year, mostly because of what I put her through, I'm still working on getting her back". Sam ran a hand over his face.

This was a conversation he thought he'd be having with Sarah or Oliver, but Nash? He never would have thought it would be with her.

"Oh my god, you're scared she says no aren't you? That's why you haven't asked her, or even mentioned it have you?".

Damn Nash and her detective skills.

That was exactly why he hadn't.

He was even too scared to cross the boundary of asking her to move in.

"She won't you know, say no. She's waited for this since she met you, maybe you should think about it?".

That evil twinkle in her eye made him wonder if she was going to mention it to Andy.

Sam picked up the watch box where Traci put it back on the counter, opened it and put her ring box inside before snapping the lid closed.

His action made her smile, knowing there was some of the Legend of Jerry waiting for Leo one day.

They soon found themselves walking towards the barn after Sam parked the truck, a loud yell from Peck being yelled down the hallway as they stepped through the doors.

"Incoming". She called, snapping everyone's attention towards them as a few familiar faces made their way over.

Andy was still on patrol with Oliver, but soon had a call from Nick that Traci was here in the flesh.

Less than twenty minutes later, Andy returned to literally run up to Traci and throw herself into a hug that was equally returned.

They spent an hour over bad coffee catching up before they parted ways, Andy back out on patrol and Traci heading over to a Guns and Gangs meeting at another division, the reason she was back in Toronto.

Promising to meet at the Penny after shift, they parted ways, both excited to meet up later.

As Andy kissed Sam goodbye on the cheek, she saw Traci watch him with a smug look across her face, while Sam just looked at her like he was seeing her for the first time.

Watching Andy walk away, Traci went back over to Sam, and bumped shoulders with him, before mumbling a " She kissed you goodbye, in uniform, in the middle of the barn, and you don't think she's ready?".

Sam turned to Traci and shook his head, before whispering a "I don't think I'm ready" and walking away.

It was going to be one long weekend with Nash here.

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Jelly Bean Jenna©


	16. Giving you Forever

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**Chapter 16- Giving you Forever**

Shift glided past, allowing the group to meet up at the Penny a little after eight pm.

Traci was waiting with Noelle, Frank and Oliver when Sam and Andy finally showed up, Gail and Nick tagging behind them with Chris and Dov not far behind them.

It was like old times, their collective caught up at the Penny, only thing was, they were a little older and wiser and and a whole now loomed because Jerry was missing.

Music filled the room along with the clinking of glasses and the tones of soft laughs as the group settled into chairs taking up three tables so they could sit close by and catch up.

Gail was feeling adventurous and ordered a round of tequila, followed by Dov twenty minutes later, as beers filled the tables.

The hours spurred on as there was plenty of catching up, friendly banter filling the room.

Andy noticed that Sam was continuously watching her with that weird look in his eyes, the one that made her feel like he was looking through her, rather than at her, just as he had done at the barn earlier.

Oliver excused himself, waving Sam to join him as he waived his empty beer glass in front of his face, indicating that it was his round.

Sam moved over to stand next to Oliver who was watching the table, a sad expression on his face.

"Ever think they'd be the ones to change our lives?" Oliver said now waiving his empty glass towards the table.

"Just look at them, Peck showing us you've got to work harder than everyone else to get somewhere if you're a Peck, Epstein, he saved a life you know, got a heart transplant for a father of three kids when they shot that kid in front of Mcnally at Supernova, then a year later he shoots and kills a kid coz he's a good cop. Diaz, he's helped Collins shape up and fit in here, be less like robocop, and Nash, she put a smile on Jerry's face everyday up until the day he died. And Mcnally, well she got you to stay out of going UC, think you met your match with that one…I just don't get why you don't take it to the next level…."

"I'm not going to Vegas" Sam chuckled before turning to Liam to order the round.

"Well you stayed, so I think all you need to do now is ask her" Oliver looked Sam square in the eyes as he said his sentence.

"What's holding you back Sammy? There is something isn't there?"

Oliver was as bad as Traci, only it felt more natural to have this conversation with him than it had with her.

"Um….Nothing?"

"Uh-Hu, so why do you keep watching her like you're scared you're going to miss one of her heartbeats or a blink of her eyes?"

"It's not as simple as everyone seems to think, I don't know if….. how to say it for starters, but this is what I want, eventually, I kinda just don't want to rush into it, I'm still working on getting her back, and she can always say no, right?"

"She wont, trust me on that. You wont know unless you actually say the words Sammy"

Oliver ordered two tequilas for them, maybe giving Sam some liquid courage would help.

"Yeah I kinda figured that part out Brother, but right now we're good, really good. There's no need to screw it up before it starts right? She's had a rough time, and I do not want to rush into something that's going to make her feel backed into a corner or like I'm preassuring her into going down that road".

"And besides, she's just starting out, there is no need to pull a stupid ass move and rush into something" Sam added as he lifted his new beer to take a thirsty sip.

"Sammy you could just have said that you weren't ready, and you're scared she'll say no, I get it I really do, but if you start waiting, you're never gonna stop".

If only Oliver knew how right he actually was.

Thing was, Sam had already spent so much time waiting for her, waiting for her to get over Callaghan, waiting for her to come back from UC, but he wasn't tired of it. He'd wait till the end of time if it meant he got to keep her.

Sam looked towards the table to see Traci whispering in Andy's ear, causing her to shake her head and let a full flustered look cross her face.

To Sam, it was a sight for sore eyes, the most beautiful thing.

Her blush was so bright, Sam could see it all the way across the dimly lit room as they both looked up to find him staring at them.

He just hoped that between the shock and embarrassment that filled Andy's face that Traci had not said something.

Returning to the table with the drinks, the conversation between Sam and Oliver converted to knowing glances while they fell back into friendly conversation with the others.

Traci elected to stay at Andy's while Andy went home with Sam, and they soon found themselves tucked up in bed, another tiring day being left behind as Andy closed her eyes and waited for sleep to claim her.

She smiled in the darkness at remembering Traci's words of how much Sam had changed, and the strong changes Traci saw in her too, Traci now thinking that this time round they would get it right.

Andy agreed wholeheartedly with that, this time she thought they would make it.

She wanted them to make it.

Sam watched as her lips curled up in a slight smile, sweet dreams causing a physical display of the sheer bliss her heart was obviously feeling.

He was more than content with this, with them like this, with life. With her.

Granted there were a few key points still missing, but they did not leave gaping holes in their lives that needed immediate filling.

Kissing her goodnight against her hair, Sam whispered his usual short "Love you, more than you'll ever know" under his breath as he leaned in.

Sudden memories flashed through Andy's mind as she recalled similar soft spoken words from a while back, namely his declaration of 'I'd give up forever', before she let her free hand go out in search of his before locking fingers with his as she laced hers through his.

Sam tensed slightly, realizing that Andy was not yet clutched in the arms of sleep.

She gently squeezed his hand, a sign meant to show him that she was not upset, or pulling away by hearing him actually verbalize it.

She had wanted to say the same words to him before he left, but when Traci traded and Sam stayed, Andy was on the edge of fear of letting the words be said by herself. She was scared Sam would feel the need to say them back, and she didn't want him to feel obligated like he had too, although he had said them freely a few times, and then he just suddenly stopped saying them.

Andy could see he was trying to show her how much he loved her, but nothing gave her the storm of butterflies in her stomach, making her heart skip a few beats, like hearing him actually say those words.

Sam still hadn't relaxed, his breathing changing to a deeper inhaling and louder exhale like he was trying to suppress a groan at getting caught.

"Love you too Sam". Andy whispered, her lips barely moving as she tried to say them as gently as possible so that he would understand that she wanted to say them, wanted him to hear her say the words.

Sam let his arm tighten around her just a bit, words escaping him as his mind fluttered in a high of hearing her say them again.

He was somewhere between punch-drunk on love, and totally lost in euphoria.

And speechless, an all new one for him.

"You know I'd give you my forever". Andy said in a voice that was strong but small, lost somewhere between Sam's chin and the blanket she had tucked in under hers.

"Would you really?". Sam suddenly let the words out, breaking his silence.

"Sam, have I ever said anything I don't mean, okay, except maybe for the day I told you, you make crappy coffee when you're hungover, but that was your fault, because you made me drink all those shots... Sam what are you doing?".

Sam tapped Andy's hand so that she would move it, before rushing out of bed and grabbing his jeans and shirt and pulling them on.

"I gotta go do something". Sam said, wearing his dimples.

"Sam, its eleven-thirty-three, what do you have to go this time of the night?".

"Um...can't tell you". Sam replied as he sat down on the end of the bed to lace up his shoes.

"Sam...". Andy's tone was stern, almost carrying a warning as he continued to lace up the other shoe.

"Its nothing bad, I promise, just wait right here for me?".

Sam turned to face her as he stood up, smiling at the total disarray of hair that was strewn out over the pale pillows.

His tone was almost pleading, causing Andy to sit up, as she realized that he wanted her to stay here and not rush out the door, back to her own condo the minute he was out the door.

"Sam..."

"One hour Andy, I just need one hour".

That made Andy even more on edge, the fact that he could give her a time frame, and he was never late.

Ever.

"Okay, one hour Sam".

She felt bad for treating him like a child, but his sudden erratic behavior had her slightly worried.

It was late, but at least he switched to soda way before they left the Penny, so he was okay to drive.

Sam leaned over to kiss the top of her head, before walking to the chair and grabbing his jacket and shrugged it on, then he retrieved his phone and keys from the bedside table as he stopped in front of her, looking a little worried.

"One hour, promise me you'll be here when I get back?".

Sam had Andy really worried, he was totally panicked over the idea that she wouldn't be here when he came back from wherever he suddenly had to rush off to.

"I promise". Andy said managing a huge smile, as she watched him turn and leave the room, then the house as she heard him close the front door.

The instant the words left Andy's mouth, Sam felt his heart skip a beat before it shuddered and came to a complete stop.

He hadn't expected them, and they just blew him away, even more than they had the very first time she blurted them out.

Maybe because he so desperately longed to say them to her while she was awake, but also to hear her say them of her own free will when she was ready.

Sam thought nothing would ever top that feeling, until she added 'You know I'd give you my forever'. In that single split second, Sam thought he'd died and gone to heaven.

But this was all wrong.

The timing.

The moment.

The way it was happening.

Time seemed to stand still, the world around them only revolving in the room, everything else void and inconsequential.

Before Sam could contain his sudden urge, he was out of bed and getting dressed.

This was one opportunity he was not going to let pass him by.

His brain automatically seemed to snap out of its momentary lapse in working as he turned to see Andy staring at him with the widest eyes he'd ever seen her bare.

She must have realized that she was doing it because as soon as it appeared it was gone when she managed to school her expression. Before it turned to a mix of worry and a little confusion.

He didn't need to go far, but he needed to go, and he needed to go right now.

Making her promise to stay, Sam left his house, mentally trying to prepare himself for the next hour.

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .͡▹**

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	17. Daddy's Little Girl

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**Chapter 17- Daddy's Little Girl**

Sam sat looking at the house shrouded in darkness, although he was nowhere near second guessing his decision, it just felt strange being here without her, even though she couldn't really be here now.

The words nervous and on edge didn't really quite cover what he was feeling right now, hypnotic and scared crapless might be better definitions.

This was one thing that he was going to do properly, the right way. He was seriously old school when it came to certain things, and this one, well this one was at the top of his old school list.

Exhaling a long, deep breath, Sam finally got out his truck, closed the door gently, hit the remote, and walked over to the door before ringing the bell and hoping there wouldn't be a shotgun that came into view as soon as the door swung open.

After all the owner of this particular house is a licensed gun holder, and to the best of his knowledge, is in possession of a registered gun.

Waiting impatiently, Sam was about to ring the bell again when he heard the dead bolt slide free and the door swung open.

"Sam, is she...".

"She's fine, at home in bed. Can we uh...maybe talk?".

Sam wasn't quite sure how this was going to play out, especially at this time of the night, obviously having pulled the man from sleep, but he was going to follow this through right now, no matter what.

"Sure". Tommy said stepping aside so that Sam could enter his house.

Tommy made coffee while Sam looked at photos of Andy growing up that hung on the hallway wall. He'd seen them a million times, but he would never get tired of seeing them, or her.

Standing in front of his favorite one, (the one where Andy was holding an ice cream at about sixteen, and had her head thrown back in a fit of laughter as she had the red tint to her cheeks that he so sorely loved, her eyes were virtually glassy, she was laughing so much, but that smile, that smile was enough to melt him on the spot, even though her teeth were covered in the shiny metal of braces, she was just breathtaking in that photo because she was simply carefree and it showed) sam didn't notice the look that passed over Tommy as he watched Sam staring at the photo, lost in whatever he found so fascinating about that particular one.

"So I guess this is something along the lines of 'The Talk' isn't it?".

Sam wasn't surprised, the man was smart, and a detective in better years.

"Um...yeah Sir, I guess it is". Sam said, adding the Sir for good measure, as they took seats opposite eachother on the couches in the lounge.

"You know, I had this whole speech planned from the time Andy was still a kid, and over the years I've changed it. But now, now I'm not so sure that anything I planned to say is relevant anymore". Tommy said into his cup before taking a sip.

Sam just watched him, trying to decipher if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"Is she...".

"No". Sam let out a rueful smile at having this conversation with a former cop he patrolled with, regarding his daughter.

He silently added a 'not yet', before looking into his own cup, afraid his face would give away his thoughts.

"Why now? Why not the last time the two of you tried this?".

Tommy's question made Sam snap his head up, his features carefully schooled.

"I was no where near ready then, neither was she".

'Its like being UC Sam, keep it as close to the truth as possible, without revealing the nasty side of things, and he won't shoot you' Sam's mind suddenly screamed.

He was nervous and knew it was showing, as the carefully tightened edges he kept stern began to fray as they became worn and tattered.

But maybe showing Tommy the truth would be a wise decision.

"Fair enough, but what makes you think either of you are ready this time around?".

Tommy was grilling him, eyebrow raised, full interrogation mode.

"I'm not sure, I just know I'm ready and I want this, her...".

"And what does my daughter want?".

Sam resisted rolling his eyes, Tommy was giving him a hard time, and the slight hint of a feint smile made Sam think he was actually enjoying it.

"I don't know. Look Tommy, I screwed up the last time around, I'm not gonna do it a second time. And I don't plan on walking away again, ever. While she was gone, I had time to think it over, and day after day I lived with my stupid mistake, and I promised myself I would never do that to her again, because if it felt that bad for me, how did she feel?".

Tommy took another sip of his coffee but never took his eyes off Sam, he let them glare over the rim of his coffee mug as he tilted it up to free its hot contents.

"And you're dad?".

Ah, the penny dropped, as Sam heard his words. Tommy was worried about a hidden resentment that he may harbor towards Andy for killing his dad.

"He was my father, never my dad Tommy. He was around on and off until I was about eleven or twelve. He chose his career as a cop over his family, before he walked away and never came back. Yes he did it to protect us, but at what price? And by then it was a little too late to protect Sarah".

As Sam spoke, he realized for the first time that he did have resentment buried deep inside, but it was only directed at the person that caused it- his dad.

The resentment came from knowing that their father was to blame for Sarah's attack, even though their dad was doing his job, doing what Sam did now, the resentment was born from the idea that it could have been prevented.

"He was so used to wearing the uniform, that he couldn't take it off, and in the end, it got him killed. I will never blame Andy for that, that's on Sally Boyd, and the rest of her team, for not letting Andy and Collins in on the secret, for running their UC's like a Boyd- in the dark. I can't even imagine what it would have been like if it was the other way around I ...".

Sam found that moment the perfect time to look down and find the beige rug interesting as he averted his gaze to get himself back under control.

Sam had let that thought roll around in his brain after Andy had told him what happened. He tried to distance himself from their situation back then and really try and take a look from a different perspective, but it was still the same- he would have died with her that day if it had been her instead of his dad.

"Can you guarantee that you will never resent her, never hate her for what happened?". Tommy was upping his game, hitting where it hurt and hitting hard.

"Yes Sir I can. When she came back, she was... Troubled, lost, unhealthy, but she told me the truth, herself. I respect that more than anything I know anyone has ever done. That took more guts than most people have, but she's strong and she's passionate, and even though I know it was tough on her, that is one of the proudest moments I've ever had, she faces things head on. It took her a while to get there, but when she told me...I felt like I could go dig him up, and shoot him again just for putting her through that".

Sam had seriously entertained that idea for the split second when he first thought about it.

"And your sister. How does she feel?".

"We're on the same page Sir. About all of it. She went to see Andy without telling me, and told her she doesn't blame her before I did". That still had Sam feeling a little guilty.

Insanely guilty.

Sam took another sip of his coffee, only to find no liquid pass over his lips. He had been so wrapped up in this conversation that he'd finished his coffee without even noticing he had.

"And Jerry?".

Tommy was trying to kill him, he was sure of it.

"Um... Sir, that was another stupid mistake on my part. I pushed Andy away because I was scared, watching Jerry like that, it could just as easily have been me watching her, or her watching me. I failed as a friend that day, a mistake I will never make again with anyone that has that title, and least of all Andy".

Sam suddenly felt relieved at finally letting those words out into the open. It was something he held onto, held back.

"I know what you did for Andy, by trading, I just don't get why?".

"Sir watching her come back as a broken soul because of what it did to her, knowing I put her there in the first place was enough punishment to remind me for a lifetime what being UC can do to a person. I... I couldn't let her go back and do it all over again... getting to have her for the week before I was supposed to leave, I got to bring a small part of her back that I thought was lost forever, and I don't want to give that up, I want to work at it everyday, work at getting her back".

Wow, Sam was on a roll and surprising himself, Tommy too judging by the slightly shocked look on his face as his eyebrows furrowed slightly.

"You broke my daughters heart Swarek, you walked away when she needed you, I only have one daughter, how am I supposed to know you won't do that..."

Sam was expecting the topic of him walking away to surface sometime in the conversation, he had prepared himself for that question or topic in some way or form because Claire Mcnally had done the same thing, only difference was she walked out on her husband and left her daughter behind.

He wouldn't hold it against Tommy for mentioning it, because after he himself had been through it, and the fact that Sam had already walked away once, he just wanted to protect his little girl, something Sam respected him for a little more.

"Sir with all due respect". Sam was feeling his tone lace with anger as his words rose to the surface.

"You don't know that, but I know I won't walk away again. Ever. No matter what happens, no matter what we go through. I lost her once because I was a complete, total and utter ass, but that mistake will never be repeated. I fell in love with Andy, just the way she is. The strong willed, stubborn Andy, the one that when she trusts you, its something you look after, because when that's gone there is nothing left. The Andy that runs head first into every situation she can, the more dangerous the faster she runs into it, the Andy that's always late, and the one that can't wake up without her coffee, the Andy that has a lions heart that she is so willing to share, that it sometimes scares me. The Andy that wears that same lions heart on her sleeve for the world to see, and isn't ashamed because she does it. The Andy that was willing to choose me over her career as a cop when Brennan took me, Andy that was trading her biggest passion in life, being a cop because I got made,- for me. The Andy I fall a little more in love with everyday, because she is just so...Andy. Her best friend traded with me to give us a chance at actually doing this, she gave up her life, her friends, for us to do this, but this...this is what I want, she's what I want, and Sir, I came here tonight to ask your permission to ask Andy to marry me, because if there's one thing we're gonna do right, its this. Along the way we've both made mistakes and hurt eachother, but if there's one thing I've learned from making those mistakes, and how we've done things, its that walking away isn't worth it. Letting her go, isn't worth it".

Sam let out a deep breath as he finished his rant. If he had to put up a fight to get Andy, and sort of go up against Tommy Mcnally to do it, he would at least try the subtle approach first.

Tommy just eyed him, suspiciously, taking in Sam's word as his tone became more forceful with every word he spoke.

"Swarek, I get that you may never walk away willingly or knowingly, but can you promise me that above all else, that you will never break my daughters heart again?".

Was this guy for real?

They had been going around in circles for close to an hour now, and they had only repeated the same things, just using different words.

Sam was getting frustrated, because he had promised Andy that he'd only be gone an hour, and that hour was almost gone.

And Tommy was just not co-operating.

"No Sir, that is one thing I can never promise". Sam said looking at the floor.

In all honesty, his words were true, he couldn't promise that.

And he wasn't about to start lying to get what he wanted. Basing a relationship on lies, that was just asking for more trouble than they were already in.

"Then Sam, I'm sorry, but no, I can not give you my permission".

Tommy sighed the words out, a look of remorse filling his eyes as he carefully watched Sam.

Sam's jaw hit the floor, as he huffed out a "What?" On a sad, longing voice.

******* Okay, sorry for doing that, but I kind of couldn't resist!**

**The next chapter or two will make up for it though I promise!**

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	18. Crash & Burn

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**Chapter 18- Crash & Burn**

Sam stared at Tommy, the sound of rushing blood and his stammering heartbeat filling his ears as the world seemed to wash away in denial.

"I'm sorry, if you can't promise me that then no..."

"Tommy, _seriously_? I _can't_ promise that. I would never break her heart again knowingly, but you know what? If she loves me the way I love her, then one day I'm going to die, and her heart will be broken, or one day I might just be a stupid ass and hurt her feelings, or piss her off, so no I can't promise you that, because I'm _done _breaking my promises. That promise, I can't make because _I can't control it_, and I can't guarantee that its never going to happen, so I'm sorry but _no_, I can't promise not to break her heart".

Sam was pleading, begging not far from his tone as his eyes dimmed to dark orbs that seemed to have their lifelight dim and flicker with a smaller flame as his hopes seemed to be dashed.

"Okay, I get that, and you know what? _That Son_ is the only reason I will say _yes_, terms and conditions pending".

Sam stared at Tommy, his head spinning from the total one-eighty degree turn the man had just done.

He was just as bad as Sarah was, with her ability to go from hot to cold or left to right in two seconds flat.

Tommy had been testing him and it seemed like his words or his reaction were what seemed to change his mind, or a combination of both.

Sam, still stuck between disbelief and relief as his mind relayed the yes to the far corners.

His lips pulled up into what Tommy would describe as the biggest dimpled grin he had ever seen Swarek wear.

"Is that a yes?". Sam just needed a little clearer clarification here, before his ecstatic feeling lunged and plummeted to the depths of a no, if he misunderstood.

"Yes, it is. Because you can't promise that, and because you didn't lie, I will say yes. As long as we can come to an agreement?".

Sam had a feeling Tommy's 'agreement' was either going to send him running for the state lines or it would solidify their relationship.

Tommy stood up and disappeared, before returning, and looking into the palm of his hand before closing it and holding it out for Sam to take whatever his hand held clutched tightly.

"Condition one, you consider giving these to Andy. They were her mothers, the only thing besides Andy she left behind the night she left. They were my mothers, but if you want something more..._original_, please feel free to decline".

Tommy put the rings into Sam's outstretched hand, the soft clink of them echoing through the room as they came to rest in the centre of his palm.

Sam looked up at Tommy as he closed his hand over the rings, a bewildered look on his face.

He was apparently struck speechless by all entities of Mcnally by the looks of things.

"And the second is that Andy _has _to say yes the _first time you ask her. No second chances, no do-overs, its one shot at this Swarek, and only one"_.

Tommy had a really proud look on his face in that moment that made Sam's insides turn to the warm mushy kind, the kind that's a mixture between hot chocolate and marshmallows.

"Sir, I..."

"Don't say anything yet, and don't thank me, she hasn't said yes yet". Tommy said with a wink.

"Now Son, I believe you have a question for me?". Tommy said hovering in front of Sam, who felt his smile slip off his lips just a little.

Tommy wanted to make him squirm for as long as he could by making him actually ask the question.

Sam had stated that he was here to ask Tommy's permission to ask Andy, but he never actually asked the question.

Although he had managed to get the no converted to a yes, Sam was kind of fumbling for words as his lips stumbled before he looked down at the rings in his hand, swept his eyes over to his favorite photo of Andy and back to Tommy before standing up.

"Sir may I marry your daughter?".

Wow, Sam felt the words roll off his tongue and over his lips like they were the easiest words in the world, like they came naturally.

Tommy smiled before nodding, Andy's taste had defiantly improved since she bought home that detective, Cullingham, or Cullinen or whatever his name was.

Sam's hour was up, he was in fact already ten minutes late, he had to go before Andy lost the tiny amount of trust she had recently built up in him.

"I'm sorry I've gotta go now...thank you". Sam said sticking his hand out towards Tommy.

Tommy took it and shook it before shaking his head, "You're going to do it now? You can't do that!". Tommy seemed to disapprove of Sam going to Andy and doing it right now, no planning no preparation.

"Sir, right now is the best time". Sam said as Tommy walked him to the door.

"She said it back, so I'm going to go with that, and never let it get away again".

Tommy shook his head again as he watched Sam walk over to his truck before driving away.

He had no idea what Andy had said, but it seemed to have flipped some kind of switch on in Swarek, not that he was moaning.

Tommy always knew that Swarek would be the one to tame his daughter, she had that look in her eye ever since he came into her life. Tommy was almost sure about it, even before she knew or before there was anything between them, going back to Sam's TO days and Andy's really early Rookie days.

Sam's heart was a flurry of activity, racing and stammering away, before it stopped and started again.

The words Sarah used in their childhood suddenly rang to mind, because he sort of had an idea now of what she meant when she said 'your heart will bleed lumpy custard'.

He let out a soft chuckle at the memory, she was crying over a boy she liked that didn't like her back as much, when they were in grade school, and Sam had asked why she was crying so she told him because a boy made her cry. He'd been curious and asked what he'd done, so Sarah had told him "he made my heart bleed lumpy custard", and back then Sam had no idea what she meant, but now, he understood perfectly.

Parking the truck in his driveway, Sam pulled out his phone, before sending Sarah a quick text, simply reading, ' Lumpy Custard'.

Making his way inside, Sam tried to be as quiet as he could, not wanting to scare Andy, as he heard she was watching CSI in the bedroom, probably engrossed up to her eyeballs in it.

Tip toeing into the bedroom, Sam found Andy fast asleep, her leg and hand thrown over his side of the bed, so she would know when he was home, something she always did if he got called out during the night.

Sam slid the rings into his jeans pocket as he stepped closer, she looked so peaceful he wouldn't wake her, no matter how much he wanted to, besides they still had tomorrow.

Sam shed the clothes he had pulled on earlier in silence, his eyes trailing over her in the flickering light of the tv.

She really had changed from the Andy that came back to more of the old Andy.

Her skin would find its pink hue a lot easier than the pale shade that she bore then. Her curves that had faded in her time away had returned in all the right places, her healthy tanned glow had become evident from time in the sun. Her smile had disappeared, but now it was there, brightening his day and making his heart flutter. Hell it even ignited the room if she was in it and a small tug played on her lips.

Sam sat down on the edge of the bed, slight disappointment running through him as he turned to carry on watching her sleep.

He could do it for hours, even though it was probably kinda really creepy and stalkerish, but he really didn't care, he would just get so lost in the image of her succumbed to slumber that it took his breath away, didn't matter how many times he did it.

"Hey" Andy whispered not bothering to open her eyes.

Sam slightly startled, let out a breathy "hi" in return as she moved back to her side of the bed.

"What time is it?". Andy asked as Sam got comfortable and turned down the volume on the tv.

"A little after one?". Sam said, wincing at the word one. He promised an hour, and he was gone an hour and a half, and she fell asleep waiting for him, making him feel really guilty now.

"Really?". Andy's tone was a little off-ish, like she wasn't quite upset, more a little curious and just failing to hide it.

"Yup". Sam said as Andy slid over and made herself comfortable with her head resting on his shoulder.

"And you're late because...". If she didn't have a mischievous twinkle in her eye, Sam would have thought he was in deep crap.

"I got held up". Sam wasn't giving away the faintest detail, no matter how much she wiggled the finger she had him wrapped around.

"You're not in trouble or something are you?". Andy's head lifting to look at him as her tome turned serious.

"Nope". Sam knew she was taunting him, trying to get the truth out of him.

He also knew that he was punishing himself for not following through with his original plan, especially after getting this far.

"Can I ask you something?". Sam said when Andy left the subject alone.

"Mmm-mmm". She mumbled into his neck, a flush of hot air flowing out over his skin.

"Do you ever see us...you know, married one day?".

Not quite how he pictured that going.

"What happened to not making plans?". Andy mumbled as Sam felt her lift her head again to look at him.

"What happened to 'screw the five year plan'?". Sam shifted his head to turn to face her properly as he answered a question with a question. His eyebrows lifting in that smug look that would cross his face when he knew he had her in a tight spot.

"I asked first". Andy said, her voice kinda sounding a little high pitched before she lay her head back down.

"Nope, I did, original question, do you ever see us...".

"I heard you Sam". Andy seemed kind of like she was pulling away, distancing herself.

Sam felt his breath get stuck somewhere between his lungs and his heart, as he waited for her to elaborate.

"Do you remember what I said before you left, when you thought I was sleeping?".

"About giving me your forever?".

Andy nodded and Sam waited.

Andy let out a loud sigh, Sam drew in a deep breath and let it fill his lungs and linger.

His heart skipped a beat as he felt her lips move, her mouth opening and closing, but no sound coming out.

Then suddenly, Sam felt and heard the loud breath she forced out, as she tried to calm herself, making his heart race even more, as he closed his eyes and waited for the no, or I don't think so, or whatever word choice she chose to use to let him down gently.

"That's the thing Sam, I would really give you my forever, rather than give it up, so yeah, you know, I do see us...I don't know...there...".

Sam let out his jammed breath, it wasn't a no, but it wasn't a yes either, she couldn't even really get the word married vocalized.

"When?". The word spiraled out of his mouth, surprising him as much as it would her.

"When?". If Andy was attempting to play coy and hide she was doing a pretty good job of it, but as soon as the question left his mouth he needed an answer.

"Yeah when do you see us getting married, now, later? Three years, five, ten years from now?".

Sam decided she was now out to torture him slowly, before killing him quietly. This was the worst conversation they had probably ever had, and she wasn't making it any easier, but if he could just pull himself together, they might actually get somewhere.

"I don't know Sam, its not something I've really thought about and scheduled in my diary".

Ouch, feisty Mcnally was coming out to play.

"But you've thought about it?".

Andy nodded again, afraid her voice would betray exactly how much she had thought about it.

"So there is absolutely no time frame in your mind at all? How about right now?".

"Sam, did you go and consume more tequila while you were out?".

Sam rolled his eyes at her lack of listening skills, when he thought they could communicate so well without words.

Lifting his arm so Andy would move off it Sam sat up and waved a hand in the air that she should do the same, before twirling his finger around showing her he wanted her to turn and face him.

Sam's face was probably cast in stone right now as he mulled over the right words to use, without causing her to withdraw back into a shell.

Tommy said he had one shot, and only one shot, so he had to make every word count.

He had to respect the mans request.

"What? Now?". Andy asked evidently phased by what he was asking.

"Yes now, what would you say if I asked you right now to marry me tomorrow?"

'Smooth Sammy' a voice whispered in his mind, he still had his one shot at asking the question, because he had just asked her what she would say if he asked her, so technically, that wasn't actually asking the question.

"Um...seriously?".

Andy seemed to turn to the brightest shade of red he had ever seen her wear, it crept up her neck and towards her cheeks, even lighting her ears up.

She seemed kind of dazed as she just watched him for any sign that he was joking or drunk or possessed.

Sam was relieved that she at least didn't look away.

"Yeah Andy seriously. Would you?".

Andy felt her legs turn to jelly as she felt her whole body begin to tremble, and was a little more than grateful that she was still sitting on the bed.

"You went to see my dad?". Her voice seemed lost in the enormous silence that settled in the room.

Her eyes widening at the realization of what was actually happening.

Sam nodded as he broke his gaze from her to cast his eyes to the tv for a full thirty seconds before looking back at her.

He was chewing the inside of his cheek, a clear sign that he had more to say, but was biting the words back.

Andy had her lip caught between her teeth, and the instant his eyes fixed back on her, she dropped her gaze to her hands that found eachother very interesting as they seemed to find themselves wrapped up together.

If Sam had gone to see her dad, and come home and asked her that, then somewhere in their conversation her dad had given Sam his blessing, because Sam was not the type to go against a fathers wishes to not marry his daughter.

"What did he say?". Andy turned her head up to see Sam from under her lashes, expectantly waiting for an answer.

"It doesn't matter". Sam replied softly before cursing his vocabulary, that was probably not the best thing to say.

"It matters to me Sam".

Okay, so she really went there. She really wanted to know.

Sam decided to test the waters a little more, facing the huge possibility of getting burned, and badly, but her reaction might just give him a better idea of what chances he had of getting a yes, because up until now, she seemed stoic and schooled even though she seemed responsive, she seemed to be pulling away, and that was the last thing he wanted right now.

Reaching out for her hand, sam whispered a soft "He said no" and waited.

Judging by her face, he was about to crash and burn.

********okay this chapter was getting really long, so I've split it in two. **

**Hope Tommy redeemed himself, and there's more of me making it up to you in the next chapter, so keep watching this space!**

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .͡▹**

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	19. Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

**I really can't thank you all enough for the super awesome reviews, alerts & follows! You guys are the best, thank you!**

**Special thanks to Kelly2727 & all the regulars & welcome to the newbies!**

**Chapter 19- Yesterday, Today and Tommorow. **

Andy's eyes widened before he saw them mist up, as though his words had broken her heart. Her pink cheeks started to drain, the red fluster running to white as his words sliced through her.

Andy seemed to zone out as his words sunk in, Sam immediately regretting them.

"Andy, he said no, but I got..."

"Why would he even do that? He has no right...".

Just like he thought, he got burned.

Badly!

She was upset but mad too, not a good combination in the moment, this was not how this was supposed to go.

"Andy, why does it matter what he said? I got him..."

"No Sam, he can't do this! Luke never asked and he kinda seemed to approve, you ask and he says no? I always wanted him to approve of me or what I did, its part of the reason I became a cop, and now he says no? I always said I'd only get married once Sam, no matter how many guys I dated, or how many times I got engaged, I would only get married once, and he's screwing it up!".

Andy pulled her hand back mid rant, as she let the harsh words out, a hand running through her hair in frustration as she stood up off the bed and paced up and down in front of it before flopping down in front of Sam who was staring at her intently.

Sam couldn't help the smirk that took over his lips and the relief he felt at her last sentence.

"Andy, I'm trying to tell you he said yes, after he said no, but with conditions". Sam didn't let his words carry out loudly, they came out in a whispered hush, but still made Andy's attention snap back to Sam, considering she was sitting really close, like almost in his lap, right there close.

"He did?". Andy's lips perked up into a hide toothy grin, her voice a little high pitched, as if she was disbelieving of what she had just heard.

"Wait terms and conditions pending right?". Sam nodded.

"He used to do that to me as a kid too. So what were his terms?".

Andy suddenly felt like an unseen forcefield wrapper around her, as butterflies launched off in her stomach.

Sometimes her dads 'terms and conditions' were just out of reach, even though they were in full view.

They would hang there taunting you, making you reach out and let your fingertips miss them by the width of a strand of hair.

Sudden thoughts of him doing that to Sam made her want to scream as a little panic settled in on her at the prospect.

"Nothing I can't make happen". Sam said as he watched her face brighten at such simple words.

"Sam!". That was obviously not an answer she was going to let him get away with.

"Andy, that's between me and your dad, its nice that you want to know, but no, not gonna happen".

"Sam, I ...just tell me". Andy put her lips out in a pout, reminding Sam of the photo Tommy had on the wall where she was about five and pulling the same face.

And when the pout came out to play, Sam lost all will to not tell her.

"Um... Wait right here". Sam said holding up a finger and getting out of bed in a similar fashion to how he had earlier.

Grabbing his jeans, he retrieved the items from his pocket before settling back on the bed.

"Condition one was that I consider giving you something. But this is my condition, not yours, so you can say no".

Sam watched as Andy eyed him in confusion, not having the faintest idea what was in his hand.

"Condition two is that you...". Sam trailed off, not wanting to make it sound like it was all on her now, even though it was.

Pausing for a minute, Sam tried again.

"My second condition is that I get one shot to ask you, no do-overs, no second chances, you have to...I only get one try".

The words filed out of their own accord, nearly saying what he didn't want to say- you have to say yes the first time I ask, when she actually didn't.

Sam knew she only had to say yes if she wanted to, no more, no less, no matter what Tommy had requested.

Sam held out his hand, letting his fingers slowly open to reveal the two tiny gold bands that seemed to loose size in the palm of his hands.

He heard Andy gasp, before her hand flew up to cover her mouth.

"My mothers rings?He gave those to you?". Her voice was muffled from behind her hand, but Sam heard every word clearly before nodding his reply.

"He actually took them out and handed them over?".

She seemed shocked at the fact that Tommy had given him the rings.

"You don't have to take them Andy, I took them because I wanted to offer them to you because they mean so much to him, but we can always get you something else that...".

"No!". Andy's voice suddenly rang out a few levels too loudly as she snaked her hand out to Sam's to take hold of the gold bands.

"They're perfect".

Taking a deep breath, Andy continued,

"Sam, these were all I ever wanted growing up, but he wouldn't give them to me. He said I could have them the day I get married when I'm sure that it will be the one and only time that I was so adamant on, and he said that if he didn't approve, or thought I was making a mistake, I wouldn't get them. I would only get them if he approved of my decision and he respected the man I was going to marry because he respects me... And he gave them to you".

Andy was staring at Sam like she was seeing him sprout a second head, like everything else around him had evaporated into oblivion, leaving only him in her line of vision.

Okay, so if Sam was honest, her words after his little meeting with Tommy, they really just took his breath away, as it seeped into his mind that Tommy thought enough of him and approved of him to let him have the rings.

But Sam also remembered that Tommy had said his 'The Talk' speech had changed over the years.

"I asked him when...you know Luke and I got engaged if I could have the band and he said no, that they would stay together, so I asked for both and he still said no". Andy mumbled as she eyed the rings, as though she heard Sam's thoughts.

Sam was grateful for her words, knowing that had been a little over two years ago rather than a lifetime ago, so Tommy's words were not said and outdated by now.

There was still some relevance in them.

"So, gonna let me have your forever?" Sam couldn't quite contain himself any longer as he asked in his own way, the whole normal 'will you marry me?' Just not quite fitting to them.

Andy nodded as she looked back to him, her lips pulling into the biggest smile he had ever seen on her.

"When?". She whispered as she remembered his question from earlier 'what would you say if I asked you now to marry me tomorrow?'.

And Sam's answer did not come out as any different.

A/N: I'm looking for someone to write a poem for my next fic, anyone interested can send me a PM, & I'll send you details, coz I'm looking to add a little something different & there is a fandom of great writers out there, so let me know?

******** So hope you like it, I really don't see Sam doing the traditional thing, so this is my version. **

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .͡▹**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	20. Twenty-Five to Life

**Thanks once again for all your awesome reviews, & to Jess, for leaving number 350!**

**Your response to this has blown me away, so thanks for making my day everytime I've posted! **

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**Welcome to the newbies, leave a review and introduce yourselves!**

**Chapter 20- Twenty-Five to Life **

It had been two weeks since Traci came to visit and Sam went to see Tommy. Life was stable, and good.

They had come a long way over the last few weeks.

Sam had the same shift as Andy today, so they arrived at work together before Sam whispered in her ear that he had left a surprise in her locker for her as they parted ways in the hallway outside the woman's locker room.

When Andy stopped in front of her locker, she couldn't get the door open fast enough in search of whatever Sam had left for her.

She hated surprises, but if it was something Sam left her, well then she couldn't wait to see what he had in store for her, and she barely managed to contain herself as she fumbled with the task of opening the door.

The sight that met her eyes was breathtaking, and made her feel like there was a whole world of new trouble on the way.

Two days later Andy made her way into parade just in time to see Noelle take to the podium and start with "Best is late, so I'm starting" as she called order to the room.

While Noelle was briefing on assignments for the day, Frank walked in, closed the door, and walked up to her before whispering in her ear as she bent down to listen before she snatched a piece of paper from his hand as she lifted it up and let her eyes scan it.

Best stepped around her before clearing his throat and staring at Sam.

"Yesterday Officer Williams bought a small discrepancy to my attention, that seems to be no discrepancy at all. Mcnally, mind joining me up here?". Frank said arching an eyebrow before focusing his gaze on her.

Andy stood up and turned to face Sam for a split second before seeing him nod, as she turned and made her way to stand in the front of the room, all eyes focused solely now on her.

"Can anyone tell me what's wrong with Mcnally's uniform?". Frank said waiving a hand towards Andy who found her boots super interesting.

Everyone in the room shook their head, as a soft chatter filled the room.

"No-one? Well let me give you all a hint then- Mcnally!". Frank all but yelled out.

"Oh my god, she's wearing Swarek's name badge". Gail suddenly yelled above the din of voices, her voice missing sarcasm but wrapped in humor.

"Close enough Peck, but it seems that Mcnally is, according to the magistrates office, now wearing her own name tag, can anyone give me a reason why that is?".

A collection of answers rang out as the voices raised in the room.

Frank raised a hand to draw silence to the room before he spoke again.

"It appears that Mcnally has been wearing the new name tag for a while now, and it escapes me how none of you seem to know this, isn't that right Officer Shaw?".

Oliver held out his hands in surrender, it wasn't his news to share or his story to tell, so he never let it pass his lips.

"It seems that in a room full of cops, only three of them knew about this and one noticed it in passing, so if you're still not with me I'll spell it out for you, it seems that Officer Mcnally is now Officer Swarek because she married Detective Swarek two weeks ago, with Officer Shaw, Sarah Swarek, Tommy Mcnally and Detective Nash in attendance according to the witness signatures, and felt that it was not important enough to share with the rest of the division".

Frank had a smile on his face as he waived the paper around, breaking the news to their colleagues and friends amidst a few loud cheers and a range of clapping and whistles.

"So for that, today's pairing are Mcnally and Shaw front desk indefinitely". He just couldn't resist the urge to let them know he was not happy about finding this out from a name tag.

"Oh and one more thing, congratulations, we have a small wedding gift for you Mcn...Swarek, Collins get the door".

Nick stood up off the edge of the desk he perched on in the back of the room, and opened the door to a sight that made his day.

"Traci?". Andy suddenly whispered as she saw Traci standing in the doorway, Leo in front of her as she had her hands resting on his shoulders.

Traci lifted a hand and managed a small wave as she stepped into the room, Leo running straight into Andy open arms as she bent down to envelope him in a hug.

"Guess what Aunty Andy?". Leo blurted as he knocked a bent down Andy over onto her backside as he tackled her full force.

"What buddy?". Andy asked between giggles.

"Mom's boss said she's gotta move back, so we're home coz I missed you like a million crazies". Leo giggled as Andy tickled him.

Looking up Andy saw Traci walk over to stop in front of her as she was warmly welcomed back by everyone else.

"You're back?". Andy whispered in disbelief as she managed to stand up off the floor as Traci nodded.

"Yeah, major punishment for keeping a secret, got transferred back by request, so I'm going to be around a while". She said as Andy lunged forward and enveloped her in a tight hug.

"But Trace, I thought it was better, what you wanted?". Andy whispered into Traci's ear.

"So did I, but seems like Sam saw right through my smoke and mirrors". She whispered back.

"Sam?".

Traci nodded into Andy's shoulder.

"He requested my transfer back with the Commissioner and Superintendent Peck, and had a little help from Frank, so I get to keep all my benefits and be stationed here, but still working with Guns and Gangs".

The news seemed to flow through Andy as she realized this was one of the reasons she loved Sam a little more everyday, he was just so selfless and giving.

"But you want to be here right?". It suddenly occurred to Andy that Traci was here because they expected it from her, and not because she wants to be here.

"Andy, I don't ever want to be anywhere else ever again".

Frank clearing his throat behind them, broke up their brief reunion, as they parted ways and Andy walked towards her new favorite place in the station- front desk.

Noelle stopped next to Frank with an evil look on her face as she whispered, "Watch this" to him before turning back down the hallway and yelling out "Hey Swarek" to see both Sam and Andy spin around and answer her from the different directions they were headed in.

"Carry on". She added smiling as she swayed gently left to right like a naughty child.

"You do know how wrong that was right?". Frank said trying to keep his tone strong.

Noelle nodded and added a quirky, "Yeah but it was fun" before walking away.

She had been dying to do that since she noticed Mcnally's name tag read Swarek, but had to first make sure it wasn't just a mix up.

Sam watched as Andy's face lit up at seeing Traci and Leo.

When Traci left two weeks ago, it was like watching Andy go through the same heartbreak she had at the airport the first time.

And without having to think about it Sam knew it would be like this every single time Traci came to visit and left again.

Deciding then and there as he watched Andy blindly swipe away at her tears, he would try to get Traci transferred back.

He spoke to Frank on Monday morning, ignoring the questions of "Why are you fighting so hard for this", and suppressing the answer of 'because I want to get Nash back as a wedding present for Andy, because we got married on Saturday' instead he merely mumbled a "She doesn't have her head in the game Frank, this is why, and it needs to be fixed!" so Frank obliged and sent through the application.

When it was approved Sam asked Andy what she planned on doing with her condo now that she moved in with him, because he didn't want her to give it up, it was hers, a sign of her independence and freedom, hanging invisibly on the set of keys.

Andy's reply had been to sell it, which Sam refused to hear of, so he instead suggested she hang on to it for a month before deciding, and that she maybe consider renting it out, knowing that it would be the perfect solution for when Nash came back. She would after all need a place to stay.

It was the perfect!

As the day dragged by, Andy found herself repeatedly lost up in thoughts of Sam applying to have Traci transferred back, an action so obviously meant for her, to shower her with love and to bring back the only really missing piece of happiness in her life.

A blissful smile enveloped her lips as she zoned out while Oliver sat and watched her lose herself in contentment.

The last year had been tough on everyone at fifteen, but especially on Traci, Sam and Andy.

Each having their own grief to deal with, with the loss of Jerry, then the break-up between Sam and Andy that just got really ugly really quickly, before she decided to take a giant leap and move on.

Oliver's thoughts reflected over the day she returned and watching her appear as such a damaged, broken soul.

The look on Sam's face that day as he was restricted access to her, before he became too scared to approach her, and rather distanced himself was one that would forever linger in Oliver's memories as he watched Sam's face show all the regret and heartbreak he had been through.

Mcnally had the same look on her face that day, only hers did not improve as the days passed as Sam's had, instead it only got worse until the day she told Sam about shooting his dad.

Oliver was so proud of her when Sam told him the entire story, after he had tried to convince him to keep her at an arm's length, to save her the heartbreak of him leaving.

Never before had he really found the respect he had for her in another rookie, never before had he seen the determination twinkle in a rookies eye as he did with her.

Granted she had nearly given him a few heart attacks, but her courageous streak made her hasty actions forgivable.

When she had gone to Frank and told him the truth about her and Sam while he was UC working Brennan, Oliver was mad at how the events turned out, but he was more afraid for his friend than anything else, although he came across to her as disappointed, or pissed with her, but he wasn't.

He was envious in a way that she found it so easy to be such a good, humble soul when he remembered almost shooting the crazy druggie that smacked his daughter around, just because he was a cop who had a gun, and the piece of garbage deserved a bullet to the brain.

Watching Mcnally lost in thought as she stared off into space with a huge smile on her face, he was proud of her for fighting for Sam.

He had watched as she blossomed as a cop, while he watched Sam fall hopelessly in love with such an innocent soul, and couldn't have been happier for them both, especially after Sam had probably saved his marriage when Zoe had filed for a divorce.

If it weren't for friends like these, his belief in humanity still being human would have faded a long time ago.

Drinks at the Penny that night were flowing freely, glasses reappearing automatically before their drinks were even half empty.

Rounds of congratulations passed from everyone to Sam and Andy, with no sign of any un-forgiven unhappiness at the fact that virtually no one was invited.

Noelle had eventually stepped up and asked to be told the details on how Andy managed to eventually get Sam to the alter in secret, much to Sam's amusement.

Andy let the red sweep over her face as Sam retold the story of how she had not really agreed when he literally ran out the door to seek a blessing from Tommy to return home and get Andy to agree to tie the knot, with her thinking that he was joking when he had said 'tomorrow' to be woken up at the crack of dawn to get hold of Tommy and Traci to meet them at the courthouse when Sarah arrived at eight am after Sam got up to phone her in the middle of the night when Andy had finally surrendered to sleep.

Noelle being the adventurous type, disappeared before coming back with the biggest glass Andy had ever seen, filled to the brim with a blue liquid and some ice, with a few cherry's floating around in it.

"I propose a toast to Andy Mcnally Swarek, the doe-eyed rookie that has not only proven her worth as a dedicated cop, faithful friend and got-your-back kinda partner, but also for being awesome enough to sweep Swarek off his feet and make him drag her to the alter without her putting up a fuss! Now Officer Swarek, you have made your bed, and have to lie in it, and make us lots of little Mini-Me-Mcnally- Swarek-Baby-Cops. So here's to your Twenty-Five to life sentence, may you be blissfully incarcerate in love, and handcuffed to eachother as long as you both shall live".

Noelle put the glass down in front of Andy, just as Sam had a smirk wrap over his lips.

"Not so fast Brother". Oliver said putting the same glass of contents down in front of him and whipping out two ridiculously long straws.

"See this is the part where you have to prove to us that you wear the pants in this marriage, so you're going to down that through the straw and finish before Mcnally aren't you?". Sam didn't miss the wink he threw in Andy's direction as his words grew cold.

"The rule is, first one finished...". Oliver said with more amusement.

Sam arched an eyebrow at the request.

They sure didn't play around when it came to a little revenge for not having a wedding like normal people.

Noelle began to count down as Sam and Andy both lined their drinks up, straws in mouth as Noelle hit one, Sam began emptying his glass, as Andy sat back and passed hers over to Oliver.

"I'm done". She added as a range of laughs filled their tables.

"That's cheating". Sam said impressed with her way of getting out of getting fully loaded on one glass of alcohol.

"Rules Brother, said first one finished, not first one to drink their glass dry, thanks mcnally". Oliver said passing the glass to Dov who would undoubtedly enjoy every last sip.

"She really is your match Brother, even at drinks". Oliver said patting Sam on the back.

She really was.

******** thanks for reading, hope you'll review!**

**This might be the last chapter, depending on feedback, might do one or two more with the origonal introdution of Boo, let me know if you want more!**

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .͡▹**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna© **


	21. Brakes & Bullets

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**Chapter 21- Brakes and Bullets**

As the weeks passed, Traci, Mrs Nash and Leo settled into Andy's condo, rather grateful that she had picked a sunny two bedroom rather than the one bedroom she was originally eyeing when she was condo hunting.

Andy and Oliver were only on indefinite desk duty for a week, before Best traded them out with Peck and Collins who were found making out in interrogation room three by Best himself.

Sam and Andy were on a whole new level, progressing more and more everyday, his temper calming as he became more placid, and her, well Andy would find her face colorful everytime Sam walked into the room she was in.

Her sunny disposition returned, as did her smile, which permanently took up residence on her lips.

As the months drifted by on the calendar, weeks having faded to distant memories, life at fifteen was more like it used to be before the proverbial crap hit the fan a little over a year ago.

A new batch of rookies found their way to fifteen, each of them being assigned to one of the former rookies, now TO's.

Andy would patrol on her own often, as would everyone else from her close knit group of friends, their ability to do their jobs and trust from their Staff Sergeant being passed between all of them in turn.

Andy found herself on the north side of town, a slow day as she patrolled the outer skirts of their divisions lines when she stopped for coffee and a sandwich before pulling out the alley back towards the road.

As she took the corner, sudden movement caught her eye, just past the nose of the cruiser as she slammed on brakes, but not before she felt the sudden jolt of hitting something meshing with the abrupt halt the brakes caused.

The only thought that ran through her mind in that instant as she pinched her eyes closed for a brief second, blew out a long breath, and tried to still the tremors that began taking over her body was, 'please don't be a child'.

The low angle of visibility made her first panicked thoughts run wild as she presumed that she had in fact run over a child, every drivers worst nightmare.

Reaching for the radio, Andy called it in to dispatch, citing only a light MVA with an unseen object and the street address, but adding a need for a bus.

'Just in case' her mind screamed.

The second her hand let go of the receiver, her phone rang flashing Oliver's name across the screen.

"Hey". Her voice seemed strange, even to her own ears.

"You okay there Mcnally?".

She could hear Chris calling in as back up, while Oliver spoke loudly over the sirens.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I drove over something...".

"Did you see..."

"No Oliver I can't see over the hood I...". By now her voice was shaking as badly as her hands were.

"Stay in the cruiser, Mcnally, and stay parked, we're on our way". Oliver was tempted to hang up, but her voice kept him a little longer.

"Oliver, I didn't see...what if I hit a ch..."

"Mcnally, don't even go there okay, sit tight and stay in the cruiser, we're less than two minutes away".

"Okay".

Oliver and Nick arrived, Chris pulling up right behind them, Nick stopping at Andy's window while Oliver walked straight past to bend down in front of the cruiser as Andy leaned forwards and stretched up to get a better look through the windscreen.

"Oliver?".

Oliver stood back up, before making his way to Andy's window and leaning in as soon as Chris gave him space.

"Andy, you ran over a dog, it looks like a Labrador, its hurt, but I need you to back up a little okay?".

"What? No! I can't, I might run over,...".

"Out, Diaz, back up until I tell you to stop okay?". Oliver looked between Andy and Chris as he spoke before pulling the door open so Andy could get out and Chris could climb in.

As Chris started the engine, Oliver moved back around to the front of the cruiser, where a low growl emanated, making Oliver step back as soon as he stepped forwards.

"Collins, get animal control down here".

Oliver kept his eyes trained on the dog as its snarling and growling seemed to become more forceful the closer he stepped, its jaw snapping forcefully in warning as its teeth were bared.

Andy moved past Oliver and hesitantly stepped forwards towards the dog as its snarling became a painful whine.

"Mcnally...". Oliver's tone bore warning as she kept inching towards the dog as it still lay half under the hood of the car.

"Hey buddy". Andy whispered as she stepped closer to the maimed animal, her face wrinkling in a stressed expression as she noted the dogs light fur tainted with the crimson of its blood.

"Chris back up slowly, she won't bite". Andy whispered as she knelt down a foot away from the dog, her hand gently snaking out to wipe across its sleek white hair as her hand brushed the top of its head.

The dog lay its head down next to its front paw, the light shade of its fur in sharp contrast to the dirty grey of the tar.

Sam heard about the call seconds after it was made, Andy's unit number being the reason Frank went looking for him, and lucky for him, he happened to be in his office signing discharge papers for a suspect to be released.

Ten seconds after Frank's words were said Sam was out the door heading for his truck.

Arriving at the scene Sam found Collins with his gun pointed at the dog while Oliver seemed to be walking down the sidewalk after Andy who was obviously no where near remotely herself.

Once Chris had backed away enough Andy saw the gash in the dog's side, and the swell of its stomach as she pushed it over to lay down on its side, stroking its soft fur while whispering soft words of comfort and apology.

"Andy, you need to walk away now". Oliver said as he put a hand on her shoulder.

Andy's head snapped up to see Oliver wearing a grim expression as she let his words sink in.

"No Oliver, we can take it to the vet...".

"Andy, look the dogs hurt, its bleeding badly, and from the swelling, it looks like its badly hurt, its better for the dog...". Oliver wasn't quite sure how she would react, but the dog was clearly suffering.

"Andy, just walk away".

Andy stood up, swiping a tear away as it made its presence known on her cheek before walking away.

Oliver was right, the dog was suffering, and she was to blame.

She edged down the sidewalk, her boots hammering on the pavement as she tried to flee before the gunshot would ring through the air.

Sam put his hand on Collins' gun, forcing him to lower it before moving over to the dog as he surveyed the amount of blood the dog had lost amidst whines that caused a shudder to run through him.

Leaving the dog, Sam ran down the sidewalk in search of Andy, already knowing how devastated she probably felt at running over a innocent animal.

Sam caught up with her, to gently grab her hand as it made its way down from its face after swiping the visible tears away.

"Andy...".

"Sam...I hit...". Her words were cut off as she choked out a sob.

"I know, let's get her to the vet?".

"Sam...".

"Andy, she's hurt, and before Collins shoots her we'll ask a vet okay?".

If this was how it had to be done to pacify her, then this was how it would happen.

At least if the vet had to put the dog down, it was kinder than leaving Andy to remember the sound of the gunshot as it would echo through her memories.

Thirty minutes later, they had the dog at a local vet, Sam willingly having driven it over in the back of his truck on the blankets from the back of the cruisers, and Diaz making sure it didn't jump off.

The vet first seemed skeptical, but after Andy pulled out the pout and mixed them with the natural tears, the vet went behind closed doors to asses the animal.

After fourty-five minutes of waiting, the vet returned, a sad look gracing his chubby, middle aged face.

"I'm sorry, she's badly hurt, but she's pregnant too, and that complicates things. Its risky to try and save her, not to mention the cost because she would have to stay until she delivers. She is a healthy, young dog, she had a home, she was looked after so she wasn't a stray, she might have had the chance if she weren't pregnant,...". His words weren't even fully out when Sam slipped out a credit card and let it click down on the top of the counter.

He'd carefully been eyeing Andy's reaction to the vet's words, her disgust evident when he mentioned money.

"We've got it covered". Sam said nodding at the card.

"She's wearing a collar, can I have it...in case there's a number...". Andy felt like she may just have to tell a family that she used a cruiser to kill their beloved pet.

"It doesn't have a number it just says Zara". The vet said walking away.

The receptionist returned with a mountain of paperwork for them to fill in, while she mumbled that the vet was going to prep Zara for surgery to stop the internal bleeding, and that she would call with news when there was any.

Andy stared at the woman from under her eye lashes, a look crossing her face that told Sam she was using all self restraint from smacking the un-curtious expression off her face.

Reluctantly leaving the vets, Andy kept her head hung in shame as they crossed the street to find Chris leaning against the back of the truck.

"Oh Chris, we forgot you were here". Andy whispered

"Andy, its okay, you were busy" Chris managed to flash one of his forgiving smiles, he really didn't mind waiting.

Sam drove them back to the barn, Andy disappearing straight into the locker room as soon as her feet hit the floor.

Noelle found her twenty minutes later when she went looking for her so that she could get her statement about nearly trashing a cruiser.

She was just sitting on the bench in the locker room, her skin a ghostly white shade as she whispered "I feel sick".

As soon as Andy was relieved from shift, she grabbed Sam's keys and mumbled a soft "I'm gonna stop at the vet's, call me when you're done?" before racing out the door.

Sam shook his head as he watched her leave the barn while he had paperwork to finish, if she was like this over an injured stray, how would she be if they had kids?

The thought made Sam smile, the appeal of him and Andy having kids was just the most vivid of thoughts that felt right.

If she ever had any doubts as to how much of a good mother she would make, this story would be the one he used to still her doubts and fears.

An hour and a half later, Sam noticed Oliver lurking outside his office door, an eyebrow lifted in the silent question of 'Where's Mcnally? And why are you still here?'

"Can you drop me off at the vets, she went to check on Zara".

Sam stated rather than asked, knowing Oliver would drop him off, even if it wasn't so close to his house.

"Zara?"

"The Labrador, she had a tag, but no number" Sam said as he shut down his computer.

Sam pushed open the glass door of the vet's office, the overpowering stench of disinfectant sweeping over him as he stepped through the doorway.

The sight that met his eyes, made a sad smile slip in to place as he found Andy curled up on a chair, leaning against the wall sleeping.

She had huddled in a far corner of the room, her knees drawn up and her sneakers resting silently where they should not be, on the chair in front of her.

The receptionist eyed Sam disapprovingly as she noticed him enter the room, a clear sign that she did not think it fitting for a woman to be sleeping in the waiting room.

"Hey, Sweetheart" Sam whispered as he moved over to kneel down next to Andy and put his hand over hers that were tightly clenched together in her lap.

Andy's eyes flew open as she abruptly straightened up back into a sitting position as she swung her feet down to meet the floor.

"Urg" she groaned as she stretched out, before eyeing the room and Sam suspiciously.

"Oliver dropped me off, lets get you home, we'll come back in the morning?"

Sam held his hand out, waiting for her to take it as she ran her hands up and down her thighs, as she tried to shake the cloudiness of slumber away.

"Oh Sam, I'm so sorry, I'm just so tired. What time is it?"

"Twenty to nine, they're closing at nine anyway, so lets get you home to bed" Sam could see she was tired lately, and as much as he tried to leave her to sleep a little later, she would set her alarm to get up early so they could go for a run, or spend a bit of time sparring in the gym. Sam knew she just wanted to spend time with him, their hectic work schedules and split in career departments now bringing them less time to be together. Sam would willingly have left her to sleep, content to watch her was enough for him, just knowing that when her eyes fluttered open he would be met with that huge morning smile, and usually a flash of pink that would spray across her face as she realized that he was again watching her sleep.

They left the vet, Andy in a cloud of silence as he drove them home.

"She'll be okay, she's still young, and healthy, so...". Sam said without turning to look at her as he pulled into their driveway.

"Sam don't okay, I ran her over, you heard the vet, she's badly hurt, pregnant and has internal bleeding. A human wouldn't survive that, so how would a dog that I ran into because I didn't look where I was going?".

Andy slammed the truck door as she jumped out, her voice lace with enough anger and just enough heartfelt hurt that Sam figured he might just end up on the couch for the first time since they had... Well actually, the first time ever.

Walking into the house Sam heard the water running, Andy having raced straight into the shower.

When she came out the bathroom half an hour later, she stopped dead in her tracks to glare at Sam.

Like really glare.

"Andy, it wasn't your fault, and I dint mean it like that...".

"Sam have you ever run over a dog?". Her tone was cold, her eyes shifting around as aggitation began brimming below the surface.

"Stop, we're not going there. No I haven't run over a dog, but I once ran over a cyclist". Sam said grinning.

"Sam seriously, I'm not kidding!". He found the memory humerous, and Andy just didn't appreciate it.

"Andy, the guy was drunk, I stopped at a red light behind him just as he stopped peddling, the light turned green so I inched forward but he stopped dead and kinda forgot to put his feet down, or peddel, so he just kinda slumped over, as I moved forwards". Sam watched Andy's face contort to a little smile at the cyclists stupidity.

"Seriously?".

"Yup, how'd you think I met Oliver?".

"No way?". Andy's face broke in to a huge smile at that piece of well kept secret.

"Yup, we were in college, and he just left Zoe's dorm room, and I was just picking Sarah up on campus and suddenly bam, like two blocks from the campus he stops, doesn't put his feet out and I pull away. It was the very first time we met, and we only met up again when we both went to the academy".

That was enough to set Andy off into a fit of giggles.

"That's...that's worse than anything Dov has ever done". Andy was breathless, but managed to find the words.

Samm nodded in agreement, as he held out his hand to see Andy's happiness dissolve as memories plauged her mind.

"Thank you". Andy whispered, not sure if she meant it about Zara, his story of Oliver, or just far everything.

Andy reached out and took Sam's hand, just as his dimples made an appearence, showing that she was forgiven for her tiny outburst earlier.

The doorbell ringing interrupted the moment as Sam mumbled a "Dinner's here" befor letting go of Andy's hand and heading for the door.

If his charm and dimples didn't work on shifting her mood to a little happier, then he knew ordering her some Sweet Thai Chilli Chicken and pasta would work its magic.

Andy smiled as she watched Sam walk to answer the door, he really was the best thing that walked into her life, and life without him, well that just wasn't an option.

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**Jelly Bean Jenna© **


	22. Restless

**Thank you all for the awesome response to this fic, you have seriously blown me away! **

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**Chapter 22- Restless**

At the crack of dawn the next morning Andy was out of bed and charging through the shower in a bid to leave early enough to swing past the vets.

Sam watched her, struck in awe of her ability to fall in love with a stray animal, so freely. Her natural ability to just become passionate about something making its presence known as concern for the animals wellbeing gave her a restless nights sleep.

"Give me ten, I'll go with you?" Sam said while Andy scrambled around and ducked down next to the side of the bed in search of what Sam presumed to be her other shoe.

His words made her head pop back up as she eyed him through a really disheveled head of curtained hair, her lips parted in a brilliant smile.

"Really?"

"Yeah, let me hit the shower, then we can go" Sam said as he hopped off the side of his bed, his eyes catching sight of her backside sticking out from behind the bed, causing a wicked grin to consume his face.

"You'd give up a run to go with me to see Zara?" Andy sounded like she was struggling to fathom his actions by searching for a reason.

Sam nodded before running a hand through his hair and lifting an eyebrow before mumbling "Provided you find your shoe" before walking towards the bathroom. She really had a great ass.

They arrived at the vet's to find the receptionist unlocking the door, a distasteful look on her face at seeing them here so early in the morning, defiantly a sign that they were ruining her early morning.

She let out a loud sigh before holding the door open for them to follow her in.

Lights flickered on, and moments later her computer screen lit up flashing a picture of couple with two cute kids.

She proceeded rather tediously to search on her computer for something before they heard the printer jump to life.

"Doctor's report says that surgery went well, she seems to be really strong. Her internal bleeding seems to have stopped and her pregnancy seems normal, but he will however be keeping her in until she delivers".

The receptionist read the report out in a mundane voice.

Sam just rolled his eyes at her lack of enthusiasm, before letting them settle on Andy who had a grin like it was christmas morning.

"Can I see her?". She suddenly blurted before the receptionist sighed and pointed to a white door.

A few minutes later they found themselves in a small room aligned with cages, some small some large, some high up, some on the ground before Andy suddenly seemed to find who she was looking for.

"Hey girl". She whispered bending down to stroke the dog through the large wire bars.

Zara's ears perked up as she leaned into Andy's touch breaking away occasionally to lick her hand.

Sam stepped closer, to hear a low growl from Zara as he neared Andy, her teeth pulling in to view as she drew her lips back in warning.

"Sssshhhh its okay, its just Sam". Andy whispered as Sam found his feet frozen to the floor, worried that any more forward motion would cause the dog to snap and maybe bite Andy.

"Andy, maybe you should move away?".

"She won't bite me Sam, she did the same thing to Oliver, its just like she's protective". Andy kept stroking Zara's head while the dog had her eyes focused solely on Sam.

"Really? Dog's don't usually do that".

"Do what?".

"Protect someone they don't know". Sam tempted fate by taking a step forwards to have Zara respond by barking at him viciously.

"Sam stop doing that!". Andy scolded.

He had just wanted to test the theory.

After Andy had her fill of stroking the dog, and settled her worries, she finally stood up and whispered a goodbye, before taking Sam's hand and walking out.

The routine would follow day after day, Andy making daily trips at random times to see Zara, each time after the first, she would take the dog a treat or a new toy, or something.

This was how things went for the next two weeks until one day after shift, in the cold throws of the winter weather they arrived at the vet to find eight new additions to Zara's family.

Three boys and five girls, although they looked a lot fuzzier than Zara was. The vet suspected the breed to be rotweiler, hence the fuzzy balls they appeared to be. Some were the same shade as Zara, with one snow white and one pitch black.

"I'll keep them a week, and then they can all go home". The vet said leaving Sam and Andy to watch Zara with her pups.

"And exactly where is home?". Sam said arching an eyebrow as he turned to face Andy.

"Um...I don't have that one figured out yet". Andy said not taking her eyes off the dogs.

"Thought so". Sam mumbled, he already knew that she had her heart set on taking them home, and he did make a promise to never intentionally break her heart, so he had made a few inquiries about a dog box, and bulk food and a few other items. They were ordered but on hold for delivery until he knew what was going to happen to Zara and her pups.

The week flew by, Sam having his orders delivered the saturday morning that he was due to collect the dogs.

The look on Andy's face was priceless that morning when she answered the door when the doorbell rang to find a extra large bog box, bags of dog food & toys, supplements and virtually every other doggy item you could think of being delivered.

"Sam...you did all this? How'd I not even know about this?". Andy whispered as her eyes sparkled.

"You weren't supposed to". Sam said his dimples flaring as he went out to help the guys off load the truck.

When everything was settled, Andy stood and watched Sam as he looked at the dog box like it was just wrong.

"You don't have to do this you know". Andy whispered as she wrapped her arms around him, interlocking her hands in front of his chest, her cheek resting between his shoulders.

"But you want me too" Sam whispered as he let one of his hands close over hers.

"Yeah, I do but it doesn't mean you have to do it Sam". Her tone was becoming slightly agitated, something that happened regularly with her lately.

Andy tried to pull her hands away, Sam tightening his to keep them in place.

"Andy, I wouldn't do it if I didn't want to, I was just thinking about something".

That much Andy had gathered by just watching him.

Sam stood and surveyed everything, a sudden thought of eight kids keeping the eight puppies busy.

He had thought long and hard about approaching the subject of parenthood, but everytime he tried, he clammed up. The words would stay stuck in his mouth, the thoughts in his mind.

He was worried that Andy would pull away at the mention of the words kids, draw back into the shell she had used to hide in.

They'd come so far, and been married a little over six months, kids was already a scary idea to her, her fear of failing like her mother had holding her back.

But if Sam could have ten right now with her he would.

"Let's go fetch the rest of the family". Sam said tapping his hand against hers before he got anymore lost in his imagination.

Three hours later, Zara and her litter of eight were well settled, Sam having to first let Zara sniff and lick him as Andy moved to hold out her hand to him, showing Zara that he wouldn't harm her, but still receiving a sniffed growl in return.

Zara had improved immensely since her accident. She was stable on her own feet, and had dissolving stitches from surgery so she only had to come back for a check up in six weeks.

Sam stood watching Andy smothering Zara and her pups with love, her giving, caring side coming out in full force when Sam went looking for her to find her crawled into Zara's new wooden home.

As the sunrises turned to sunsets, two weeks passed.

The puppies were now mobile and finding their feet as they moved around on their own. Their cheeky yaps and playful foot nipping the highlight of Andy's morning when she went out in the cold to the back deck where Sam had moved the dogs when the first snow started falling.

Winter was here, Andy grateful that Sam's back deck was closed off, the windows letting in the sun enough to warm the room.

Parade assigned Andy to ride solo again, for the first time since she ran over Zara.

Without even realizing it, she found herself a block away from the diner she stopped at that day before she hit the poor dog.

Pulling over, Andy found herself walking up and down the streets, looking for any posters up for missing dogs. The more she thought about it the more she knew it was the right thing to find the dogs family.

If Zara was so well looked after, then there was someone out there missing her.

The walls and windows drew blanks, the christmas decorations that were going up filled every imaginable space seen by the naked eye.

Deciding on a hot chocolate, Andy found herself inside the diner, the strong aroma of coffee causing her stomach to churn at the smell.

Andy stood in the line waiting to be served as she let her mind roam of her first christmas with Sam.

She loved christmas, the merry spirit, the shopping, even the annoying carolers outside the malls that seemed to sing on auto-repeat no matter where you went shopping.

She had absolutely no idea what to get him though, cd's and aftershave didn't seem to cut it.

Placing her order, she thought about a leather jacket.

That could work.

Andy was drawn from her thoughts as she felt a tug on her pants mid thigh.

Turning and looking down she found a little boy of about six or seven smiling up at her, two front teeth missing.

"Hey there". Andy smiled down at him as he tethered nervously from foot to foot.

"Hi officer, I lost my dog, have you seen her?". His face lit up with hope, his eyes sparkling at the prospect of a cop helping him find his dog.

"I dunno, what's he look like?". Andy asked bending down to see the piece of paper the dark haired boy clutched that was tattered around the edges from being handled way to many times.

"She's a girl, her names Zara". He smiled and handed over a flyer with a picture of him and Zara laying on the floor smiling up at the camera.

Andy felt her heart plummet at his words.

She was here searching for a family she had really hoped didn't exist or didn't care, and here today, she finds the most hopeful little boy looking for his lost dog.

"I'm sorry officer, he saw you come in". A woman said as she stepped up to them.

"Its okay". Andy's voice sounded as small as the boys as she stood up to her full height.

"Bradley, let's go". The woman said as she tugged on the boys arm attempting to drag him away.

"Hey Bradley, want a hot chocolate so I can talk to your mom quick?".

His face moved rapidly as he nodded, the woman frowning slightly before Andy turned and ordered another two.

"Can you go wait at that table there for us?". Andy said pointing to a table in her line of vision that was just out of earshot.

The boy nodded and scrambled to find a seat at the empty table before Andy turned to face the woman, her heart racing as she searched for words.

"Um...I have your dog, she's at my house. I kinda ran her over, but she's okay. She has eight puppies and they're all so cute, and fuzzy looking".

Andy noticed a strange look cross the woman's face, confusing her with her reactions.

"She's okay, really" Andy added incase the woman was upset.

"Its not that, look officer I appreciate that you took her in, but I can't take her back, especially not with eight puppies I'm sorry. Please don't tell Bradley, it'll break his heart".

Andy stared at the woman, was she for real?

"Why not?" Tumbled out her mouth before she could muzzle the question.

"My husband got laid off about three weeks ago, we're behind on rent, behind on everything, and christmas with two small kids is already hard, and its only weeks away. Please I can't afford that...". The woman seemed saddened by the thought that her son had found his beloved dog, yet getting her back was beyond his reach.

The woman turned to walk away, Andy's hand stopping her.

"Wait, look the vets won't cost you anything I promise, and we have a big wooden box and tons of dog food because my husband stocked up because we both work shifts, so please you can have all of it, she just needs her home".

Andy's words cut through her heart as she spoke the truth. The boy needed his dog, and his dog needed her kid back.

"I can't, I'm sorry..."

"He wants his dog, let him have her". Andy countered hoping she could convince the woman.

"We don't expect anything back, she just needs her home". Andy whispered looking at Bradley to find him smiling at the picture he was still holding.

"I...".

"Please? Here...". Andy fumbled for her notepad and pen her hands refusing to co-operate.

"Just write down your address and a number and we'll bring them by".

Andy handed the items over, the woman hesitating as she looked between Andy's outstretched hand and the boy before sighing and taking them and proceeding to scribble on the paper.

"Thank you" the woman smiled as she handed them back.

Her smile was genuine, a clear indication that she was really and truly happy.

Andy pocketed the notepad and pen before paying for their order and handing two cups over to the woman before excusing herself to return to patrol when all she wanted to do was get out of there as she suddenly felt claustrophobic.

Andy had her heart set on keeping the dogs even though in reality nine big dogs was just a dream.

Walking outside, the cool air swirled around her as her lungs burned from inhaling too quickly and too deeply.

The sick feeling that kept plaguing her came rush back as she stopped and let her hands rest on her knees as she hunched over to regain a regular form of breathing as she felt the hot tears sting her eyes in the cold.

That moment she felt her leg vibrate as her phone rang. Reaching into her pocket she pulled it out and saw Sam's name light up the screen as a sad smile found its way over her lips.

He would argue if she said it into his own ears, but he had fallen just as in love with the dogs as she had, and he would deny it, but she knew.

She knew it when he started getting up in the middle of the night to check on them, and when Zara started getting coffee in the morning before she got hers, and when she heard Sam talking to Zara, telling her stories of his beautiful Mcnally when he woke up and couldn't go back to sleep and she found him having hot chocolate with Zara the first night it snowed.

She heard him whisper to Zara that he had one dream left to fill before his life would be complete, one last accomplishment that would fill the void that still filled their house. Only the sound of little pitter-patters on the wooden floors was missing from their lives, and he had never wanted that more than he did with her.

Andy stood leaning on the doorframe listening, every intention of interrupting until she heard his words.

He never said a word to her about his desire to have a house full of kids, but here he was talking to a dog about it.

She stood in silence as she listened to him talk about Jerry and how much he missed him, how he saved Gail's life by sacrificing his own.

Her eyes welled tears of their own accord as she heard him admit that he had always been in love with her, even before he cared to admit it. Following that he stated how he had thought he was doing the right thing when he dumped her, and how proud he was of her for telling him about shooting his dad.

He politely informed Zara that she wasn't just an awesome cop, but an amazing person too, and how lucky Zara was that Andy ran over her.

Andy walked away in that moment, leaving Sam to continue his conversation in private, as he intended, simply because it seemed that labrador's were good listeners.

"Hey". Andy said as she answered the call.

"You okay?". Sam sensed the sadness in her voice as she answered.

"Yup totally fine". Who was she kidding, of course he's see through her lie because she used the word fine.

"Andy...".

"I...um found Zara's family, she's going home Sam".

Sam heard her tear up as she spoke, her voice tugging at his heart strings as he heard her breath waiver in his ear.

"Andy...".

"I'm okay, totally fine, I've gotta go". Andy hung up, knowing it was a bad reaction to his concern and she felt kinda stupid for her reaction, it was just a dog.

A dog that stole her heart.

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .͡▹**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	23. Render Me Stupid

**Wow, you guys are all so awesome! Thank you for the awesome reviews & special thanks to Karin for review 400! Can't believe its gotten so many!**

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**Thanks to all the regulars & Kelly2727, you guys are totally awesome! **

**Chapter 23- Render me Stupid. **

When San found Andy in the barn hours later, she had a truly devastated look on her face as she told Sam about how she happened to find Bradley and his mom.

They had a late shift the next day, so Andy asked Sam if he would take the dogs in the morning, giving her time to clean up before work.

Sam nodded before whisking her home to spend the last few hours with the dogs she had become so attached to.

Sometime during the night Sam felt Andy get up and listened to her tip-toeing footsteps as she left the bedroom, trying to be as quiet as possible.

Sam waited for her to come back to bed, the seconds ticking by loudly from the wall clock, the only noise in the room.

After what was probably about fifteen minutes, Andy still hadn't returned, so Sam found himself creeping down the hallway in search of her.

He heard her voice carry through the dark as it spoke, her words making him stop and lurk in the shadows to listen.

"...he really is a good guy you know. He's just...I dunno different lately. I mean he's not...he's just weird. This is like, our first christmas, and I know its like three weeks away but I mean where is his christmas spirit? And don't even talk about the christmas present department, what do you even get for someone that has like...everything. I know what I'd like to give him for christmas, but that...well that I dunno, seems so far off. I bet you'll have a great christmas, you'll have your family...".

Sam knew his behavior was a little off lately, he'd been waring with the need to talk to her about starting a family but the timing was never right, and if it was, the words just wouldn't tumble out.

Sam stood watching her, his heart melting at hearing her talking to Zara as they munched on what looked like chocolate chip cookies and milk.

Retreating back to bed, Sam wondered if Oliver would help him out by dropping off the dogs, although he doubted that he would be happy about having them in his car.

Sam's mind whirled away, formulating the agenda for the next morning, timing would be everything and they would hopefully have enough of it before shift.

Andy woke up to Sam playing with her hair, a tendency he still had. She smelt the coffee before feeling her stomach do flip flops as the aroma filled her nostrils.

"You okay?". Sam said noticing the sudden paling of her skin.

"Yeah, didn't sleep well". Andy mumbled as she got out of bed.

"Sure?". Sam raised an eyebrow at her honestly admitting that he was giving her restless nights.

Andy nodded.

"Okay, well get ready, we need to leave soon". Sam said as Andy noticed he was already fully dressed.

"Sam I'm not..."

"I know, Oliver's taking them, in the truck and we're taking his car, so get dressed, he'll be here in half an hour". Sam had the look cross his face. The look of mischief.

Andy smiled before heading for the bathroom, he really could be just like a big kids sometimes.

An hour later, Sam had helped Oliver load the dogs and their box and other items into his truck and watched as they drove away agreeing to meet up at the set time and place to swap cars. Andy stayed in the bedroom, saying goodbye was just too hard for her.

They left the house a while later, Andy not her usual babbling inquisitive self asking where they were going, instead she remained placid and quiet, staring out the window as Sam drove.

When Sam pulled into the parking lot of the christmas tree farm Andy could have sworn she was about to have a heart attack.

"Sam?". Her face flooded with excitement at the prospect of his taking her christmas tree shopping.

"Hey its christmas, so I guess we need to get some christmas spirit in the Swarek household don't you think?".

Andy smiled and nodded, her hand already flying to open the door.

They spent an hour and a half searching for the right tree, Andy trying to keep it small and simple to have Sam shake his head and whisper too small, before they moved over to the bigger trees.

"Sam, isn't that like, I dunno too big?". Andy asked as Sam stopped in front of a really tall, evergreen tree.

"Its our first christmas, so no, its this one". Sam flashed his dimples, Andy's heart skipping a beat at the sight of them.

After ordering the tree they went to the mall to grab decorations, Sam grabbing everything from lights to ornaments to a wreath for the door. Andy watched as he grabbed two christmas stockings and threw them on the pile in the cart before he grabbed another three and added them too.

"Future use". He said waiving his eyebrows around.

Andy blushed, the warmth spreading over her face at how he suggestively hinted who they would be for and how they would get here.

They met Oliver outside the Tree farm, to change cars and pick up the tree before having it loaded into the back of the truck and making their way home.

Pulling into the driveway when they reached home Sam watched as Andy looked sadly towards the house.

He had already spent a fair amount of time debating over what to get Andy for christmas. He had mulled over ideas seeking the perfect gift, and had already bought her something that she needed in some ways but not really and she would probably freak out about it, but it was already done.

But it wasn't the perfect gift, the special one.

He considered jewelry but she only ever wore her rings and earrings and a thin gold chain her dad gave her for her birthday, so she wasn't really into the excessive wearing of it. He considered a voucher for a store at the mall, but that was just too impersonal. After hearing her words to Zara he knew he had to give her something that had meaning behind it, value of a sentimental kind.

Seeing her face right there in the truck like that as it contorted to the wrinkling of her nose, her gaze fixated on the house, he knew exactly what he would be getting her.

They put the tree up, decorated the house and the tree, and not once did Andy appear to have the lost look charge her face. Her giggles filled the rooms they were in, her true happiness shining through her eyes.

Sam was lost in the awe of seeing his Mcnally for the first time in over a year.

She was just...herself.

She would redden at him watching her, let out a laugh as she watching him goofing around while they were hanging the lights, she was unconditionally the Andy Mcnally he first met, no bad break up, no guilt for claiming a life, no bad history between them. She was caught up in the moment, immersing herself in it with him, sharing it with him.

The days counting down to christmas flew by, going from three weeks to the day before christmas eve in the blink of an eye.

Sam snuck out while Andy was on patrol that morning, and dropped her big christmas present at Oliver's house knowing there was no way he could hide it at their house without her seeing it.

The smaller more valuable one he was picking up tomorrow afternoon, having had to do some hard bargaining to get it, but it was worth it.

All three of them were.

Sam asked Oliver to call him on christmas eve and beg for his help so he could slip out, keeping the details to himself of where exactly he was going to pick up her other present.

Parking the truck in the garage when he returned, he made sure everything was perfect before switching off the light and heading into the house, quietly locking the door behind him.

He convinced Andy to let him put her gift under the tree while they sat in front of the fire watching the trees lights as they flickered on and off from the floor to the ceiling.

He knew the suspense would kill her, but taunting her was only a part of the master plan to build up her anticipation.

Andy eyed the small box as he put it under the enormous tree, it seemed to look so alone and lost on the wooden floor by itself.

The box was small enough to fit in her hand, shiny red paper with a silver bow on the top.

Andy knew he was trying to rile her up, and decided to do the same, by fetching his and putting it next to hers.

His was a longer small box, like the kind you get a watch in, and if that's what she got him he would be thrilled, his having decided to stop keeping proper time a week ago.

"That looks so wrong". Andy mumbled looking at the two boxes.

"Get the others?". Sam asked in total agreement to which Andy nodded.

They moved to the hallway closet and began carrying the gifts they bought for everyone else to put them under the tree.

"Better". Andy whispered as they settled on the couch, taking in the pile that went from one to two to easily like forty.

Christmas morning came, the snow still falling as the cold made her nose wrinkle up in distaste as a cool breeze blew over it.

The sound of a beeping car horn made Andy reach out for Sam to get him to go shut them up and chase them away.

"Andy get up". Sam said running his fingers over her cheek.

"Sleep... Christmas...too early". She mumbled out burying her face back in the pillows.

"So you don't want this then". Sam said shaking her present in front of her face causing her to sit up straight in one fluid movement her eyes brightening at the prospect.

Sam handed her the box, and waited for her to lift the lid as confusion crossed her face.

Nestled in the box was a keyring.

No keys, no anything else.

Sam let out a chuckle at her clouded expression as her head snapped up to reveal clear uncut confusion.

"That goes with this". He whispered handing over another identical box.

Andy put the box holding the keyring down on her knee, and pried open the lid of the second box this time her eyes meeting his with a slight shake of her head.

"No Sam!". She whispered out closing the box and holding it out for him to take back.

"Nope". Sam said tucking his hands behind his back.

"Sam you can't buy me a car!".

"I can and I did". Sam countered as he watched her look towards the window. She was curious, but un-accepting just like he thought she'd be.

"Sam its way too expensive". Her voice was shallow but full of emotion as she waved the box around.

"Andy I wanted to because I want life to be easier for you. When you say the word cab I swear my heart stops".

Andy swung her eyes back to the window then back to Sam.

He asked Oliver to drop it off, letting him use the spare and Zoe following so they could have their Shaw family Christmas breakfast without being too disturbed.

Andy suddenly jumped off the bed and went to peek through the window, her eyes settling on the giant silver ribbon that wrapped around the entire hood of the black volvo as it stood in the driveway.

"I want you to have your own independence Andy, that's all. If you want to go somewhere go, if you need to go somewhere you can". Sam stepped closer as he watched Andy listen intently as he spoke in a hushed tone.

"But first one more". Sam said taking the box from Andy's hand, putting it down on the dresser and leading her to stand in front christmas tree.

"Its there somewhere, find it and its yours". Sam whispered in her ear before stepping back.

He slipped out into the garage while she was still sleeping and put the box right in the front of all the others knowing it would get her attention when he stopped her right in front of it.

Andy suddenly let out a shriek as Sam watched in amusement as she darted across the floor in her socks before literally jumping on the couch.

"Something wrong there Mcnally?". Sam had his arms crossed over his chest his face broken by amusement as he watched her fly across the room.

"It moved". Andy whispered her finger pointing to the box.

"Seriously?". Sam tried to keep his face neutral even though he knew he was failing miserably.

"Sam I swear... There see it did it again". Andy was practically jumping up and down on the couch Sam watching her lapping up every second of her reaction.

"Well let's see what's inside then?". Sam picked up the box and moved to sit down next to Andy as she stood on the couch eyeing the box with a look between malice and hysteria.

"Sit". Sam ordered in his TO voice knowing she could not drop this box.

She plonked down next to him, curling her feet under her self on the far edge of the couch.

"Andy it won't hurt you". Sam said holding the box out for her to take as she sighed and let her hands reach out to take it.

She trusted Sam more than anyone else in the world, if he let her take the box and said it wouldn't hurt her then it wouldn't.

Andy lifted the lid off the box as it rested in her lap, her face pulled away in case something leapt out at her.

When there was enough space for her to peer through, Andy suddenly saw a pair of eyes staring back at her before she lifted the lid to reveal one of Zara's pups sitting in the box looking up at her expectantly.

She let out a soft gasp at seeing it, first because she thought Sam was all too happy to have the dogs return home, and secondly because it was her favorite one of the litter.

He was black and fuzzier than the others, but his face spoke volumes.

He already had a great personality and a cheeky side that showed.

When she went to sit with Zara, he would always find his way to snuggle up on her slippers, even though he was barely finding his feet back then.

"Sam? I...I don't even know what to say". Andy sounded breathless as she spoke while her hands moved automatically to lift the puppy out of the box.

"Can I call him Boo?". She suddenly blurted turning to face him her face lit up and her eyes shining.

Sam nodded, his ability to speak seeping away as he watched the adoration in her eyes as she looked at the puppy.

"How'd you..."

"I went and asked them if I could buy three, one for Leo to stay here and keep Boo company, and one for Nadine".

Andy was shocked.

Not only had Sam bought home a puppy, he bought two home and one for Frank and Noelle's daughter.

"Figured they could use the money and that you would've liked to have kept one of them".

Andy knew Sam had a heart of gold, but that...that just caused her heart to swell.

"Leo's gonna flip". She said smiling as she looked back at Boo who was faffing around on her lap to get comfortable.

His name alone was enough to spark Andy's mind to suddenly remember she hadn't given Sam his gifts yet.

She decided on the leather jacket and managed to get matching gloves, and it was just perfect for him.

Suddenly shoving Boo towards Sam Andy leapt off the couch and skidded over to the tree, her eyes scanning for Sam small box.

The jacket was hidden amongst the gifts they had under the tree for everyone else.

Andy picked it up, a shy look crossing her face as she suddenly held the box against her chest before biting on her lip as she started second guessing herself.

She moved back to the couch, sitting in the same far end corner as she held out the box to Sam without looking at him.

Instead her gaze was focused on Boo who noticed her returning presence and scampered across the couch in search of her lap.

Sam wasn't quite sure on how to read Andy right now.

She sort of withdrew all the way back in to her shell as she refused to even look at him, at all.

Sam shook the box out of force of habit, something he'd always done more to annoy Sarah than anything else, to hear something shift around in the box as it slid from side to side, banging against the cardboard.

As Sam started shaking the box, he watched Andy lean forwards and gently put Boo down on the floor before she sat up straight and moved forwards indicating she was about to get up and walk away.

Sam saw the hesitation cross her face as he realized that her sudden change in behavior had something to do with whatever was still hidden in the box.

It was obviously not a watch.

Just as she moved to stand, Sam reached out and put a hand on her leg and squeezed gently hoping that she'd understand that he didn't want her to go.

Lifting his hand, he snaked it out to let it gently lift the lid off the box before letting out a really ragged sigh.

Loudly.

He froze in that moment, his eyes fixed on the object unable to tear them away.

His heart gave a leaping thud before it stopped, stalling in his chest even though he could hear it pounding in his ears and feel the blood race though his veins.

He was rendered completely, totally and utterly speechless and breathless as he blinked rapidly expecting the sight to evaporate now that it was really here.

"Sam...I know...no I don't...". Andy sounded just as breathless as he was, but still refused to look at him.

After her words spilled into silence, they just sat there.

Sam knew in the back of his mind that his response was so wrong, but his brain just couldn't wrap itself around the image swimming in his vision.

"Sam...say something".

Her voice was shaky and wavered as he heard the hint of tears behind the strain in her soft tone.

Sam scooted a little closer, his hand snaking out to find hers.

"Andy look at me". His tone was something Andy had never heard before, his hand shaking a little as he tried to lace his fingers through hers.

She had her hands clenched in her lap, the same way he had seen her do when she was having nightmares about shooting his dad the night she ended up in hospital.

His hand left hers, turning up under her chin just as quickly as it left her trembling hands.

He tilted her face just a little, hoping that she would move the rest of the way on her own.

Which she did after a second of hesitation.

She met the widest grin, the most intense gaze looking back at her as she took the chance to see his reaction.

"Seriously?".

Way to go Sammy, his mind screamed as his lips moved over the word.

Andy nodded her eyes falling back on the box and lingering there before looking back up.

"Wow". Sam breathed the word out under his breath, scared that any loud noise would cause the moment to come to an end.

Andy stared at Sam caught between bolting and watching him as he was rendered completely...stupid.

There was no other word to describe him other than stupid.

His face seemed really happy with his gift, his eyes sparkling, his dimples in plain view, although his hand that was still holding the box seemed to still tremble slightly.

"Sam...". Andy had no idea of what to say. She had been reduced from her usual rambling self to a stammering idiot as she tried to fumble for words.

"Andy... How did you know?".

"Traci, everytime I smelt coffee I wanted to hurl, so she made me take the test the day before yesterday when we went christmas shopping and I couldn't walk into the coffee shop".

A sudden light bulb lit up in Sam's mind, her sudden pale skin when he took her coffee in bed made sense. So did the milk and chocolate chip cookies at two am with Zara. Her moods and tense edge he had misunderstood as a little heartache over having to let Zara and her puppies go back home suddenly seemed more natural than the original idea behind it had been.

She still seemed nervous as she sat watching him, her lip between her teeth as she waited for him to do or say something.

Her skin still seemed a little pale, especially in the mornings when she first woke up, like it was now, and if he was honest, it was the most beautiful sight he had ever laid eyes on.

Her skin may be pale, but there was a bright glow emanating from underneath it, a look that she did not have grace her before when she was stuck in the depths of depression and self doubt.

Sam sat thinking of how to put his feelings into words, something he had never been good with, ever.

How exactly do you tell someone that they have fulfilled every dream you've ever had?

How are you supposed to show them or what are you supposed to say for them to understand?

Sam kept drawing blanks while Andy watched him expectantly, waiting for some kind of sign other than his face smiling, that he was happy.

"Thank you". He decided to go with the simplest thing he could think of to start with.

She seemed kind of taken back by his words, like she had never expected them.

"All I've ever wanted with you was this". He watched as her lips finally turned up into a smile, her face flushing the lightest shade of pink.

"Seriously?".

"You have no idea".

"Remember the night you sat with Zara in her kennel when we bought them home? You were fussing over her and the puppies? And when I was sort of far away, and said I was thinking about something?".

Andy nodded waiting for him to continue.

"This moment is what I was thinking about, how I was gonna tell you this is what I wanted".

Andy tried to hide the shock on her face as his words made sense to her. He had recently seemed to have something on his mind, but struggled to voice his thoughts into words.

"I was probably pregnant by then already. I'm guessing about five weeks".

Andy saying the words made his insides feel like they were about to leap out, hearing them seemed far more real than seeing her pregnancy test in the box.

"You know this is the best christmas ever right?".

Andy smiled hearing his words, he seemed to know what to say and when to say it.

"Really? Coz I've kinda got one more of those for you". Andy said moving off the couch and coming back with a rather large box.

Sam took off the lid and had his breath stolen away again at the sight of the leather nestled in the box.

He had seen it at the mall when he went to get the box for Boo, and just didn't have the time to go in and get it.

"You like it?".

"Its just what I wanted...no I take that back, I got what I wanted for christmas, this is just added awesomeness".

"And what did you want for christmas?"

"You, the baby and Boo".

************ Thabks for reading, I'm thinking of ending it here, what do you think?

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .͡▹**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	24. Epilogue- Graduation Day

**Wow, you guys have been truly amazing with this fic, thank you!**

**This will be the Epilogue, hope you will enjoy it!**

**If you liked the ending on Chapter 23, then you don't have to read it, but if you do, hope you'll leave another awesome review!**

**Thanks to all the regulars & Kelly2727, and welcome to all the newbies this fic drew!**

**Epilogue- Graduation Day**

Andy smiled as Sam took her hand and pulled her into his side at the back of the room, him perched on the edge of the table, her leaning against his leg.

Today was one of the proudest moments she had ever experienced, everything in her life leading up to this moment.

She stood watching the row of seven bodies with their backs facing them as Nick stood before them his speech filling the silence of the room.

"You are here today..."

The rest of his words faded in Andy's ears as memories sprayed across her mind of the day she had stood where they were now standing.

Different memories followed, flashing right up to this point in time, this very moment.

Images of how big her stomach had become when she was pregnant, and how Boo would stand in front of her and cock his head to the side, his ears pulled back, before whining towards it as though he was having a conversation with it, and listening to it intently.

She remembered how bad Sam had been over that time frame too, although everyone had told her that he was just being the normal average daddy to be, where as Andy found him to be a smothering pain in her ass.

She let out a soft giggle at the memories of that, and him scrambling around at two am to find her strawberry cheeescake that he had to come home and still mix and bake.

She'd had to have a C-Section, and remembered as Sam held her hand that he was whispering he would be there the entire time.

Over the years baby toys changed to bicycle's with training wheels, then dipped into playstations and Wii's. Soon senior year and prom were around the corner, the years having faded faster than ever anticipated.

The day Boo died, Andy came home to find Sam waiting on the front deck for her, sadness etched on his face. She knew, just by the sadness in his eyes.

Boo was old, and grey, just like Sam by the time he went.

He had lived a good life with them, sharing all their special moments, with Jerry, Leo's dog until Traci moved into a house, and Jerry moved too.

But Boo and his brother still had every second saturday play dates in the park playing fetch with Leo while Traci and Andy would watch and Sam would take all the cars to the carwash.

Turning to face Sam, Andy was struck with the memory of his dad.

They looked like one and the same.

Sam had grayed over the years as he aged, and he had gathered wrinkles of wisdom, but his dimples still showed and his eyes still sparkled, a sign that even though the body was old, the engine still had plenty of life.

Andy focused her gaze back on Nick as he spoke when he came to the end of the row of seven, standing between the two last bodies.

"Officers Swarek and Swarek, you have proven that you are capable and willing, resourceful and determined, therefore today, you will be cut loose earning the privilege of being part of the legend of fifteen". Nick handed Jared the pair of scissors and stood back to watch Jared turn to his sister, slowly lift her tie and sever the end holding it out to her.

Melissa in turn took the scissors from Jared and repeated the action, severing his binds that held him to rookie status.

Nick winked before presenting them each with a small gift, smiling towards Sam and Andy as he held them out.

"To prevent confusion, Officer Melissa Swarek has requested her name tag to read Mcnally, while Officer Jared Swarek will keep his as Swarek".

Andy felt like the floor could open up and swallow her and she would happily go.

The kids had obviously kept the secret well hidden if their parents had no idea of their little surprise.

A new generation of Mcnally and Swarek now filled fifteen, new challenges laying ahead.

Watching the twins grow up Andy had plans for them to have a choice at what they wanted to do, never allowing the expectations of being a cop to hover over their heads.

She had told them stories of how bad-ass it was to be a cop when they still wore spiderman and hello kitty pajamas, then when doors started slamming she added how dangerous it was. When Sam was shot, she sat in the waiting room comforted by Oliver, Traci and her teenage children as she explained how merciless being a cop really was.

But Jared was so much like his dad, the gleam in his eye told her he'd follow in Sam's footsteps.

Lissy, well she was soft like Andy, and passionate and one day she just came home and announced that she joined the academy never giving an explanation.

Andy overheard them talking in the kitchen one night when they came over for dinner, Jared asked Lissy why she was doing it, he wanted her to be safe and be out of harms way. Her reply had come as "I'm a Mcnally- Swarek, I can do this, moms amazing you know, and dads always looking out for her and us and others, I want to do that, and besides you don't get to have all the fun by yourself".

Andy made her presence known in that moment, as she stepped forwards to look Jared in the eye.

"She's just like your dad, I thinks she's got this covered".

Jared had nodded at his mothers statement, his sister was just as beautiful as his mother was, but she wore their fathers dimples and had a long maine of dark hair that matched his too, but her strongest quality was the fact that she took crap from nobody.

A guy had once grabbed her ass in a club and seconds later Jared watched as she tackled him to the ground and sat on him, politely explaining how rude it was to fondle a lady on her posterior as she had put it. They'd been dating for months now and he knew she was happy, he could feel it just like he felt all of her emotions through the unseen connection they had.

He knew that unleashing her on the streets of Toronto would be risky, but like his father had explained about his mother "She's gonna get herself in a whole heap of crap, but she'll get herself out of it too, if she doesn't or can't you'll be there, and so will we, so she will never be alone".

Andy watched as Nick who became Staff Sergeant when Frank retired smiled their way. She gave a grateful nod of recognition to him before turning to Sam.

He wore a look that told her he was mesmerized at watching their kids follow in their footsteps of their own free will, creating the third generation of Swarek cops.

"So drinks at the Penny?". Traci asked sliding up to Andy's side. She was now a Mrs. Jardine.

She met Marcus Jardine in the ER when Leo fell and broke his arm, and the Doctor asked her for help with his troubled teenage daughter. His wife passed away from cancer a few years ago leaving him stranded with the troubled girl.

Now the girl was grown up and stable, Traci having guided her towards the right path.

Andy was happy for her friend, happy that she found someone, although what they had was not the same as what Traci had with Jerry.

Dov joined them as the twins walked over, smiling as he obviously remembered when that line consisted of them rather than their kids.

His son David was there too, his smile mirroring Sam's, that of a proud dad.

Dov had met and fallen in love with a hooker when he arrested her for solicitation.

Yup a hooker, only to discover in booking that Daisy was actually Lucy a UC from 27 doing a john sweep in their domain coz she was nervous and got her directions wrong.

"Oliver's meeting us there". Sam chipped in as he slid off the desk he always sat on in the back of the room, his smile indicating that he was happy at the prospect of drinks with his lifetime friend since they hadn't seen much of eachother since Oliver retired.

Andy watched as her kids bounded around, pure pleasure written all over their faces as they congratulated eachother.

The room started to empty, Sam holding on to Andy's hand to keep her lingering back as the group huddled around them moved through the door, Andy's eyes watching as Gail's hand tucked into Nicks as they left the room, something she still wasn't used to seeing after years of seeing it, Gail showing affection openly.

Andy turned to face Sam, as the last bodies left the room, leaving them alone.

"I kinda lied about something". Sam said squinting his eyes as Andy rolled hers. She knew him well enough to know that if it was serious he would have told her with a straight face, not wearing the satisfied smile he was.

"About?".

"Remember the best christmas we ever had? When I said that all I've ever wanted with this with you?".

Andy nodded, a huge smile engulfed her face.

"When you asked what I wanted for christmas and I said You, the baby and Boo".

Andy nodded again, watching as Sam seemed nervous.

"Well I didn't lie, it was what I wanted, and I got it, but...".

"Sam!".

"Okay, well this Christmas might be a little better than that one, but in a different way".

Andy eyed Sam suspiciously, Christmas was still far away, like seven months away.

"How's that?".

"We'll have a new Swarek or two to add". Sam whispered and waited for Andy to get what he was saying, but her confused look told his that she didn't.

"Um... Jared came to see me before parade, and asked me how I think he should propose".

Andy's eyes shot up at that.

Jared had been dating Hayley since senior year, and they had been living together for a little over two years.

"Seriously?". Andy seemed to beam at the prospect of Jared getting married.

Hayley was something special.

She worked children's aid and would one day be a great mother. She was really just one of those people you loved the second you met her.

"Yup, he uh... He wanted to know if I thought he was doing the right thing coz we're getting a new addition to the family...".

"She's pregnant!". Andy sputtered the words out in a soft statement to see Sam nod in reply.

"He wanted to know if we would approve of her marrying into the family, so I asked him why he wanted to marry her, you know considering".

Andy felt her heart tug a little to the left hoping the next words out of Sam's mouth would not make it dip and roll before sending it crashing to the floor.

"He said for the same reason I married you, then he said that he didn't want to do it because he has to, but because he wants to, and that she completes him and that this has always been what he pictured with her".

Andy smiled at Sam, her heart moving back to a steady beat as she remembered his words from over twenty six years ago.

She had expected Lissy to get married first and start a family, maybe because she was a girl, but she was also a wild one, just like Sam, and that would need a special person to tame her.

"Okay". Andy said.

"Okay? I just told you that you're going to be a granny in seven or eight months and you say okay?".

"Well when you put it like that, then no, its not okay, but her marrying my son and giving him babies, that I'm okay with".

Sam smiled at Andy's play on words, either way the immense happiness was spread across her face, its slight pink tint telling him that her mind was already whirling away at making plans.

"Should we go celebrate now?". Andy suddenly blurted, Sam knowing that she just wanted to leave the barn and find her son.

"Wait, why did you say you lied?" Andy's mind snapped back to his comment at the start of their conversation.

"I didn't, its just now that because of you, my life is complete. My dreams have been fulfilled, and its only because of you". Sam said as he stood up and took Andy by the hand, pulling her towards the door.

"Seriously?".

"Yup, would change a thing, and having had a life with you, well I just couldn't imagine one without you in it".

Sam's words made Andy blush a deep scarlet, an effect her still had on her even after twenty seven years of marriage.

********* Thanks for Reading!**

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


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